bad afternoons

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I have noticed that I start to feel worse as the day goes on,I cant seem to motivate myself to get up anymore and even basic things like having a shower and get dressed are starting to defeat me.I am so scared that my poor husband will crack under the strain of having me churn out all my suicidal feelings every evening but they are so strong again.The voices are back a bit,telling me to end it all and I know Im getting worse,I just cant cope with all the pressures of life,am scared of evrything,cant go out on my own now,just wouldnt,why arent I getting better? :cry:

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  • Posted

    I'd like to start by saying what a revelation it has been to find this forum for other mental defectives like me! :wink:

    I have been very lonely for a very long time.. :cry:

    Even though I have friends, it is difficult for them to understand or relate to me on some levels. they find it difficult when I let them know about all the different ways I have thought of killing myself! Unless you've been there yourself, what can you say? :wink:

    I have been reading some of your experiences and they have helped me a lot to know that you are struggling with the same problems. :roll:

    megapolitico,

    don't panic!

    I don't know how long you have been on the Mirtazapine, or Yellow Bentines, as I like to call them!

    I have been on them for over 2 years off and on. I take 45mg, What are you on?

    I does take time to adjust to them and they are not perfect by any means :x

    I like cycling and running but have really struggled to get out and train.... :zzz:

    I have really had to work at forcing myself out. :grrr:

    It took ages to get out of the house, you know how tired you feel.

    I'm back at work now, which is a nightmare! :bat:

    I just zone out when people are talking to me. Most embarrassing... :oops:

    Even now, I'm sat at my desk trying not to fall asleep or just to get up and walk out.

    I've found that setting yourself targets helps. for instance, to force myself to train I entered the Reading Half Marathon, which I ran on Sunday.

    I had to train for it, even though, I always wanted to find an excuse not to.

    I managed a time of 1 hour 46mins. not bad for the Fat, miserable wreck I am! :shock:

    I'm not happy about my weight or my tiredness, but I keep fighting it.

    It is just about living with it and finding a way to get by without it being as awful as it was before the pills!!!!!

    I still think about killing myself all the time, but if I'm not really low, I do it in a more light hearted manner! :x :shock: :twisted: :? :lol: :roll:

    It may sound silly, but it works for me, most of the time.

    I still get bad patches where nothing works and I think I've had enough, but you have to get by, any way you can.

    just so you know, I'm not always this cheerful. I think I'm a bit excited about posting my first message ( not doing the work I'm being paid for, stuff em'! :evil: ).

    Sorry if this is a bit of a rambling mess, but thats how my head is! :?

    Keep at it Mega P :D

    I'm living it with you.....

    moonbug

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  • Posted

    Mega P ,

    I forgot to say.... :oops:

    I try and limit the amout of suicidal rubbish I dump on my nearest & dearest.

    I have a couple of friends who are used to me and not too freaked out by my mad stuff.

    I also have a therapist, which I have to pay for myself, (NHS not having it! :grrrsmile

    Try and do somethjing physical to get some of it out of your system. Writing stuff down can help.

    I have been less anxious since I have been on the Yellow Bentines!

    it took me a while to let things go but I'm definately not as much of a stress head as I used to be!

    hope this helps....

    Stay cool Mega P 8)

    Still rambling.....

    moonbug :?

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  • Posted

    Hi Moonbug

    have been on mirtazapine 45mg since December,was on30mg since October.Also now on olanzapine,diazepam and lithium as well.For these reasons I would have hoped to be either comatose or happy by now!

    I really admire your goals,I saw my CPN today and she said to make my goals less ambitious so that I dont constantly fail.She also said that I have to focus on the times I fell OK and realise that afterwards Im bound to feel worse when the bad thoughts seep back in .All these things are obvious but they dont come readily to me any more.Writing on this forum helps,but the gym which I loved once is just beyond me at the moment,I was bullimic but that seems to have gone now,it wasnt true bulimia,just related to the voices I used to have which have also gone.I am not putting any weight on in spite of the meds.

    I hope I will start to feel better once the lithium dose is raised,Im always waiting for the next big thing to make it better

    Keep in touch

    Jox

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  • Posted

    Hi jo,

    I spent a long time waiting for one change in my treatment to be a big breakthrough, but it took time and it ended up being more gradual than i would have liked.

    i'm very impatient! :x

    I drove myself mad by expecting too much too soon. Try not to build your hopes up and be happy when there is any improvement even if it is just a day.

    I know you are trapped inside at the moment, but try and persist with some form of exercise inside if you can. It does make all the difference. I am a different person when I don't exercise. :twisted:

    It is one of the hardest things to get started again when you have been so low. I go through very low periods where everything goes to pot. Then I have to build myself back up again from scratch.

    I have to set myself targets like going up / down the stairs a minimum number of times per day.

    I found it very easy not to leave my bedroom for days at a time. :zzz:

    Only by making small steps, did I get back to going out again.

    I have never been one for gyms, too many people for me. Thats why I have always liked cycling and running. Its just you and the open road. You don't have to speak to anyone! :D Apart from your own voice in your head (I'm constantly having a go at myself about something! :doh: )

    You need to fit activities in that you want to do and which you can manage.

    I have to be very diciplined with what I do and what I expose myself to, as I can react badly to so many different things.

    You just have to know what is good for you and stick to your own set of Dos & Don'ts.

    That has helped me a lot.

    I spent a long time falling into the same traps because I didn't think about what I was doing most of the time and I thought I would be ok.

    It took me a long time to stop being my own worst enemy. :monster:

    I used to spiral out of control making myself more and more miserable and hating myself more and more. :grrr: And I can still do it from time to time, but you must watvch yourself all the time.

    You know how it is when nothing works. :cry:

    All you can do is chip away and enjoy any respite you get, even if it is just 5 minutes, A mere distraction, it all helps in the long run.

    Hang in there Jo, something will happen eventually. Try not to get too frustrated. I have always tried to endure, just a bit longer and wait for the change. After all, it always comes in waves, good bit, bad bit. even when the bad bits seem never ending, they do ease off eventually.

    I'm still a shambles most of the time, but I have learnt to not being as hard on myself as I used to be.

    Of course, this will all change when I'm on a downer again! but until that happens, I try and not be quite so mental :evil:

    nothing is ever good enough for me, I'm always being rubbish at something.

    Anyway at least all of us mental defectives have each other! :rainbow: :rainbow: :rainbow:

    I feel less alone now I have found this forum and can share some of my horrors with the rest of you!

    i have also felt better being able to share some of my experiences in an attempt to make things easier for you. smile

    Hope things get better soon,

    sorry if it is a bit incoherent, pick what you can from the above.

    Speak to you soon

    moonbugx 8)

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  • Posted

    moonbug

    I can see that you are right about taking small steps and celebrating each tiny triumph.I am getting more good bits but have been srring them as negative because they dont last long when really I should celebrate them in their own right.Yesterday a friend came and brought me a plant for the garden,another brought me a lovely book with a card and these things did lift my spirits.Today a friend is coming,so I will have seen more people this week than I have for many weeks.

    Iwent to the Dr today,I walked and collected massive prescription and it was fine.Maybe Il do my exercise dvd instead of going to the gym.

    Its very hard to stay on top of the anxiety,thats the crippling thing,but it is les often now.I know i have made progress,you have been very helpful,it makes it easier to ignore the bad stuff iif you can focus on tiny triumphs,I have been trying to do all the things I used to do and thats impossible.Its just going to be a long haul,and I am so impatient, :roll:

    Thanks for writing tobmr

    Jox

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  • Posted

    Jo did you know that you can get a prescription pre payment card? I have a massive prescription every time I go to the docs. You can even pay via direct debit for a whole year. It works out so much cheaper unless you are getting free prescriptions already. Take care. Love Pooh bear.
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  • Posted

    Hi Pooh Bear

    yes I just got a card thanks,it was getting ridiculously expensive otherwise,apart from the storage space needed in my house !

    Jox

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