Bad week, missed pills.

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Because I take the contraceptive pill, I'm really bad at taking my citalopram during the week break... Which was this week. As a result, I haven't taken my citalopram since about Monday. And I can feel it now.

Last night, I was at my boyfriend's house and suddenly felt my mood change completely. After a while, I burst into tears, and couldn't stop crying. And I got angry, too. Irritable, and miserable, and crying, and it wasn't good. I'd been feeling so horrible and miserable leading up to that, too.

And this morning... I woke up feeling ok, but soon became very irritable and angry, and couldn't stop feeling all these negative feelings and thinking all these negative thoughts. I left my boyfriend's house in such a bad mood, I didn't even say goodbye properly, we argued as I was leaving, and I nearly kicked over his neighbour's bins which were taking up the entire pavement (inconsiderate idiots).

I can't stop feeling angry, or miserable. I can't stop not wanting to be me - I'm hating myself so much right now, I can't stand it. Everyone I know adores and goes on about how amazing various different people are in my life - my childhood friend, my boyfriend's cousins, etc... I'm surrounded by these people who are beautiful, and intelligent, and free, and loved so absolutely by everyone who knows them. I'm surrounded by people going on about how fantastic these people are, and naming all the reasons why they love them. I asked my boyfriend to name one reason why he loves me, and he couldn't come up with a proper reason. \"Because you're just amazing\" doesn't count - it doesn't describe me at all, it doesn't say what kind of person I am, what traits about me he loves, what my strengths are.

So I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is that, whoever I am, I hate me. I want to be somebody else. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Obviously, I know the basic facts. I'm at university. But why? What if that doesn't work out? It's so complicated, I'm trying to change my degree at the moment, and if it doesn't work, I'm so screwed. And what am I going to do after it? And what am I doing NOW? There's more to life than university, but what is it?

What do I want out of my life? What do I want to do, right NOW? This summer? In the next few weeks? After exams? Tonight? I don't know what I want, I don't enjoy anything right now other than illegal drugs, and I don't have the motivation to do anything. I just don't want to do ANYTHING.

I hate myself. And I hold so many bitter feelings towards so many people around me. And I can't stand so many things now, because they make me angry, or miserable, or hateful, or something.

And yes, I took my pill today. I actually took two. I know you're not supposed to. But I felt I really needed to, after feeling so distraught and helpless and negative.

I haven't felt like this in a LONG time. Not this bad, not to this extent, not so strong and for such an extended amount of time, constantly.

I want to be beautiful, and free, and intelligent, and happy, and caring, and funny, and friendly, and confident, and wonderful. But that's not me, and I don't know when I lost who I was or who I'm meant to be.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    hiya Froggerella :cheerup:

    why not take it at the same time as your birth pill Froggerella ?? :roll: check with your doc, but im 99% certain that Citalopram DOESN'T affect the effectiveness of the birth pill :ok:

    i cant stress too much how important it is to take your meds religiously, preferably about the same time every day :mrgreen: not just to avoid withdrawl, but also for the meds to be fully effective :shock: :wink:

    i wont bang on but the illict substances aren't a good idea whilst you are so ill, trust me, they'll only complicate your illness and prolong your full recovery, been there, done that, etc etc :? :wink:

    quote :-

    \"There's more to life than university, but what is it?\"

    well for starters take time out, be selfish, look after 'number one' take it easy, slow down, DON'T make any life changing MAJOR decissions whilst you're so ill, again trust me, it's fatal to do so, if you do you may as well just 'flip a coin', AVOID stress, don't do things/go to places where you dont feel comfortable and when you are well on the way to recovery, you will know what you want from life, or at least be able to make an educated guess and proceed confidently and accordingly :wink: :mrgreen:

    eazy peazy eh Froggerella ?? lol :shock: :wink:

    take care and let us know how you get on Froggerella :mrgreen:

    cheers,

    Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :cheers: :rainbow: :rose:

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  • Posted

    I do take my pill at the same time as my birth control - but whenever I have the week break between birth control packets, I constantly forget to take my citalopram, which is what I did this week.

    Still trying to figure my head out.

    Thanks for replying x

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  • Posted

    hiya again Froggerella :mrgreen:

    oh right gotcha, well, reverse the procedure then, take your birth pill at the same time as the Citalopram, if the Citalopram strip doesn't have the days on use a felt tip to mark the day/date you started the strip :ok: :rainbow:

    put a slash / on the strip in RED to remind you when the birth pill's due, again, eazy peazy :wink: :mrgreen:

    cheers,

    Ken ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :mrgreen: :cheers: :rainbow:

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  • Posted

    To Froggerella

    I do understand what you are going through and it's a horrid evil time of it!!!

    I completely relate to forgetting the meds, I have to put an alarm on my mobile set to go off each day at the same time. It really does help.

    Try not to focus on how great the whole world is and how bad you think it is for you, that just aint a real evaluation of you, and If anyone did say how great you are you head will interpreted it differently!

    My hubby recorded my reaction and response whilst I was low. He played it back to me months later while I am well and I can't believe I just saw the negative back then. What I saw this time around was completely different and defiantly more positive outlook on his comments!

    It's not the world around us but the world around our mind that we see when we are low. xx

    Please take your meds regularly and you will see life clearer and be able to move forward.

    No one knows the path we need to take, what jobs we will be in where we will turn next. It's not healthy to get caught up in these questions because it will play tricks on your mind!

    If you feel you have no direction in your life maybe catch up will a local fun loving christian church meetings that are held called the Alpha courses will help. There is a lot of love and support and guidance there and it will truly change your life, why not give it a try.....it's a better out of mind experience than the artificial legal drugs we can take, believe me I know xxx

    Good luck xxx

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