Back in the wilderness

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Its been a while since i posted on here. Flu was keeping me on the straight and narrow. However on Sunday evening i received a telephone call to tell me that a good friend of 30 years had died of cancer. She was only 47. The news hit me like a train and i'm suffering more than a wobble. It feels like i'm lost all over again. I try to keep busy but the care about everything has gone out of the window.

I'm visiting a counsellor tomorrow, something i haven't had to do for a couple of years (been on flu coming up to 4 years now after the sudden death of my mother).

I don't want to go back to that horrible dark and desperate place.

I know time is a great healer but right now i don't believe it.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    hiya megan,

    long time no see, which is a good thing under the circumstances cheesygrin sorry to hear about your recent loss of your friend, try not to worry too much megan, at least you know whats causing your low mood and its not just hit 'out of the blue'.

    your doing the right thing by getting straight on the case and seeing a counsellor, i truly know how terrifying it feels to think of the possibility of going back to the depths of despair again, you havent stopped caring about things megan, its just your mind playing nasty games, dont let it, keep busy, any distraction will do, keep telling yourself that grieving is a natural thing to do, say it out loud if you want to, be carefull not to confuse deep sadness with depression,, for us depression sufferers its easy to blur the line between the two sad

    keep posting megan, your an old hand at this game and you know how it goes and so far your doing what needs to be done, trust your own judgement, its a blip on the radar, all be it a big one, dont let your mind trick you into thinking otherwise megan wink

    cheers, speak again soon,

    Ken~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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  • Posted

    Cheers Ken

    Good to hear from you too. I thought this site had lost its intensity of late but glad there are people like you still around. Its worse than just losing a friend - in those 30 years we twice had intimate relationships. She was the only person in my life so far who would put herself out to help me in my direst moments (pre depression). I even went on holiday with her and her kids when her hubby couldn't. The real sad part is that she had 3 kids - the youngest of which is only 12. Any time is terrible to lose your mum - i know mine was only 6 years ago but at least i was an adult.

    Think what it must be like for a 12, 16 and 18 year old. I keep getting visions of her hubby and the 12 year old and its very hard to deal with. I feel numb. The counsellor was a good person to vent at.

    I was just starting to get my life on an even keel after having to give up retraining as an electrician due to numerous injuries which are being dealt with under hospital care.

    I know the way out of this is to keep busy and not to dwell but the oomph has gone to do anything constructive. I will be having another counselling session next week.

    I so want to fight my feelings but know that that is pointless and your right, my head is playing tricks on me - its that horrible feeling again of not being in control of my thoughts and emotions and the 'flu' not allowing me the ability to cry that is making me angry and frustrated but i don't need to tell you that!!

    Hows things with you?

    Bets wishes and thanks for replying so quickly.

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  • Posted

    hiya megan cheesygrin

    hows it going, things getting any better ??

    as regards myself, im still plodding along, im nearly out of the depression, bout time too, as its been going on 3 years now, i managed to summon up the strength and moved to a new place about xmas time (old flat was a slum and landlord wouldnt spend a penny on it) i really don't know how i managed it to be honest, id just about given up and was ready to turn out the lights permanently cry

    in June i kicked the psych drugs into touch, i was sick of feeling brain dead, no emotion/personality, zilch, nothingness, empty, i whent to see a new doc who has an interest in mental health issues, guess what, my imaginary aches and pains arent, they are down to rheumatic and auto immune problems, she's still carrying out lotsa tests/referals etc, but at last i feel like im getting somewhere cheesygrin

    dont you find that's the case megan, when you've got a long history of mental health issues, everything, but everything that ails you is put down to your mental state, psychiatrists just seem to think its 'all in the mind' in the end i got to believe them, which just made matters worse sad

    anyhoos its still 2 steps forward and one back, but its a damn site better than one forward and two steps back, im getting there, wowzers i thought it was never going to end this time rolleyes

    sorry about the essay, but you did ask lol wink

    cheers megan, speak soon,

    Ken~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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  • Posted

    Hi Ken

    You sound quite upbeat - good for you. It usually only takes 1 person who really knows what they are talking about (your new doc) and its amazing what progress can be made.

    I did joke with my doc at my last visit that its a pity they don't rent rooms as i spent so much sodding time there - he didn't see the funny side.

    The hospital where i'm having tests and ops is very thorough - trouble is, it is 43 miles away.

    I'm feeling much better in myself thanks - it is reactive depression that i've got and i certainly reacted big time.

    No need to apologise for the essay. Its good to catch up on 'old' fellow sufferers.

    Best wishes mate.

    And well done on the move too - not the easiest thing to do when the mind is elsewhere.

    MP

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  • Posted

    Me again

    My dad died in Feb this year and as my last parent i've been spending a good part of the week at his house - he was a hoarder - helping my sister sort out the junk from the sentimental stuff. My eldest brother is the executor and i've seen a different side to him which is not pleasant and quite upsetting. For a few days after coming home i feel crap only this time i went on Facebook to catch up on friends antics only to be informed that a friend and ex work colleague of 8 years had died suddenly on Tuesday.

    Ever since, i've been back in the wilderness - constant headache, bad sleep etc. I'm just getting over a cold so have been unable to visit the pro's. When is good news going to happen? Everything is such an effort and it feels like my whole body is in physical as well as emotional pain. I'm really getting fed up with this lethargy now.

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  • Posted

    hiya Megan,

    sometimes it seems relentless, one thing after another, what i will say is that you seem to be coping very well under the circumstances and are able to function and do what you have to do, well done cheesygrin

    im afraid ive done a 'nose dive' too grrrrrrrrrr, its soooooooo hard to remember how it feels to be 'alive' im a virtual prisoner in my own home, i dont have the energy to do anything most of the time, ive even been relying on a good friend to get me to hospital (medical not psychiatric) for the tests that are still on going to get to the bottom of whats going on physically with me, they have found that i have 'thick blood' that doesnt carry sufficient oxygen to my body and brain, guess what, exercise will help a great deal apparently !!!!! i wish, half the time i hardly have the energy to do the washing up, never mind about exercise, talk about catch 22, im back at the docs on monday to come up with plan Z rolleyes

    my doc wanted me to go back on anti depressants but ive politely refused so far as i think this time my depression is causal/reactive rather than genetic, like you it seems a never ending story, living on my own its so easy to get lost in your own negative thoughts,like you i wonder if it will ever end.

    sorry to not be much help at the moment, but i cant seem to put things in perspective at the moment, im sure you know exactly what i mean, its crazy, why cant i be glad that ultrasound scans/X-rays show that my organs etc are good, i seem unable to appreciate anything at all, all we can do is let time take care of it Megan and try and stop beating ourselves up over what in effect is beyond our control to a great extent, hmmmmmmm easier said than done eh lol.

    well thats my rant over, your turn Megan wink

    speak soon,

    Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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  • Posted

    Hi Ken

    Sorry to hear this b*stard illness has got you by the short and curlies again - it really is a git and creeps up on you when you least expect it. How did the docs appt go on Monday?

    I just had to look on the calender to see what day it was and date for that matter. I spend just over half the week at my 'dads' sorting, clearing and cleaning and then home for a few days to recover before doing it all again with the help of my sister.

    A good friend is selling some stuff of 'dads' on ebay and i had orders to send something pronto today which put me in panic/manic mode. I've now slipped to the other end of the scale into can't be a*sed mode but that seems to be my reaction after every trip anyway - that and the fact i didn't go to bed til 3.15am this morning probably didn't help.

    These trips will be coming to an end soon as the house will be going on the market. Its going to be tough saying goodbye to the house i was born in 51 years ago with many good memories but i hope with my share of the inheritance i can move far away and start over.

    Best wishes mate and thinking of you.

    MP frown

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