Battle against suicidal thoughts.

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hello I do not know why I am trying this, I think it is because I have tried so many other paths. I am twenty wight years old and have felt the urge to end my life since I was ten. When I was younger I blamed myself for my family falling apart, thinking I could not keep them together. To this day I am afraid to own a pet because every time one passed I would tell myself it died because I could not love it enough. I honestly hate myself and do not know why, I do not think I am a bad person but I do not think I should be alive. I have tried all the steps, therapy both group and private as well as medication. I have a support network of good people, but it is getting hard to reach out. Part of me is so angry towards them, blaming them for keeping me here, for telling me to hold on when I keep saying I don't know how. I am tired of lashing out at them and trying to drive them away. I don't know if advice from strangers can help, but I want to try. Sorry if this sounds tired and silly but it causes such an ache in my chest everyday like a gaping hole. Thanks for listening.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    I’m sorry that you feel this way about yourself.

    You cannot control death. It happens. When it is a pet, we tend to blame ourselves. I’ve been there and it was so saddening and emotionally painful. I too blamed myself. But, unfortunately, pets do die.

    As far as your family goes. There was no way at all that you could have prevented that from happening. They have their own minds and they made their choices and decisions.

    Are you able to move forward? The meds did not help you? Were you on them long enough?

    With thoughts of ending your life, you must seek professional help.

    You are worth it! You are loved! And you are needed in this world.

    Please find another professional ASAP !

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the reply, I do keep in touch with my doctor and keep him apprised of my mental health. I was on the medicating from the ages of fifteen till twenty two, I just found that it was not helping. You are right though I tell myself it is not my fault. I just keep trying anything I can think of to help.
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    • Posted

      Talking always held. Get it off of your chest. Get it all out in the open. This is a safe place for you to talk.

      We do not judge. We listen and try to guide you in the right direction.

      But... if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you need professional help. Someone who knows what to do to make you feel better about yourself. They will help you to be strong.

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  • Posted

    Hi Zero - maybe the anger toward those who are trying to help stems from the fact that nothing seems to be working. It is indeed tiring to keep chasing the same shadows and never quite catching them. I was wondering whether the medicating of you by the system between the ages of 15-22 might have exacerbated the issues you face today. Docs and the system are only too quick to throw meds at patient problems, numbing it instead of dealing with it. I know you have informed us that you have tried so many paths, but have you been counselled for the grief of the family falling apart? Children do tend to blame themselves for things like that when in fact they are  the innocent, collateral damage of adult decisions/situations. Another thought was regression therapy, where you are taken back to situations in a controlled environment, guided by a professional, and can view the event(s) through more mature eyes, and can reassess what actually happened. You state that you are tired of lashing out at those who are trying to help and trying to drive them away. Before you react take a moment to breathe and think about how you can change that reaction, realise that it hasn't worked or helped your situation and that it is time to try something new. The result will change as your reaction changes. Whatever you decide, remember you are not alone and we are always here to talk.   

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    • Posted

      Thank you Wayne for the thought out message. Honestly I do not know what kind if damage being medicated at a young age cause. Even before the medication for depression I was medicated for ADHD, so I do not know where that has left my brain chemistry. I have not tried regression or hypnosis therapy, unfortunate for me my insurance does not cover that kind of therapy. I try to stop lashing out, but it does not help my growing resentment. You have given me a lot to process.
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  • Posted

    Hey just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your kind words and support. I am still trying the advice provided and to strong and stay on top of my suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately I still have yet to find any improvement in my mood, but I keep trying to remind myself that I am worth it and deserve to be loved. I am still having a hard time with blaming myself for everything. So I will keep checking in and staying in touch, and I promise to seek help if I start to slip. Once again thanks for the advice and hope I can do this.

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