Am I in denial?

Posted , 2 users are following.

I'm begining to think I am and I know no one here can tell me but want to know if anyone else has had a similar experiance.

You see, I'm not like the people in other posts, I've never been a busy get up and go person who has suddenly found it too much. I've just kinda plodded along through life, I'm now 31 but since the age of about 14, all I remember is being tired.

Back then I was so tired that I cut a hole in the bottom of my divan so I could play traunt from school and sleep there without anyone seeing me.

I'd been to the doctor for tests and everything seemed fine so I guess I just learned to live with it.

Now though I have 3 children and it's having a huge effect on their lives so I went to see a doctor and told her I was feeling tired all the time. I started crying in her surgery and told her about myhouse being a mess, not fit for the kids, I don't take them out and they are getting in trouble at school for being lat and not doing their homework. I expected her to give me something to stop me from sleeping but she told me she thought I was suffering from depression though I denied this and said i was happy I'm just tired (still crying at the time). She then turned round bluntly and said think of your kids, you think thats a happy home? so that did the trick. I took her advice and started fluoxetine but I felt horrible, I was feeling sick all the time, wore the same clothes for 4 days on end, even sleeping in them, I just wasn't myself, and not in a better way so I stopped after about 3 weeks.

I moved house a few months ago so thought I'd try again with a different doctor. I wanted to be put on modafinil as it's meant to keep you awake but she said she couldn't as thats not what it's lisenced for and she gave me another of they daft depression questionairs and i threw it away.

Week or 2 later I'm feeling bad and think over the questions, then notice I'm crying at silly things like watching the bill and getting really upset at stupid thing like my bf not making me tea.

This time I think maybe I am depressed so go again, see another doctor, he agrees with last doctors choice and said this fluoxitine would be right for me as I only score high for depression and not anxiety. I try it, 3 days in I feel ill again and stop taking them, thinking I don't really need them.

For the sake of my boys I'm going to give it another go, due mainly to reading this site so thanks for that but has anyone been through anything similar?

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Sorry, I know that was long winded enough but I just wanted to add that I don't really have suicidal thought. I never feel like I want to end it.

    I do sometimes feel that I look forward to (natural) death though as it will be one, long, peacefull sleep.

    I've thought of trying to put myself in hospital so I can have a few days in bed without having to get up but part of me is still saying this is a sleep problem and not a depression problem.

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  • Posted

    I suspect you may be in denial. Although you say you've never been a get up and go person, you have three children, a bf and have recently moved house! All that in itself means that you have quite alot going on in your life. Feeling tired all the time and sleeping is a symptom of clinical depression, as is the crying at almost anything. Try and persevere with the meds, it can take up to 8 weeks for them to have an effect. Ref the side effects, you should talk these over with your doc, there are usually ways of mitigating them (time of day, taking them with/without food), and you may also find that once you stabilise, they will help with the sleeping. Try and get into a set routine and get everyone to help too, so that you all know what you are doing when, that way you won't get so upset and it becomes easier to manage your days as you will do things automatically. Hang in there, the side effects are worth it in the end, as you will start to get a happier home. Good luck, let us know how it goes, and take it one day at a time, tomorrow is another day and could be better than today.
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  • Posted

    Hi Dreamer

    I agree with everything the guest has replied to you. All the things you are feeling, especially the wanting to sleep forever, are symptoms of clynical depression.

    You stopped taking them too soon each time you started them. You have to persevere babe for at the very least 8 weeks.

    It will be a struggle, you may even feel more tired (if that's possible) at first but I honestly believe the key to taking these is giving them time to get in to your system, and my Dr told me that it would take at least 8 weeks.

    Now I felt immensely tired the very first day, I took one in the morning before work, and was struggling very badly keeping awake while driving to work. You HAVE to go through all the stages, and sometimes you may feel worse before you feel better.

    I nearly gave up about 6 weeks in to them, and the first 3 or 4 weeks were hell, and I think I may have been even more depressed.

    The only person that can really help you, is you. You have to think positively for your children babe. You only have one life, get out there in the sunshine, please - go for long walks, get a puppy just do something positive. Because you have been like this for so long, it has probably become a habit and you HAVE to change your thoughts positively. Your kids will only have memories of you sleeping, and what is this telling them? I know you can't help it right now - but come on, you can do something about this before it's too late babe. They grow up too fast.

    I have today off work, have taken the kids (13 and 17) to the dentist, now going to pick up Danny's girlfriend and Loz's freind, and going to Southampton to meet Danny's best mate at TGI's and then we 're all going to see Good Charlotte tonight at the Guildhall in Southampton.

    10 weeks ago, I never thought I would see the day where I had so much energy and enthusiasm. I am so sure it is down to these pills. I am 40 mg though as I felt so bad still after a couple of weeks that I went back to my Dr and they put me up to 40mg from 20.

    So if you really feel crap still after a couple weeks, go back. I have found my Doctor to be very supportive and helpful, and really caring too. I didn't expect to feel like that as I hate Drs and going to them. I should have done it 5 years ago

    The secret and key to extra support when you're feeling really low - is to come on here and talk to all the guys on here. They have kept me going, and after only a short space of time (8 weeeks I think) I feel fantastic, like the sunshine is back on my face, instead of darkness and tiredness.

    I also am much more balanced and grounded. I feel so much more in control of my feelings and emotions and just my life.

    Im very close to my kids, and most of all there's laughter and happiness back in our lives. They deserve the kind of love and attention we laways craved (and some are lucky enough to have had it) Think of your little kids feelings. They probably feel like you're not bothered about them. Take an interest in what they are doing, but a real interest, you will find slowly, and without realising it, the world will be worth getting out there in to.

    Please please this time, dont give up

    If you think they're not working go back to see your GP, you may need a higher dosage. Just see this through. Dont worry about coming off them, my Doc said to me I could be on these for 8 months to a year, as the depression has been there for so long, it takes a long time to repair,

    You could also consider counselling, as even though you dont think you're depressed, there may be something there, form the past, even just to get out of the 'habit' of sleeping.

    Come on dreamer - there couldnt be a bigger dreamer or romantacist than me!!! LOL

    I love this site, it has really helped me

    Ang is awesome, she'll sort you out, like she has me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  • Posted

    Hi, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today - let us know. C
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  • Posted

    Hi Dreamer

    I also agree with the last two posts it takes at least 6-8 weeks to get into the system and you do feel worse before you feel better,when i first started them a year ago i was so ill the Dr gave me some tranquilisers to get me over the first few weeks because i couldn't stop shaking,they were brilliant,go back to your Dr and ask is there anything he can give you to help over the next few weeks,hope it doesn't take to long for you but give yourself time and you will start to feel better.

    I go for long walks at one point i was walking for 8miles at a time,the fresh early morning air is so good,ask your partner to take care of the children while you go for a walk and have a bit of time for yourself.

    You will need support from your family and friends don't be afraid to ask if you are feeling down put the kids coats on and take them for a walk with you they will love it,The Dr told me that there is negative irons in the air and it is like a shot of morphine,i tend to agree with him because after i go for a walk i can cope better.

    Like suziesue i never thought i would feel better or would be able to go back to work but i do and have,so don't give up stick with it.good luck

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  • Posted

    Hi Dreamer and hi everyone.

    Suz - your words to Dreamer are spot-on. I cannot add to what you've put as it's brilliant advice. Dreamer, please take heed of the folk on here including Suz and Liz and C.

    It's good to hear that you haven't had suicidal thoughts, especially with you having a family. :cry: I am the same and it upset me that I was thinking about dying when I have a little boy to love, care for, watch grow up, attend his wedding, watch him grow and develop. He's my Angel.

    I'm a little concerned to hear that you have been like this from 14 however. Is it the same or was it the typical teen years, harmones etc? Perhaps there may be an underlying problem such as childhood trauma? I don't want to put a dampner on things, I'm just thinking about my feelings and how (if you've read my last text-book length entries) I never coped with things at a younger age. When I was a teenager, I too was tired and felt moody and couldn't be bothered with anyone. More an inward person. Like you, I'm almost 31 and just started dealing with the way I truly felt recently by going to the doctor. The thought of taking pills was hideous, after all, was I actually depressed, I thought I was just moody and tired. As folk are pointing out, these are typical signs of depression.

    You do need to be strong now and not just for you but for your BF and 3C. You are a role model for them, you are a young woman who is strong and I say this as you have realised you need advice and help to an extent, if you didn't, you wouldn't have gone to the docs or come to this site.

    The first thing you need to do is be selfish and get yourself sorted. Everything after that will be a knock on effect. People will respond to you better if you are better with them and so on. Your kids are your legacy and they only have one mum - [b:bd8e457c46]YOU. [/b:bd8e457c46]

    It isn't easy at all, the first 2 months are horrid, well for me they were, but you come out of it a stronger and more determined person. You will wonder why you didn't stick with it earlier!

    Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel rather than bottling it up? Do you feel like no-one will understand or wonder what you have to be down about? If so, don't. It's tricky to allow yourself to be vulnerable but you have to be at times. You are normal, you're just not yourself.

    Also, I mentioned to Suz before about activities and diet. Doing active things exerts natural stimulants and gives you a knackered but a good feeling. Kids love to be out and about and I'm sure bowling, ice-skating, popping to the local charity dog shelter and offer to help out taking the doggies for a walk may help. (Great excuse to enjoy a dog but not have the responsibilities of it!) I do this with a local dog home and get loadsa energy, fresh air, exercise and a good feeling that I've helped them out.

    Also, are you getting enough vitamens in your diet? Perhaps speak to someone in a health shop and talk about zinc, vitamen C and so on. Some foods are so processed now and have so many added bits that there is hardly no goodness which gives you a natural letharic feeling. Berries are fab for natural energy and full of goodness. Alcohol in moderation as it is also a natural depressant (I'm off drink as it's not mixing well with these tablets for me but I'm so looking forward to some Malibu's and Rosé wine when I'm off them!).

    I'm not an expert nor educated in the field of health or food, but I can only speak from my own experiences and actions and pass on what worked and didn't work for me.

    I'm now at the end of week 10 and I'm so much more happier, stronger, positive and determined than I was 10 weeks ago. It's been a long ride but so worth it.

    Stick with it Dreamer and hopefully, your log in name in 8 weeks or so may be 'No Longer a Dreamer...' :lol:

    Take care


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  • Posted

    Thank you very much for your replies. I think I was really just looking for confirmation. I guessed I've at last accepted it though talking to people doesnt help.

    I don't live with my bf, he's not the father of my kids, we've only been together 10 months. I told him I though I was depressed and his reply was that I looked fine when he seen me. I think he expects me to be dressed in black with a noose round my neck or something.

    I tried talking to my mum and she's asking my if I'm sure, how did they work that one out, I always seem so posative.

    Dad was no good either, really don't thinkk he approves of the pills, not said anything at all, it's just the look.

    Looks like I'll be doing it on my own but I will try get out more for long walks etc with the kids.

    I've been thinking of hardly anything else for last few days and am now thinking if I could have been suffering this for years. You see my mum left my dad for another man about the age I mentioned I've been feeling this was and although I don't really spend time dwelling on it I'm now wondering if it could have triggered something.

    I am trying to work on it so thanks very much for the help. Think I'll ask the doc if I can talk to someone to help me understand things better.

    not been sick yet so thats a bonus lol.

    Take care.

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