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I'm not sure what I am doing by writing on here, I honestly feel a little stupid but I'm going open up because I am so lost.
I have always felt like I am not good enough and in order to feel better, I have really worked hard on myself. If I get good grades, I'll have a good job, if I am a "happy" person then I'll have good relationships with people, if I exercise then I'll look good and feel good. All this doesn't help though. Despite how hard I work I can't seem to get anything right. It's finally got to me, I just want to stop. I just want to give up. I don't deserve this life if I have to work so hard to be in it. I havent left my room in weeks and in that time I have discovered that nobody cares. Nobody cares if your down or upset, they just want the funny, happy part of you, Its not like me to feel this way yet nobody seems to of noticed. I am alone in these feelings.
But my feelings are all confused. It feels like I am in three pieces within myself. The first part of me is telling me to just get over it, I'm not depressed or have anxiety issues, I'm just sad and I need to man up. There is such a stigma with mental health issues and I want to deny that I even have these feelings and just carry on how I have been. The second part of me is so angry at all the people that have hurt me, I just want to scream at them for making me feel so worthless over the years. The last part of me just hates who I am. If I was a better person then people wouldn't hurt me. I must be a horrible person if people just don't care for me. I'm in a constant battle with myself. Hiding just makes me feel lonely, pretending thats all okay makes me neglect my own feelings, telling people how I really feel scares me because I know they won't understand or they'll hate me even more. I don't even know if this war inside my head makes me depressed. I don't know how to fix this.
This is so long, I'm sorry x
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