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I was a second year student until my anxiety issues started. Began with a panic attack at the cinema, I thought I was having a heart attack. From then I had crippling health anxiety and I was constantly fearful of dying. I had to drop out because this fear took over.
I was a very social student and went out at basically every opportunity. I'd get completely ruined in various ways and loved partying. Since this all started I'm scared of doing any of that again. The problem is when people ask me if I'm 'feeling better for it'. You have to say yes but the real answer is no, isn't it? If I had it my way I'd still be the stupid idiot I was six months ago.
My counsellor has told me that these things were bolt-ons to my personality. However I have no idea who I was before my party life. And I have no idea who I am now. I have an identity crisis that I just can't shake.
I'm currently taking 50mg Sertraline daily and Propranolol before stressful times. This is helping the anxiety somewhat but I've now started resigning myself to the idea that I'm never going to be a normal young person again. This is making me feel very down. I start my first full-time job on Friday and while everyone's telling me that I'll get better I have a depressive nostalgia that seems stuck to me.
I want to be able to get drunk again, I want to be able to enjoy the things I used to without worrying anymore. I want to be able to party again like I used to.
Does anyone know what I mean? Can anyone relate? It sounds like I'm being an idiot but surely this makes sense to some degree?
Cheers for reading guys,
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