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Because I take the contraceptive pill, I'm really bad at taking my citalopram during the week break... Which was this week. As a result, I haven't taken my citalopram since about Monday. And I can feel it now.
Last night, I was at my boyfriend's house and suddenly felt my mood change completely. After a while, I burst into tears, and couldn't stop crying. And I got angry, too. Irritable, and miserable, and crying, and it wasn't good. I'd been feeling so horrible and miserable leading up to that, too.
And this morning... I woke up feeling ok, but soon became very irritable and angry, and couldn't stop feeling all these negative feelings and thinking all these negative thoughts. I left my boyfriend's house in such a bad mood, I didn't even say goodbye properly, we argued as I was leaving, and I nearly kicked over his neighbour's bins which were taking up the entire pavement (inconsiderate idiots).
I can't stop feeling angry, or miserable. I can't stop not wanting to be me - I'm hating myself so much right now, I can't stand it. Everyone I know adores and goes on about how amazing various different people are in my life - my childhood friend, my boyfriend's cousins, etc... I'm surrounded by these people who are beautiful, and intelligent, and free, and loved so absolutely by everyone who knows them. I'm surrounded by people going on about how fantastic these people are, and naming all the reasons why they love them. I asked my boyfriend to name one reason why he loves me, and he couldn't come up with a proper reason. \"Because you're just amazing\" doesn't count - it doesn't describe me at all, it doesn't say what kind of person I am, what traits about me he loves, what my strengths are.
So I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is that, whoever I am, I hate me. I want to be somebody else. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Obviously, I know the basic facts. I'm at university. But why? What if that doesn't work out? It's so complicated, I'm trying to change my degree at the moment, and if it doesn't work, I'm so screwed. And what am I going to do after it? And what am I doing NOW? There's more to life than university, but what is it?
What do I want out of my life? What do I want to do, right NOW? This summer? In the next few weeks? After exams? Tonight? I don't know what I want, I don't enjoy anything right now other than illegal drugs, and I don't have the motivation to do anything. I just don't want to do ANYTHING.
I hate myself. And I hold so many bitter feelings towards so many people around me. And I can't stand so many things now, because they make me angry, or miserable, or hateful, or something.
And yes, I took my pill today. I actually took two. I know you're not supposed to. But I felt I really needed to, after feeling so distraught and helpless and negative.
I haven't felt like this in a LONG time. Not this bad, not to this extent, not so strong and for such an extended amount of time, constantly.
I want to be beautiful, and free, and intelligent, and happy, and caring, and funny, and friendly, and confident, and wonderful. But that's not me, and I don't know when I lost who I was or who I'm meant to be.
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