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I suspect I have OCD. I like to make lists of things. And if I scratch something off the list, I feel like I have to write it out again as then it's not clear. I doublecheck things a lot. This can affect me in exams as I start checking my answers before I finish my paper and can run out of time. I also sometimes get indecisive making my to do lists as I struggle to decide between writing it in categories or in chronological order. Often I like the chronological order best and if while I'm writing it out, I think of something else that should have been higher in the list, I need to make a new one.
I also like to be prepared. I get very anxious if I feel unprepared. At the till if I'm going to pay I get my money out ahead of time and then I close my purse "to be quicker" before I realise, and feel embarrassed, that I haven't gotten my change yet so I have actually wasted time instead as now I have to open my purse again.
When I go to my locker, I don't just take what I need, I doublecheck what I have in my bag to make sure I have what I need. I doublecheck what's in the locker to make sure I haven't left something out, I doublecheck my bag in case there's anything I could put back into my locker.
I like to keep references of things as I'm afraid I'll forget things. I like to document and record everything really clearly so I won't get anxious if I feel I've lost or forgotten something. Obviously this is time consuming. At one stage, I had the urge to label my bedroom furniture (drawers etc) so it would be easier to find things.
I tend to start organising things when I am anxious, even if it's avoiding the source of my anxiety or I know I have something else I need to get done.
There have been times where I feel compelled to write a list of people I saw in town that I knew, I don't even know why as it would be pointless. Just another compulsion I guess. I used to make lists in my diary too of random things, i just like the feeling of organising things, thoughts, ideas.
Sometimes I get so anxious going through a list to make sure I have everything that I just keep reading it over and over again, as my anxiety increases it gets worse as I am taking nothing in so I continue to keep reading it in a panic until I wrench myself away and tell myself it's OK.
I did not realise how much this ruled my life until today I found myself, pulling things out of my bag and setting up on the desk to have everything ready and in order for when I needed it. I found it visually disturbing seeing that many things on the desk so I wanted to put some stuff back in the bag but I realised that that would be pointless and wasting my time. It scared me to realise how much I think about these things. I always feel like things have to go in the right order and I put so much pressure on myself to try and think ahead so I can do things in the best and most efficient order. It's exhausting, embarrassing, frustrating and I hate it.
Has anyone been diagnosed with OCD or can relate at all? Anyone ever felt similar, had anything like this? I have never talked about it too much to anyone and I think this is the first time I'm properly realising that this is a major source of anxiety for me and takes up a lot of my time.
I would appreciate any comments.
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