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I have had a history of anxiety and depression, my last bout lasting about 7 months and it was a tough road. Through counselling and CBT, I started to feel positive and pro active again and felt a pep in my step.
I started college last week, as a mature student of 30 and the reading lists and assignments were given out. The course im studying has very few contact hours, but it requires a lot of preperation and home studying.
Perhaps i underestimated this as it caused me into a state of shock and fear. But instead of dealing with the stress, i let it overwhelm me and i walked about the college campus in a kind of in a state of depersonalisation. I then saw a student who i used to teach years ago and the initial shock of her seeing me back in college as a fresher, made me feel so humiliated and feeble. I honestly was in a panic about even talking to her as in my head i was a different person when i taught her to what she might see me as now. I know she is not in the same course as me, but our paths may cross and this petrifies me. Is this surreal or strange to anyone else or is this a problem with my own ego or confidence?
Anyways since that shock of workload, it has created a self doubt about if i can personally start this course. I can't believe that after just a couple of days i have already had a panic attack (my last one being over 3 months ago and anxiety had completely left too in this time).
Are panic attacks going to be a constant in my life if i continue college? I was fine in the months before starting and now having them triggered makes me want to quit. Even thinking ahead of the workload makes me dizzy and wanting to give up.
I know if i quit i'll regret it and i'll let a lot of people down, who will be disappointed with me (the worst feeling in the world for me).
I just can't seem to get my head right to deal with stress. I have worked with counsellors and extensive CBT, but when some new challenge comes to face me, i allow it to consume me. I really hate this feeling and have been in a constant state of panic since these incidents yesterday. I don't know what to do as i feel so removed from the idea of college (something i was excited to start and begin the challenge of).
Any help or words of advice would be hugely appreciative. I just feel so stuck at the moment in this mindset and its really hard to get out of. I haven't slept much and i feel like i'm slipping back into my state of constant anxiety, which i worked so hard to get out of.
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