Bad thoughts

Posted , 4 users are following.

Im having some very unpleasant thoughts and feelings. I feel alien from myself and everyone around me. I think I cannot bare my life anymore. I havent felt suicidal or self harmed in quite some time but have been self harming and had thoughts of overdosing. Ive barely eaten in last week or two as I cant eat.

I dont know what to do. I dont feel able to call xnyone as I dont know what to say and im scared what will happen.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear

    Have patience and remain unruffled about brain condition. it shall change for better with time. Go for a walk. 

    Believe in the fact that the life which is sustaining you is always positive. You are alive. if you continue to believe in this "truth", things shall be fine. i know it can be extremely tough,but you take it easy and remain relaxed. If you need silence, be in silence, but you can write a journal. 

    read positive books.

    lots of sincere ove 

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  • Posted

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way K. You've made a start by posting here, and you've put into words what you need to say to a friend or a health professional. That would be the next stage. If you don't know what to say, write it down and take it with you. As for what will happen, I presume you mean if you get into the mental health system? Remember it is appallingly overstretched and, unless you are an immediate risk to yourself or others, everything will be within your control and at your pace. Hospital admission for instance is highly unlikely - even people at immediate risk aren't getting the bed they need.

    Not being able to eat is a common symptom for some people with mental health problems - loss of appetite, inability to swallow, food rules - I have them all. My doctor reassured me that, so long as I was taking in fluids, a few weeks would do no harm so don't worry about that. It's more harmful long-term. Nibble, graze (eat a little as soon as you feel like it), carry food with you wherever you go so you can have 1/3 of a banana or half a snack bar at any time. That's how I get through. Just eat when you can. Half a piece of toast is better than none! It's not a healthy and nutritious approach to eating but it gets some food in. Drink fruit juice, a bit more milk in your coffee, these add 'food.' The lack of food goes a long way to explaining low mood and lack of energy.

    Hopefully your next step will be to make an appointment to see a GP or practice nurse you can relate to. Take your written notes. Just say I can't talk about it but I need help and shove it in his/her hand. They will understand. They will know what's the best route to follow after that. Remember though, it's in your control. If they give medication and it doesn't help after 4 weeks, don't blame yourself. Report back and ask if there's an alternative. Same with side effects - you don't have to it up with it but you do need to find your voice.

    Meantime, go easy on yourself. Self-harm seems to have very short-term benefits and you go for periods without doing it so how about looking for alternatives? There's no point suggesting walks and stuff - you haven't the energy - but a technique I've been given recently (for panics, but it might work) is to clutch a bag of frozen peas in my hands. The strong physical impact is a bit of a diversion while the urge passes. Not that we can carry frozen peas round with us but, if you're at home and can get to them...

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    • Posted

      Hi Jan thanks for taking time to reply. Gp already knows im struggling ive been seeing her since Feb and was referred to cmht. Had psychiatric assessment the other week which made me worse. They sent back assessment saying moderate depressive episode and gad. Psychiatrist has put me on new medication.

      I know they wouldnt section me but i didnt tell them yet about self harm and suicidal thoughts. I dont know if gp would tell mh team or not.

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    • Posted

      That's great K. Unfortunately psych assessments can feel very undermining - ticking boxes instead of sympathising with the pain - but it's a system that has to be followed sadly. They don't do hugs on the NHS tho they might save a fair bit if they did. I hate labels. They are reassuring and worrying at the same time and my personal experience is, give me a label, I'll start living up to it. But depressive episode is a reassuring diagnosis - it shouldn't;t take so long to come out of it. GAD, snap. Hopefully your new medication will help but keep trying if it doesn't!

      Aha, secrets!! Self-harm is incredibly common so don't hesitate to get the information to your GP at the least. I would say the MH team do need to know, if only because they have the expertise to support you with it. I don;t have personal experience of it but I have friends who are severely addicted to it and I know there are strategies/support to help you control it and even stop it. After all, we're suffering enough without adding self-punishment we actually don't deserve! 

      Keep us posted with your progress. Good luck.

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  • Posted

    Today and yesterday have been hell. I cant bare another moment. Ive avoided being at home. Went in the car and sat out in a car park. Back home still cannot bare it...I cannot even describe the crushing feeling...

    I had messaged a friend to say wasnt meeting up and why. She said she would call me today, but hasnt. That nay have been my lifeline 😔

    Back at gp tomorrow just dont know if she will help me or not..not sure if i should tell her these awful thoughts im having about myself and self harm. I dont want to say so and then be mortified by her reaction or short appointment time and feel rejected.

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    • Posted

      Oh my heart goes out to you and I'm yelling (in my head) yes yes YES. Go in, sit down, don't even wait for the 'what can I do for you today?'  Just say what you feel - you've had enough, you're really struggling and your self-harm is worrying you.

      As regards your friend, I know from my own experience that, when we are feeling vulnerable, a cancellation or lack of a call feels like rejection. There can be loads of reasons for her silence, including losing her phone, can't find the charger, out and left phone at home, having a crap day herself. She may well have gone ahead without you and be planning to contact you later. Try not to think the worst.

      Please don't be ashamed of self-harm. It is a common symptom of psychological pain (I've known a couple of nurses and a doctor who have the problem.). It's hard for those who don't do it to understand (I don't but I have learnt a lot from pupils and friends over the years) and so the questions and comments may seem crass or unsympathetic but remember, your GP is assessing your wellbeing and safety while taking in what you say and may not appear to be listening. She is.

      If you can, come straight out with it. Please, what help is there? I feel desperate. She can't work miracles but just telling the secret of the self harm will be a load off you.

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    • Posted

      App was ok but she kept saying im doing ok and she expected it to be worse coming off one medication onto another .not sure if sge means its all fine?? She also said not to worry about those things as im going through a tough time right now.

      She wants to put medications up as per psychiatrist letter and wants to see me again next week hope she doesnt think im over dramatic

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    • Posted

      Hi K. First of all, well done for seeing that through. Did she say not to worry about the self harm? As you are increasing your dosage, I would assume she hopes the higher dose will help address those concerns but I'm only guessing. What's good is that she has asked to see you next week, which is quite unusual. I would think her words were to reassure you (perhaps she thought looking concerned would frighten you further) but she is definitely keeping a close eye on you. That is really good for a GP in the current climate of the NHS! She wouldn't expect to see any change from an increased dose within such a short time.

      Looks like you have a good one there!

      Meantime, don't expect miracles. An increased dose may work, it may mean lousy side effects for a while. Only time will tell (more than a week) but she sounds proactive and I'd trust her judgment if you can. As for whether she thinks you're over dramatic, that's your insecurity undermining yourself again (as my therapist keeps pointing out to me). You have a lot to be worried about (as she reminded you) so try to silence that voice that's telling you you don't deserve to be listened to and cared for? Over dramatic!!???

      Btw, I don't live on the internet lol - I just happened to be checking my email for today!

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    • Posted

      I dont think she was saying sh didnt matter i explained i did it for first time in 10 yrs and she asked what i did and i told her. She also asked me what suicidal thoughts i had and what stopped me.

      She wondered if i was better on previous medication i said no and was keen to get me up to a "therapeutic" dose.

      I think she was trying to reassure me that im doing ok, considering as this is what she said at the end. She is very nice.....

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  • Posted

    I'm sorry your feeling like this 😰 I know what the thoughts are like I struggle every day and waking up I panic and fear everything. Are you on medication. As I'm have been charged 3 times over 6mths and still can't get the right one..please don't hurt your self . I hate when people say to me my kids do get out the house go somewhere. It's so hard when u can't walk out the door and they don't understand why..the big black hole from depression n anxiety mental Heath is so scary and very hard to deal with xo

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