anxiety making me feel like I don’t love him, is there any hope?

Hello all,

I'm going to apologize from the start because I know this will be all sorts of messy and maybe confusing.

I've been with my bf for 5 years. Things were going relatively good until something horrible happened that caused us to move from where we lived into a new place but together. Despite the horrible circumstances, I was excited for us to live together. Little did I know all the stress and hard times that were going to come with this. My bf was still very sad and torn apart about what happened and although he had every right to feel that way, his negativity was starting to stress me out. I suddenly felt like I couldn't handle the situation we were in, I felt guilty because it was my idea to move and I didn't know how to take care of him or make him feel better. After a while I just felt trapped in a s****y situation.

I'll make this part of the story short. I began a new job and in that job I started getting attracted to a coworker. Needless to say after a few months I ended up cheating on my bf with said coworker. At first I kept blaming my bf but I came to realize it was all my greediness. The craving of wanting something new, stress free, where things were fun and I got to feel desire again. Crushing on this coworker also made me feel like I'd have a backup if all went wrong with my bf so I was really feeding and going all into it. This coworker ended up finding a new job and with that the cheating ended. For a while I didn't feel bad but all of a sudden I started panicking. I felt disgusted with myself. I confessed to my bf and after many long discussions and talks here we are still together.

We moved to a new place again and things here are going much better. My bf has forgiven me but I can't seem to forgive myself. I know everything I did pretty much classifies me as a worthless b***h but I really do love my bf. I enjoy taking care of us, I feel so much comfort and peace when I lay in his arms. The problem is that now usually at night I can't stop overthinking. I know I love him but my thoughts say "you don't love him, you wouldn't have done what you did", every time I try to calm down and take control of my thoughts I feel like its me vs my head. I don't know what's real anymore. When I remind myself that things are better now my thoughts are like "you're just forcing this to work" and honestly I just have so many similar horrible thoughts, my thoughts always have something to answer back with when I'm trying to reason with myself.

I dont think I have multiple personality disorder but there's so many thoughts going on at the same time and I cant control them. I feel so aware of my thoughts, if that makes any sense, that its driving me insane.

I just want to be happy again. I want to be happy with my bf. I want to put things in the past and become a better person.

I want to include a little more history about us and my past. When I confessed to my bf about my physical and emotional infidelity with my coworker, I realized a lot of things I did wrong in the past as well. Things I thought were no big deal like flirting because I've sorta always been flirty. I also have a huge need of male attention, I always want them to find me attractive or desire me. I fantasize about other people a lot too. About anyone really, even if I dont find them attractive I'll sometimes fantasize. I feel like a sick person. I really dont understand why I'm like this.

When I was younger and had my first bf he ended up cheating on me, I forgave him. A while after I got really sick and was diagnosed with an auto immune disorder. The medications I had to take for this really messed a lot with my appearance. Being as young as I was and in high school it really took a toll on me. I broke up with that bf because I noticed he wasn't attracted to me anymore and I couldn't blame him. After that all I wanted was to feel beautiful again, that's when I started being really flirty and creating a sex appeal. I'd fool around, kiss or whatever anyone because those few minutes made me feel better, like I was desired and attractive. It was also my escape from issues that were going on at home since my father was a drug addict (he's now clean and doing better). I lost a lot of friends because I became really bitchy and angry at the world over everything that has happening to me and in my life. After a few years my older sister was pregnant from her bf but her bf would always be flirty with me. Trust me when I say, that's NOT something I wanted. I would try ignoring him but at a point when I'd go to their house so I could spend time with MY sister, he'd try touching me when she left the room. I was still underage and I didn't know what to do. Keep in mind, I was about 16 or 17 and this man was either in his late 30's or 40's. I finally broke down and told my parents everything when he tried jerking off being next to me, besides that he had pulled open my shirt and spanked me on different occasions. My parents are old school to the point where they said its my fault for how I dress and sometimes people make mistakes so they were going to talk directly to him but never mentioned it to my sister. They ended up getting married...then divorcing because she cheated on him (she still doesnt know up to this point what happened) and now they're back together. Speaking of my sister, when I was much younger and she was in highschool, she attempted to commit suicide, was addicted to pot (you know, when pot was still a big deal) and was dealing with her sexuality so things at home were not good. I would always be in my room crying from hearing the arguements between my parents and her.

I know this is a very long post but I wanted to give information about my errors, the actual mental things I'm now feeling and a little history about my background/personality/where I come from.

I'm I just permanently f****d up over all the chaos that went on in my pre-teen/teenage years?

Does my past have nothing to do with my issues and I'm actually just a horrible person?

Even though I know couples have survived infidelity by putting in the work to better the relationship, why do I feel like mine has no chance of surviving? If I KNOW I love my bf, why does my mind question and deny it?

Will I ever be able to control my thoughts? Is this a case of obsessing over intrusive thoughts?

Is there any way my past connects with all of this?

Does it get better?

I'm so tired of staying up because I feel like I'm having a panic attack. Negative thoughts, heart pounding, sweating, indigestion and sometimes vomiting.

My bf is my best friend, I want to grow old with him, when the times are good they are GOOD and oh my god nothing feels better than being in his arms. I know that after what I did I should feel guilt but this is honestly getting to a point where I'm scared of myself and my thoughts.

0 likes, 6 replies