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At war with myself

Posted , 4 users are following.

thebigbiglemon
thebigbiglemon

Hello,

I'm not sure what I am doing by writing on here, I honestly feel a little stupid but I'm going open up because I am so lost.  

I have always felt like I am not good enough and in order to feel better, I have really worked hard on myself. If I get good grades, I'll have a good job, if I am a "happy" person then I'll have good relationships with people, if I exercise then I'll look good and feel good. All this doesn't help though. Despite how hard I work I can't seem to get anything right. It's finally got to me, I just want to stop. I just want to give up. I don't deserve this life if I have to work so hard to be in it. I havent left my room in weeks and in that time I have discovered that  nobody cares. Nobody cares if your down or upset, they just want the funny, happy part of you, Its not like me to feel this way yet nobody seems to of noticed. I am alone in these feelings.

But my feelings are all confused. It feels like I am in three pieces within myself. The first part of me is telling me to just get over it, I'm not depressed or have anxiety issues, I'm just sad and I need to man up. There is such a stigma with mental health issues and I want to deny that I even have these feelings and just carry on how I have been. The second part of me is so angry at all the people that have hurt me, I just want to scream at them for making me feel so worthless over the years. The last part of me just hates who I am. If I was a better person then people wouldn't hurt me. I must be a horrible person if people just don't care for me. I'm in a constant battle with myself. Hiding just makes me feel lonely, pretending thats all okay makes me neglect my own feelings, telling people how I really feel scares me because I know they won't understand or they'll hate me even more. I don't even know if this war inside my head makes me depressed. I don't know how to fix this. 

This is so long, I'm sorry x

2 likes, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 thebigbiglemon

    Posted

    Hello, Firstly your not stupid, you are brave to open up to people on here and you have come to the right place, we are understanding and try to help each other here. You sound depressed, depression is inward anger because of issues we haven't dealt with. You say your angry because people have hurt you. I can identify with that as i too feel angry at people who have hurt me and from abuse. Negativity is also a sign of depression, isolation, selff hatred, low self esteem and no confidence. Yes we do battle with our minds with our feelings. You must go to your GP and explain how your feeling. You may need medication. Counselling is good in that you can express how you feel to an outsider who will not judge and it is confidential. Counsellors are not emotionally involved and will help you explore your feelings. Staying isolated is not good for you, thou i do understand. Exercising and eating healthy is good for the mind, body and soul. Make that first step to see your GP. I don't know your age but you sound young and you have a whole life ahead of you. You cannot see that now i know, but hopefully you will recover from this depression.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth. 

  • froggy2
    froggy2 thebigbiglemon

    Posted

    Hey

    Thanks for summarising myself!

    Nothing ever goes right for anyone? Some get loud and angry like my brother, but we get depressed cause we care about others enough not to attack them for something we feel.

    People care, they just - I don't know the rights words for it.. theres so many types of reaction by them that looks like a rejection. Surprise: "didn't know he knew that" Self interest: "I'm angry so i'm going to shout at you for a bit till I feel bettter." for examples.

    I have a problem with answering people back after an "attack" ie "Hey hold on why did you say that for? I'm not your punching bag"

    Worst I feel I have to explain my actions all the time, so instead of saying "hey, loved you post" I'm explaining why.. people get bored of that pretty quickly.

    BTW I'm going to the psych next Wed and will bring your words.. I'll see what she say and pass it on.

  • froggy2
    froggy2 thebigbiglemon

    Posted

    "time I have discovered that nobody cares" Nobody knows perhaps? or they genuinely think that you want some "me" time and dont see the undercurrent? My actions have been mistaken like this. My brother who only sees the outside things in life, he won't do anything untill I say anything.

    It's not stupid or worthless either.. war in the head - i call it socks in the drawer. same thing aI think. I feel stoopid cause I do one thing but concenttrate on the next thing, or something thats just come into my mind, so I only have 1/4 concentration on anything. So I screw up. thats not stupid. smile

    • froggy2
      froggy2

      Posted

      See, I meant to sat socks in the tumble dryer but I was thinking of something else.

      Real life example,. I'm doing publications receipts .. books come in and I have to sign off two forms to say I got them.

      I was thinking of a Railway thing - (diesel freak) and my assistant comes up with "hey what are these on the shelf?" I had 20 unfinished book processes from a month ago. I say oh these must be the updates I was working on. - didn't check did I cause I was thinking of the forms? So assistant come back "hey these aren't updates". so I look stoopid.

      So I start processing these, (my brother would have old her to b&%er off untill he was ready) someone comes in to borrow a book on a piece of equipment, so I drop everything to research the book. Had an email reply about some railway stuff which kicked off a design sock - make that 3 socks, gotback onto the this forum.. so now I have 3 forum posts, 5 sets of paperwork, assistant who thinks I'm dumb and - &^$*$ I've forgot what I wanted to say in the forum. :P

      That's why me like writing stuff down on paper, and why me not like losing paper! Me like Me go home and try to sleep.

  • jemimah88932
    jemimah88932 thebigbiglemon

    Posted

    Hey I am sorry you have to go through this....put never let anyone put u down....they may not realise it now....but they will....what they will realise is that they lost such a great person like u in their life.....don't beat yourself up....you are special in your own way no one can say otherwise.....if u know u didn't do anything wrong it's not your fault.....remember lien u said maybe it's because u are a bad person,but your friends can be bad to u....that's why they might have did that...stay strong....you deserve someone who cares about you as much as u care about them.....and always remember God is always with you....u might feel no one is there but he is there and he will never leave you or forsake you.....take care.....Jesus loves you
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