Asking for good thoughts and any hope

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I hate to be such a pest on this post I feel like I just can't move from this anxiety. Truly I am just tired of battling at this time. I'm sure many of you read my notes before but I had severe postpartum anxiety and OCD in 2007 after a miscarriage. A couple weeks after the miscarriage I had a seizure on an anabiotic I wasn't supposed to be given. Those two things combined sent me into a severe depression and anxiety where I was anorexic and unable to function and had tremendous intrusive thinking that was Nonstop. I was 30 years old at the time and I was lucky enough to have an 80-year-old Doctor Who called me at home and walked me through my medication. He saved my life along with the fifth med I tried which was Celexa. At that time once I got on the Celexa it was about two weeks and I was at 40 mg and I was feeling really well and never looked back. I never even spoke to my doctor since 2009  and felt fully recovered  and stayed on 40 mg for five years till I weaned off during my last pregnancy I stayed off the medication for two years and felt great or so I thought because of slowly came back in here I am again I came back in June 2016 and I remember the day well I tried the Celexa 10 mg and it felt like way too much for me so I stopped after two days .i've been tried Prozac a few months later and it only helps slightly.Then this pat July my doc said to try  switching straight to selects again since it help me last time. I did a straight switch from Prozac to Celexa and it went smoothly and for a few weeks I was feeling very hopeful and kind of like my old self again about eight or nine weeks into the 40 I started sliding backwards and felt like I was having all my breakthrough symptoms again. I waited two weeks hoping it was a blip and then gave in and called my doctor she said to up to 60 mg as that can usually be the Dose for OCD. I am two weeks in the 60 mg and fear I will not recover. Some days have been OK but just OK and other days I really struggle. I still haven't felt as good as they did those first few weeks on 40. My doc said I'm only two weeks into this dose give it more time. My kids haven't had their mom back since July 2016 but I really just don't feel like this is going to work at this time and I'm really scared. It works so well the last time. I Disney good but some help because it really just desperate to feel l give it more time. My kids haven't had their mom back since July 2016 but I really just don't feel like this is going to work at this time and I'm really scared. It works so well the last time. I Desperately need some reassurance that this can still work for me I just feel really scared.

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  • Posted

    I apologize if some of the spelling makes no sense!I was speaking into my phone!
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  • Posted

    Hi Monica

    So sorry to hear how much you are suffering right now . I'm on 40 mg Citalopram for anxiety and depression and all I can advise you to do is hang on in there which I know seems forever when you are stuck in that terrible dark place with no hope of recovery .

    I initially started on 10 mg 7 years ago and talking from experience it takes me about 6-8 wks to start really benefitting from the increased dosage.

    Give it time and try not to focus toouch on how ur feeling which I know is easier said than done but I'm almost certain you will come out of this feeling alot better.

    As for ur lovely kids and being a mum myself , don't b too hard on urself , ur there with ur kids and that's all they need , kids r alot more resilient than we give them credit for . Just focus on getting better and stop making urself feel guilty for being unwell . U will feel better soon I promise and it will make U a stronger person and also u will start enjoying life again .

    If u need a chat please get in touch as we r all in the same boat on here and all at different stages in our recovery so we can all help eachother .

    Big Hugs lovely :-)

    Louise

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the positive words.Its just I am two weeks into the higher dose and feel like my anxiety has been the worst today since the increase which is strange two weeks in!Honestly I haven't felt great since my dip 9 weeks into 40 mg dose!I was great on 40 for a few weeks in a row.Makes no sense at allll

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  • Posted

    Hi Monica, firstly don't feel the least bit like you're a pest for posting here because we all love to hear how everyone is doing!

    Personally I can't speak from a parental point of view because I am still young myself at 18 haha, but I can speak about the side effects and journey I am taking through Citalopram (Celexa). You said you were on before after a miscarriage which I am so sorry to hear about as I can imagine that can send even the strongest of people into a bad state. However you should always look to the time how you said you recovered and felt like yourself again after going through such a hard time. You know you have the power to get yourself out of these situations and you need to know that the scary thoughts and the nagging "This isn't working!" is just the horrible anxiety trying to get a hold of you and keep you hostage. You're much stronger than it is and your willpower from what I read is so strong I can only applaud you for being so strong.

    Weaning yourself off medication is also not an easy feat and that shows you're so strong and so brave! You need to realise though that through the years and even months our body slowly changes and learns and unlearns ways to cope and deal with different anxiety episodes and the triggers and it could just be that your body needs more time to adjust to the medication. Speaking from experience I have been on the medication for just shy of 5 weeks and I still have to fight the battle with anxiety and other side effects, just remember that they're side effects and they will pass, believe me.

    I thought the worst during my anxiety states.. things like making a mistake going on medication because apparently I was coping (I really wasn't coping I had addictions that I turned to instead of facing fears) and that the medication wasn't for me and I would be constantly in a state bouncing from medication to medication for the rest of my life. However, this is just the evil thoughts made by anxiety keeping us down. Remember that everyone only wants you to be better and the medication is going to help you readjust your mindset to get back to positive and happy thoughts, even if it takes longer than it did before.

    Thoughts are with you Monica,

    Kyle

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    • Posted

      I cannot believe your only 18!My oldest son is 17.I am just amazed at how such a wonderful insight and perspective you have on this!I think you will go very far in life with that mindset and keep your head up too!Im a mom and as a mother I wouldn't want my son to go through what I have.I think you sound so bright and your words bring a smile to my face right now!I am trying to get through and I think this a wonderful place to get very good wise words from others who have been there!I am hanging in and trying to give it more time!Thank you for the great perspective!I know so many of us go through this!!

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    • Posted

      Im so happy I was able to help in any way as I also hate to see people go through anything like this! It goes to show how these horrible times can affect absolutely anyone at any age and doesnt care about who we are or what we go through.

      I am positive you will get through the worst that these side effects and anxiety/depression will throw at you. Remember you have family all around and they are ALWAYS wanting to make sure you are the happiest you can be. It took me a while to learn this when I was a bit younger but something just clicked one day.

      I also share your thoughts about being on this forum as in the short time I have been here I have connected and shared thoughts with so many amazing people and just chatting helps get the positive thoughts going! Just hang in there with the medication and stay in contact with the doctor about how you are feeling, you've battled it before and I am positive you are going to be the undefeated champion in this new fight!

      Wishing you the best like always,

      Kyle

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    • Posted

      Thank you,undefeated champion sounds amazing. I pray we can all say that someday soon, actually making a T-shirt with those words sounds like a pretty good idea, if and when I get there.
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