At least i am crying now!

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I am just thinking about my landscape. I know its selfish.

My sister is a very talented artist, i am not so bad, but hugely criticised, even though I cant see. Its an outlet for the way I feel inside rather than a show off skill.. Anyway, I am very close to my sister- she is the only person that knows what we went through, the only person i truly really wonder and worry about. She painted a picture of me, all alone and 5 with my daddys big headphones on, as music has always been one of my greates escapes. She knows this, and so do i. we love music, and its not your god awful rave - ive never liked that shallow thinking. I thinl if you are to be creative, it is for emotion outlets. happy sad, insecure, hurt or lonely- its the way Ive survived my gloomy times.

I also want to mention something. When I was at school my english teacher took a huge dislike to me. I ended up failing my standard grade, mum was furious with me and battled for me to do my higher. I did it, with a better teacher , I got so anxious about it, I remeber finishing the exam and howling for Scotland for weeks, thinking I had failed!!! Do you people think my english awful? Anyway, i more than passed the subject. I just think its an example of systems and how they fail people. Anyway, must go, hope you folks are feeling better than I, hugs, Katy

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Katy, just read your posts, oh mate, i really dont know what i can say?? You have your babes so be as strong as u can for them.........i dont konw your past life , thats your business but pls dig deep fpr your babes, Katy have to admit Im a little tiddly on the pear cider, great stuff !!! I cant give u advice, who am I to do that??? but just keep the good fight going, I do, why ??? so my babies have a dad and we can have days like today, they make me smile like no woman can, even in u know what ??? Katy, this is so weird, I am very good at art,very good, but what releases me into another world is my music, Melbi help me out, Im talking rubbish now, havent taken tablets for 2 days, f it,I really think we are all tortures souls who deserve better than we get, Katy, love to give u a big hug and say all will be well, think we are all looking for that, love to all........

    ja x

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  • Posted

    Hi Ja, oh up and down like a yo yo, have yo any arsnic, could you post it my way and ill put it in his Sunday tea. Could you have children with someone and then protest about not loving them? What? Was it a business contract? Oh ......must have lost the paperwork for that, i do suppose its goes hand in hand with the facts I am so disorganised, and thts why I lost his driving license...yeah right.....but his passport mya just get it. :lol: huh, :idea: :roll: :evil: :lol: :shock: :lol: Yup, brilliant idea. thanks Ja- id give you a hug too but erm..okay its only a computer :hug: \\There have a computer hug instead - they dont have teddies in that emotion department.
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  • Posted

    Hi Katy and Ja,

    There are possibly more dysfunctional families on this planet than harmonious loving couples and tidy, polite, pleasant kids. So we make choices about our partners based on information we have, which may or may not turn out to be true.

    I divorced my wife of 32 years because we became indifferent to each other, and we were no longer the young couple in love that we once were. So what's lost, count as lost, move on. Or sink in misery. I battled with this brutal and blunt truth for two years before I threw in the towel. I could not fix what was broken.

    No marriage of 32 years is all bad, and I am thankful for the good times, and honest enough to admit that bad times do not materialise with no cause. But when you find yourself surrounded by negativity, when you know that you will never be happy tied to this situation which your life has become, you must start again or become isolated and insular, a centre of negative actions and reactions on a slowly descending spiral until you lose the tools to get up.

    I am also thankful that I was prescribed anti-depressant medication because without it I was lost in a fog of drowsiness, apathy, confusion and a total inability to concentrate or order my day, to attend to important papers or monthly bills, even to feed or bathe myself like my old habitual routine allowed for. I have now reached a stage where I believe I can let go of the anti-depressant crutch and take control again, but until I was ready to do that I would have failed at an attempt because I believe that only when your mind is clear, and you have some goal for which to strive, something that you can be passionate about, only then will depression release its grip in the absence of medication. My goal is to be strong for my 10 year old daughter.

    I hope you do not see my post as preaching. I seek only to relate my passage so far through this malignant condition, in the hope I may strike a chord with others.

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  • Posted

    Hi Breezman, red rain is pouring down all over me, just let rain splash you, let the red rain fall on your skin, with the trust of a child........ :oops: :lol:

    I know, I just cant do it to my children :oops: :cry: One day maybe I will get stronger and 2 fingers up to him......think I need to make lots of money first and stash it away, ha ha ,so that I can just surprise everyone who has thought indifferently about my decisions in my life and then tell them all to bugger off and leave me in peace, and that does not include any of you lovely people, no , just the ones that have taken advantage of my nice nature. :lol:

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    Have you ever bought a Christmas gift through the year, then overlooked it at Christmas time? It was not a gift, because it had not yet been given. Do you remember presenting a gift to your sister, friend or child; do you remember seeing an expression of delight on their face? That is when the gift became a gift, when the giver received the acknowledgment that the gift had been accepted.

    So it is with an insult or denigratory remark. If you ignore it, the giver is stuck with it and it hurts him more than you. Don't let him define your value in YOUR mind. He will one day be your ex unless his behaviour changes. Katy, if he were run over by a bus, you would be on your own. Do you think you could not go on without him? Of course you could, and you would.

    I have faith in your ability to be a great mum and a caring person because I have seen the proof of that here, in this forum. It is great to be successful; it is more great to be of value, don't you think? Big Koala hugs!

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  • Posted

    Breezman, you are such an :angel: I mean, yes, I have bought :arrow: :gift: s for my children and mum and been shocked :shock: to find them :!: :roll: This year, as you lnow, it was my daughters birthday, we had no money, and it was really special to hear her go wow!!!!!!! \"Thank you mummy\", cuddle, cuddle.

    Woke up at 5 am, cant get back to sleep, (Yawn!!!) So tired.....Ive got to go to work in :lol: 3 hours for a 4 hour shift...i dont even know why I cant sleep now, as i am not analysing things in my head like I used to.

    Had such a laugh with my bi sister on the phone last night :lol: :!: Yes, the silly people on STV put a drama on called \"Flood\", based in Wick (Where my big sis lives), not once did we see it on the telly, but found it hilarious. When I went to visit her the weather conditions were severe, bit of things falling everywhere, but over there thats not unusual. Apparently, as I addressed the issue that there were millions of birds but no tress, and wonder where do they all live :oops: :oops: Yes, the teachers over there think I am a complete looney, as there are no trees, and very few chimneys - they must sneak onto the boats or something, who knows :roll: :roll: There is not many magpies either, unlike this place.

    Hope you are doing better, take care, and kaola hugs to you, :lol: I remeber my primary schol teacher once asked me........as I had a fluffy kaola school bag on my back...\"Whats that called?\", I said; \"Kaola bear\", followed by a row, ......\"no its just Kaola\".....considering what was going on at home , I remeber thinking, for god sake, its only a word, eff off you bif heffer...mind you I was 11 with big fluffy Kaola on back :lol: I ask< \"Mum why did you let me do it?\", followed by that disgusting shell suit faze eh ...Yuck!!!!!! Anyway, kaola hugs your way, Katy.

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    Imagine, if you will, a Katy who is kind to herself, who accepts she's human therefore not perfect. Then allow yourself to imagine how much better it would feel if you WERE kind to yourself, and prepared to say, \"I've done the best I can today. Now I need to sleep because tomorrow's a new opportunity!\"

    You must eat properly, sleep when you can at least 6 hours straight, and learn to enjoy your own company too. Accept the wonderfaul aspects of your life: no bullets flying, no starvation, employment, your own health and two healthy kids, .... and without becoming complacent, know that you can be happier but yet still be thankful for the life you have. And know that you have within you the ability to do amazing things. The human spirit is awesome when required to be. Remember the stories of wartime heroism from ordinary blokes and girls in extraordinary situations. We just need to say, \"I WILL DO IT!\"

    Katy, when you wake early, that is the very best time to get up. You can get a little housework done, write the letter to that old friend you've been meaning to since before Christmas, make some pancake mixture for brekky and let it stand in the fridge for an hour (your kids will idolise you and hubby may even find some affection in his repertoire); At the very least you will find that you are tired enough to sleep tonight and if you wake early again tomorrw, that's GREAT! Get up and do it again!

    Rant ,... as Melbi would say, ... over! Huge Koala/Koala Bear hugs. (We use both terms equally as often, so we might be half right!? I'm sure you looked as cute as a kitten at 11 with a big fluffy Koala on your back!

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  • Posted

    Hi Breeezman, i tried to return this message earlier, then my computer went :cracker: s on me and crashed......pff!.

    Ive been up and down, but yes, i can do this, I can. Though my problem is that this is a learned behaviour that I use so I can prepare myself for the worst and then laugh at myself, I guess sometimes it just feeds the evil beast a lettin game, though I suposse I never recognised I did / or took my self critisms too far. Most of the time I believe my self doubts, its such a competitve world we live in and I do not really like competitions!!! But hey hoo, thats life...I am what I am, a human that makes errors, just like any other...I must say though...what is confidence?? If its fake then why do people feel they need to brave out the world, and if it becomes to well used , is it not the case that this a person could become arrohant. Mind you my guess is shyness can lead to others thinking you are rude and arrogant also....I am :? . Where do i start to rebuild myself , how do I start from the bottom and work my way up...Ive tried to fake my confidence but the walls breakdown extremely easily.

    Oh nevermind, I do waffle :lol: How are you? Are you feeling any better? kaoa hugs to you to...aawww they are so cute!!

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  • Posted

    Breezman, inspirational words, to all, I am at breaking point tonight, my ex brought her new fella to pick up my boy after he has spent 3 days in hospital, I simply cant take no more pain, he is my boy, my flesh and blood, no one can replace me................. I cried my eyes out tonight waiting for my ex, tonight my heart was truly broken, if anyone who has kids can understand how much i hurt tonight they will understand, i am so broken up , my beloved child is lost now, i have had a drink now, and if i never woke up i seriosuloy would take it now, i feel thatlow ja
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  • Posted

    Hi Ja,

    You know, crying is a great release mechanism and if you can cry your eyes out for an hour you are a long way ahead of the man who bottles it up before going over the edge.

    I have not seen my daughter since 05 March 07. Every time I go to see her, which is a 1200 k round trip, her mother disaqppears with her. This has happened 7 times in 12 months. But let us stop and consider who and what is important here.

    My argument is with my ex-wife, not my daughter. I love my little girl and am determined to see her get a better chance with me than she would without me. So I must be strong.

    Ja, I think all of us have a fear of something. I'm not good on heights, and like you, I have a fear of loss of love. That fear became transcended by the fact, and I divorced the woman who had been my wife. This was not the woman I married. She may make the same observation about me, I do not know, nor do I care now. The point is, my daughter needs me.

    Don't give up on your son Ja. At some point he will think of you, and you must believe you will never be replaced. Never. This new man in his mum's life will be simply that, a new man in mum's life. But you must be as strong as you can be for him. You must insist on equal access, equal custody time, year about residence for Christmas and birthdays. And before you can do that you must try and get yourself into a position where you can afford both the expense and the time. If you can not honestly afford both, then work out a compromise with your ex which allows you time with your son, even if it's only every second weekend and holiday time.

    I do feel your pain Ja. My ex has poisoned my four older kids against me. I don't know what she has told them but none of them keep in touch with me now. That's sad for me, but it's ok because they're all old enough to look after themselves now. But my little girl is only 10, and I will do whatever is necessary to put the facts before the Court.

    Your child is not lost Ja. Your son is only lost if you let him go. Insist on your right of access to him. I am seeking 100% custody of my daughter on 25 June this year, brought forward from late November 09 because I insisted that that time period was too long for my daughter to have to wait. The Court agreed, and expedited the matter. So hang in there mate, the system does not care how you feel, the system cares whether you will be a beneficial influence to your son. Fight for him, Ja, fight for him as if his life depends on it. It just might.

    And keep posting here if you feel you can. I have read many, many posts here, and others have helped me enormously by expressing exactly how I feel, which allows me to see that I'm not the only one trying to battle through this. Kind regards Ja. There are better times ahead.

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  • Posted

    Hi Ja and Breezman, Ja, youll never loose your children, ever. Even you have said that you are a GOOD daddy. So keep them close to your heart and be the best daddy you can be, you. They will only ever have ONE! Take care, from little miss panic, but no tears!! woman!!!!!

    I had such a frekky attack today, been totally paranoid, and then started to shake and shake, with no real understanding as to why, so I was walking in the sun and shalink , even trying that breathing thing didnt stop me from shalinkg, so before i passed out I grabbed the sugar from the sweetie shop,,,well, an icecream, and tried to get it in my mouth. Anyway, :lol: a mum passes me in the street, with a baby licking away at an ice cream, meanwhile, theres me, shaking like I dont know what, I could hardly get the cone in my mouth, then :lol: remebered the baby in the pram with the ice cream dripping down its chin and the chocolate around its mouth, so its mum turns round, as I am wiping my mouth, trying to get the ice cream off my mouth, oh, and laughing outloud, hysterically, nearly wet myself :oops: :lol:

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