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Hi I'm Ray. So I feel weird about myself as a character and personality. I have emotiones of anger and envy during the day and I feel down/moody/depressed the whole day and I dont enjoy feeling like this at all and it destroys my life in ever aspect. I am afraid of things and sit around with anger.
At home i only sit by the computer watching tv shows, searching through youtube or playing on my ps4 and piano. I workout about every other day, i eat alot and drink lots of water. I visit a psychology once a week doing KBT.
I know that in order to stop doing things is to change the mindset around that situation and so on. But I just keep getting angrier and angrier at people and at myself. I will put some examples below of how i behave and your input and ideas on my thinking and behaviour.
Another example is my baby brother who is seven years old constantly hangs around me(I'm 24) when I am finally at home from working 6 days till nighttime. He keeps asking stuff about stuff and about other stuff and it drives me nuts to the point i feel anger boiling in my stomach. I always say no to him, and i feel bad and angy. When i say a forced yes i still get mad.
He wants to go out and i dont, ill tell him no. He cries and gets mad and the way it disturbs my mood should not happen.
It's not that i hate him and i know that it is some psychological thing behind this emotion. I think i had this feeling before he was born. This transfers to my job where i work with children ages from 6-14 3h/day, but i keep my emotions in controll at work.
I do sometimes in my mind blame my brother for not having freedom at home and always sending me off to work with headache and in a bad mood. I feel bad and powerless and ashamed at the same time that i feel this way about person(s) i should care about.
Sometimes during a conversation with someone i know and it doesnt go the way I want, for example the person is slower in speaking or thinking or slow as in getting the hang of something and therefore responds with a 'stupid'/unreasonable answer frustrates me.
This also turns to that i 'can't ' feel being loved by family and friends. It's like they look at me as if i am still a kid and I think that sometimes i am a little child, immature and nothing in life makes me happy even though i have alot going on and materials.
I see myself as an insecure and with no confident. I go to work, feeling lousy, hard and deep breaths and voice tone change which makes my throat so sore after a few minutes it hurts and it wont change, it makes me not want to speak at all but I cant do that since my job is to be social. ALWAYS 1 hour before work i get so down with myself. My voice/throat is so messed up i dont want to speak. The throat thing is there all the time. So is the breathing. All these things makes me not want to be social at all and sometimes they succed at doing that. Even if i speak with these, it does hurt and never do i sound confident or funny. I always sound moody and depressed in my voice. I make up for this sometimes by fake smiling most of the day, smiling makes you happy right?..
It happens when there are younger people in the room I feel more confident but when it comes someone in my age or older i suddenly dont feel that way anymore, and sometimes I leave the room when there are people in my age or older having a conversation because i feel like i cant speak or communicate with them. Wish i was leisure or free around people.
There happens at work an older collegue or older visitor tells the other youngsters around the age 15-20 to not 'mess' with me so to say and I somehow feel 'safe' and more confident.
I dislike hanging with three people, because when the two of them speak i feel so stupid just standing there and watching.
Now I have put myself only down in this post and that was the point, maybe another post ill go over the good things. But i want opinions on my negative behaviour/thinking. Do u do it? Did you get out of it? How? I am open to opinions and ideas.
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