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I apologize for the length but please read all of it;
So this is how everything triggered;
I made a mistake in my relationship about 3 months ago and when I told my bf, he cried and because I hurt him so much, it brought on a massive amount of guilt and so on, (no i didn't cheat). I couldn't eat for days, was severely depressed to the point where I couldn't think about anything other than taking my life. I didn't eat s**t for days and was constantly crying and very sensitive when I was around him cuz, you know, I hurt him. So now.. the guilt has passed (returns occasionally), but I'm stuck feeling depressed and anxious ALL the time. It's like I'm programmed to feel this way, that what had happened was so traumatic that it stayed within me. Kinda like that.
Here's what i feel and deal with everyday now; I'm anxious around and thinking about certain things with my bf, (which I've never done before anything happened). I have bad obsessive thoughts about my health, like that I have cancer, even thinking I'm going bald because the stress lately has been making my hair fall out. I'm pretty sure I am going bald cuz my hair is breaking off too much. I have a fast heart rate almost 24/7. I don't enjoy doing things I used to enjoy doing. I have so much damn trouble getting up to eat, or to even eat at all. I constantly think about taking my life, fantasizing about putting a gun in my mouth.. and how much easier life would be when I'm dead. When I think about my future, Its blank.. it used to be filled with plans with my boyfriend. Now it's just blank... like i won't exist in the future. I'm starting to sleep less and less. I worry so much about everything. My brain NEVER catches a break anymore. I'm always thinking thinking thinking. One thought to the next to another thought. I feel horrible. Part of me thinks, I don't have any problems... and that everything I think it's 100% true. 😞
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