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Anxiety - what's wrong with me?

Posted , 81 users are following.

ana98035
ana98035

I've never posted anything like this before. I'm 29 and I work in a high-pressure, insular industry. For about 6 months now my self confidence has deteriorated to the point where I ruminate every single moment of the day about how I am perceived by others. Every time I make a mistake I want to cry, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself all day long, like I can't get anything right and like I'm a total waste of space. I've lost almost all my friends, (not through lack of trying - I'm always the last one to reach out) which I'm pretty sure is because I'm so nervous, awkward and always say the wrong thing. I can't get through one day without doing something stupid and kicking myself over it later, everyone around me seems so smart and together and they must think I'm such a mess. The people I have left I'm worried will see how I'm changing, and won't be around much longer. I try and push myself to go out but I'd really rather just be alone so nobody can judge me. I can't see an end to this feeling, I used to always be myself and screw the consequences, I had friends and I was sure that I was a good person with a bright future but now I care so much what's being thought of me I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I can't be inside my own was anymore, especially as I hate my stupid self so much. I want to be successful but I can't get past this weirdness that puts everyone off. And it's not just myself I feel this way about, I can't help but think negatively about everyone. I'm pretty sure my mind is playing tricks on me, but part of me thinks maybe I'm finally seeing myself and everything the way it really is. I'm confused and my mind doesn't stop. I've been to the doctor and I'm having counselling but it's not helping at all. What should I do? Am I going crazy? I really worry that I'm going to lose myself completely! I don want to waste anyone's time but I had to get some of this out of my head.

13 likes, 81 replies

81 Replies

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  • sunset17
    sunset17

    Posted

    Hi Ana, sorry to hear you are feeling this way but you are definately not crazy. This is what anxiety and depression does to you, changing the way you think to extremes. I hate to say that I know how you feel because the way you are feeling now you are probably thinking that nobody can possibly understand you, but this is exactly how I have felt before.

    It took a lot of effort for me to believe that I wasn't going crazy and to convince me that I was unwell and to encourage to talk to a doctor and get help.

    It is great that you have been to your GP about this, well done smile. How long have you been receiving counselling? If it has not been that long then stick with it, it may still work for you. However, if you know that it definately isn't working for you then go back to your GP and tell them this, because counselling isn't right for everyone and there may be something else that could help you. Are you taking any medication?

    Please go back to see your GP and tell them that you are not happy with how the counselling is going, maybe write down everything you have written down so they can understand how you are feeling, this is what I do at my appointments because when I'm in the appointment I get nervous and forget to say all the things that I wanted to say.

    Do not worry, you are not wasting anyone's time, there are lots of people who want to help you smile.

  • ana98035
    ana98035

    Posted

    Thank you for your response itsofluffy. It's reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one who has felt lost this way, I've been anxious my whole adult life and have always felt as though I'm weird and defective and never really addressed it but this is my first experience where it's a constant presence stopping me from functioning and feeling this way is very scary and overwhelming. I feel stupid for even feeling this way and taking up people's time. I've had counseling for a month but I actually feel worse than I did before I started, I'm not on medication as I've said I only consider it as a last resort before, I'll go back to my doctor, I too always make light of my problems when I'm there and find it hard to say how I'm really feeling. Thanks for the encouragement and for taking the time to reply.
  • Rubysparks
    Rubysparks

    Posted

    Hello Ana,

    I am in exactly the same situation!

    I have cut off from all my friends and find that I make excuses if anyone asks me to go out with them shopping or for coffee because I fear that I will be lost for words or make the situation awkward. I constantly overthink things which makes my anxiety a lot worse. I have tried self help books over the years and nothing seems to help. I was prescribed medication 3 days ago (Citalopram 10mg which is for depression and anxiety) I got to the stage where I was so low that everything feels pointless and I dont enjoy anything I do and so medication was my last resort. I am hoping the antidepressants help because I really cannot live like this, I feel like I am wasting my life. I am 24.

    I hope you speak with your doctor and get the help you need, if you need to talk I am here.

    Ruby

    • backey09531
      backey09531 Rubysparks

      Posted

      Hello Ruby, When I read you comment I almost cried, because  there is no single person in my life that ever has understood the way I feel, everyone just tries making me look bad and keeps wanting to push me down as if I am not good as anyone else, I eraced everyone from my life, especially my friends, and now some of my other friends are starting to forget about me and I just dont even want to talk to them, all I wanna do is cry, I tried contacting all of them too many times but no one ever makes times, which breaks my heart because I've tried so much. Anyway, I think this page is gonna be helping me out.
    • sweetspice
      sweetspice backey09531

      Posted

      I got on my smartphone today to look up reasons for people raging and somehow I ended up reading these posts and your reply jumped out to me the most because I have the same feeling that you wrote which said all I want to do is cry. Over the past few years I noticed myself getting angrier and angrier with everything I'm super irritated I can't come down and I'm tired of the news all together because there's always at least one story about a suffering animal that has made me cry for the whole night then I can't get it out of my head and go to sleep anyways thanks for your post I just wanted to let whoever's out there are no you're not alone either I'm barely holding it together as a self-employed person in my entire life and I really just want to give up and stay home everyday I'm angry and sad all the time. it starts out in the morning . I wake up and one of two things happen something makes me .either I feel so sad I burst out crying uncontrollably or I get so frustrated and angry that it causes me to cry uncontrollably. Then I struggle to pull myself together so I can go to work and I work as a hairdresser which makes it even more difficult because I have to socially interact with the people I work with which are seniors at a nursing home and I feel like I'm performing all day long with 6 miles till I get home and then it's another release either I'm throwing sh*t all over the house p*ssed off or I'm screaming and crying like a little three year old and I really feel bad for my little doggies who don't know what to expect out of me anymore I just can't get ahold of anything I'm so stressed out all the time I love Panic from sunrise to sundown and even in my measly five our nightly sleep it seems like I'm not really all the way to sleep I'm just laying there with my eyes closed and ready to throw myself out of bed for another fit I'm completely on edge all the time cure anxiety
    • ann55375
      ann55375 Rubysparks

      Posted

      Your story is so like mine, can you tell me how you got on with the citalopram and if you are better?
    • heather70774
      heather70774 ann55375

      Posted

      I think people reach out to this site but don't ever get back on. I wish it can just go to your email if someone wants to talk. I was researching how my son feels Im sorry you feel this way hopefully someone will respond keep your head up You are a good person and everyone has a meaning in life I stress for my son to get help and he doesn't want to be on medicine 😔

  • Rubysparks
    Rubysparks

    Posted

    Sorry, I would just like to add that prior to being prescribed medication I had blood tests for annemia, underactive thyroid, overactive thyroid and diabetes as these conditions can cause low mood and lack of energy or motivation.

    My results came back clear which is why I was then prescribed Citalopram.

    Ruby

  • sunset17
    sunset17

    Posted

    No problem Ana smile. I am no expert on any of this but I know that any support from others and hearing the experiences of others helps me, so I am glad I have been able to reassure you.

    I have never suffered from depression or serious anxiety before so all of this is new to me, but at the moment I think I am doing ok. I just take one day at a time, some days can be good and others bad, but I have learnt not to expect to be better overnight and I think it takes a lot of effort to push yourself to do what it takes to get better.

    I understand how you feel about only wanting to take medication as a last resort, I was like that too. Then my depression and anxiety rapidly worsened to a point where I was in desperate need of help. I started citalopram in November, but my GP has changed me to Mirtazepine this week because I was still having problems with insomnia. I agree that you should only take medication if you really need it, which unfortunately some of us do. When I think back to how I was in November I do think that I have improved, although I can't be certain this is due to the anti-depressants. I hope you can start to feel better soon too.

    I am still waiting to receive any sort of counselling, I do have quite negative views about it working for me but I think I am still going to give it a go, I hope it helps.

    Good luck when you go back to see your GP smile.

  • shallanamnell
    shallanamnell ana98035

    Posted

    Hi Ana, I know you posted this a few months ago so I hope that everything is feeling a bit better now.  I just wanted to say thank you for posting this.  I feel exactly the same way, that everything I say is wrong, so reading your blog made me feel less alone.  I'm also in a high pressure industry and now work from home - which makes everything worse because I can't see anyone to check that they're not really offended or angry at me.  In fact even writing this is scary, as I really don't want to say the wrong thing.

    When I went to see my GP, they first recommended me for counselling (which let me talk but didn't help much).  Then they recommended me a course of Cognative Behavioural Therapy which turned out to be really useful.  It helped me start to realise that the way I feel isn't my fault and that it's an illness, rather than I'm intrinsicly a bad person.  It meant that I didn't have to take medication (I agree that I only want that as a last resort!), because it gave me practical ways to deal with things.  If you want a taste of what it's like then look here

    http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46

    But the thing that really helped was working through exercises like that with a professional - the exercises seem easy but they're really not.  You have to fully commit to them before they work

    It wasn't perfect and I still have bad days (today might be one), especially now I'm living abroad where CBT isn't available.  But I thought it might give you another option if you were still feeling bad and let me get the fact that I'm still feeling anxious off my chest!

    Shallan

     

  • Geosell
    Geosell ana98035

    Posted

    Hi Ana. Never did this before., but HAD to to let u know you are so not alone . Having very similar feelings lately wife is divorcing me., live in her home town, and everyone has turned their back on me. I'm an artist , and haven't always " tried " to nurture friendships, ie, was somewhat comfy most of time alone. But always liked to know someone who cared was close by. Been consed with anxiety and stress of feeling  going through this by myself. A sense of being paralyzed, and without hope for the unknown future . The worst of what you're feelin and goin through, is feeling you're not wanted needed desired and worthy. It's not true and your mind will play tricks on you, and perpetuate the aloneness . Take heart. You are not alone. I am, we are out here going through similar experiences. We should rally, gather, and show each other that WE are not going through this alone, and our stress and despair is not true, not reality. Be it truth, Ana, you have people like " you"., who care!!!!

  • charmaine79833
    charmaine79833 ana98035

    Posted

    Honestly you are not going crazy I've been feeling the exact same thing sinceI I was a child i'm just happy now that I found this page and theres someone who's feeling the same thing, its all part of depression and anxiety, if someone looks at me wierd or says something I get anxious and think about it when im in bed at night and I start crying, anxiety pains the lot, it is horrible but knowing theres other people thats going through the same thing makes me fee. Better because if they new the. Would understand, I've had people saying to me I'm over reacting, attention seeking and that but they obv don't understand at all which makes it even harder to cope with but I guess counciling and talking to people with simularities make it easier xx
  • cam17522
    cam17522 ana98035

    Posted

    Ana I just read this, I've felt this way before, I cant imagine how hard it must be to live like that all the time! Mt heart goes out to you, I really hope you're feeling better. You may have skizoaffective, which causes people to have false thoughts/ideas/beliefs about themselves and/or others. I know because i have it. Its very scary and there is treatment for it. Will you tell me how you have been? Im really concerned now even though I don't know you. with love, cameron.
    • Hummingbird1
      Hummingbird1 cam17522

      Posted

      Could someone be schizoaffective. If they have symptoms like:

      Complete loss of focus

      Always wandering mind

      Obstructive thinking

      Lost soul

      Worthlessness

      Lack of energy from within

      Negativity

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