Both depressed after a 13 year relationship ends?

Posted , 3 users are following.

I've never been on a forum before and not even sure if it has anything to do with depression, but I could do with some advice. I was in a same sex relationship for close to 13 years. I'm American but moved to England to be with her. Everything was fine until my girlfriend's dad died 5 years ago. She quickly changed and treated me badly. I know it's understandable & I by no means blame her but it tore us apart. She became secretive, started lying, partying and treating me more like her maid than a lover. She now devotes every waking moment to social media even taking her phone to the bathroom with her and talking to everyone but me on these apps while we were on hol, at concerts etc. She says she does it because she's bored but how could she be bored on hol etc? She's obviously addicted and I honestly believe she uses social media as a way of coping to keep her occupied because she never mourned her dad. In fact, the only time she speaks of him is through social media. I've always had low self esteem and jealously issues. The situation made me worse and I became convinced she was cheating because in my mind why else would she spend so much time on these apps especially when she stopped showing me attention. She swears she never cheated but our love life became non existent and we both stopped trying. I started to feel down and not myself so she suggested I go home in US for a 'break' so she could see how much I mean to her but assured me I'd be back. After 1 day, she shocked me by ending it saying she no longer loves me and completely ignored me. I told her I'm in love with her and would do anything to get her back but she acts like she couldn't care less and even told me she no longer wants to speak to me. The person I fell for would've fought for us and never let me go. I can't believe that a person could change that drastically without something being seriously wrong with them so I'm positive she's suffering from depression. While looking up the symptoms, I'm now sure that I have it too. It's been 2 months and I'm getting worse rather than better. I no longer enjoy anything, can't sleep, don't eat much and have had serious thoughts of suicide. I really don't know what to do and appreciate any help given. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear need help, I am so very sorry to hear of your unhappiness

    .it is awful to feel like you have a broken heart.......please please see. Your doctor as soon as possible..if you feel suicidal then you must go to straight to your hospital emergency department....you can also call and talk to SAMARITANS any time day or NIGHT

    You must get help now for your own sake, health and peace of mind........ talking honestly can help to heal you. So maybe ask if there is a possibility that you could have counselling.

    I truly wish you well xx take care of yourself xx warmest regards... DEIRDRE xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your kind words. I have no friends because of moving countries but coming on here has really helped. I've got a great family and could never put them through the darkness I'm suffering so even though I feel the worst I've ever felt suicide isn't an option. It's just a horrendous thought that'll go away with time. I just need someone to talk to and strangers are always the easiest...Warmest regards to you too 
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  • Posted

    hi there im sorry to hear whats happened to you i cant. imagine.what its like to be so far from your home country ! did your partner ever get councilling after she lost her dad if not i dont know.if it would be worth arranging for.her to get some.if she would agree to it ! please dont even think about suicide as it wont.solve anything yes you wont. be hurting.anymore.but.im sure.you have friends and relatives who would miss.you what about.the big void you would leave in there lives ! have you yourself been to a doctor.as i willing to bet you are depressed.your self and you may benifit for some counselling ! why not.try and face your insecurity issues and with help maybe through.a mutual friend maybe you can get together and go to the start and get to know how you both feel and maybe.things will get better. but be ready incase this doesnt.work ! i wish you
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    • Posted

      Thanks for taking the time to listen. I've told her on numerous occasions to get help, but she only agreed after she ended it with me & she still hasn't been. I even suggested we both get counseling, but she wouldn't. She won't talk to me, sent me to another country with nothing but a suitcase & doesn't seem one bit interested even after I begged to work it out. Plus it's been close to two months & absence obviously hasn't made her heart grow fonder so I doubt I'll even see her again. I haven't been to a doctor either. I'm just hoping I'll heal with time...
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  • Posted

    Oh you poor thing! What an awful way for a relationship to end. I agree with Dierdre, please see your doctor. It may well be that your girlfriend is depressed too, but there is nothing you can do about that if she is refusing to talk to you. It may also be that she has simply fallen out of love with you. People change and so do their relationships with others. It is best that you do not try to explain away this break up by making excuses for your girlfriend, as it will only prolong the agony. I am so sorry.
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    • Posted

      Your very right. I've been constantly making excuses for her convincing myself that she's depressed so can't help it or that is was my fault. I've always put her on a pedestal and put her needs before my own. She even said I'm too good for her and do everything for her, but I can't ever agree that people just fall out of love for no reason. There has to be factors that influence it. After 13 years together, of course theres issues but I truly believe that anything can be worked out if you both put in the effort. Our biggest problem was she stopped trying so I eventually did.

      I spoke to her mother yesterday for the 1st time since I left and she agrees with me fully that her daughters changed and she even said I deserve better, but the biggest blow was she subtly hinted that she has a boyfriend...Just when you think things can't get any worse. I've asked so many times if she had someone else and always had my suspicions because why else would you be on your phone 24/7, but she convinced me I was paranoid and jealous.

      Our relationship was always one sided, she sent me away with nothing but a suitcase making me believe I was coming back so I didn't even get to say goodbye to anyone, potentially has a guy, destroyed my life forcing me start all over from scratch and what gets me the most is I'd have her back in a heartbeat. I'm so in love with her and utterly distraught that I can't even get mad...

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    • Posted

      From what you have said I really do not think she's depressed. Not in the slightest. I think she's embarking on an exciting new phase in her life. It may JUST be a phase and she may tire of it and come running back to you, but then it might not. My honest advice to you is to get on a dating website and get yourself a new girlfriend. There are sites set up for same sex relationships. It will be hard at first and you will meet a few girls that you just don't click with, but I really think this is the way forward for you. You are depressed because you have good reason to be and so it is unlikely that you need real therapy. It is real life making you this way. I really hope you are able to find some happiness.
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    • Posted

      You've been a big help and are saying exactly what my family are that she's going through a wild phase. Her dad's death changed her which made her go out more and see what she thinks is the perfect life of partying and social media. She sees me as a barrier to a new invigorating life and I've been to blind by love to see it. She's been hanging out with young single girls and couldn't go a whole day without her phone strapped to her face. It's terrible when you think someone who you adore could choose a phone over a 13 year relationship.

      As for finding someone else, I'm not one bit interested. I've only ever wanted her. I know people say with time I will but I know I won't. She hasn't once asked me how I am and my birthday is in a few days so if she don't acknowledge it in any way then that will be the final straw in showing me she doesn't care in the slightest. It'll push me to the edge but it'll force me to delete all contact. Even though I know I deserve better, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that she'll come to her senses, see what she's lost and fight for me but I guess I watch too much movies..

      Life is extra hard when you're forced to move to another country with no friends, you've lost the love of your life to a dude, got nothing much but a suitcase and horrible feelings of despair but I'll have to grin and bare it

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    • Posted

      But what is it that you love about her? She is not a kind person to be able to put you through this. I know it is easy for others to say when they are not involved, but you really need to ask yourself 'do you really want to spend your life with someone who can be so cruel to you?' Could you ever trust her not to hurt you again?
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    • Posted

      Good questions. It really made me think.. I love the person she was and the person I know she still is deep down. Nobody can change that much without some big issue or reason. The only thing that makes sense is her mom's hinting must be right that she found a man. It would explain why there was no romance in the end and why she wanted me as far away as possible. I convinced myself it was depression because it made me feel better than saying she has someone else, but I'll never know for sure which bothers me more than knowing for definite.

      We were supposed to be on my birthday holiday from today. She knows how I feel and she's had every chance to come here, but of course she hasn't so I'm positive I'll never see her again. This has forced me to re-evaluate myself and realise that my jealousy/trust issues stem from low self esteem. I can fix that. In fact the jealousy issues are completely meaningless to me now. 

      In my perfect world if she'd come here as the person she once was and prove that she loves me then I'd be with her no matter what. As much as it pains me to say this, I don't want anything to do with whoever she is now. It's funny how she's the 'bad one' and has come out trumps in the situation, not caring and having a great time while I couldn't be more unhappy but you know what? Someday I will and you know what they say about karma.

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    • Posted

      Good for you. You are obviously a loving, caring person. Your ex is not, certainly not right now. Lovng, caring people attract others and you will find someone when you are ready who deserves you. Your ex on the other hand will end up lonely if she continues to treat others as she has you.
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    • Posted

      You are so kind and have helped me more than you know. Thank you so much for your support. Your replies have brightened my darkest days and really made me focus on the truth. I now realise that the most honest thing she ever told me is I'm too good for her. I'll never know rather she has a man, is severely depressed or just plain evil but no matter what the reason she had no right to treat me this way especially after 13yrs of claiming to love me. She's a selfish liar and took the cowards way out of pushing me to the end of the world to ensure she'd never have to see or hear from me again because that'd make her feel guilty. 

      I am still deeply in love with the woman she was and I always will be, but at the moment or even forever she's gone and I now understand that there's nothing I can do about that. She has to do it for herself. I can't sleep and I'm far from myself but my personal issues of jealousy etc have gotten better. I've realised life is to short and you never know when the last time you see someone is so why worry over petty things like jealousy. I can't even describe how devastated I am and now angry that she can't see what she's done but life has to go on for me...

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  • Posted

    You are nursing a broken heart. You feel bruised and empty. Have been there last year when a close friend cut me off. It's better to walk away and get yourself together, build yourself up and really force yourself to meet others and find friends. It is catastrophic feeling but please believe me when I say, it's going to pass. You have to keep it together and walk on. She has treated you so extremely badly. I feel so angry myself reading how she has treated you. If you suffer low self esteem/jealousy probs, seek help - counselling would help, but that can be a long road and expensive. The Samaritans are good if desperate. You will survive this.
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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply. It's great to hear from supportive people. She was the only person I've ever been jealous with, but looking back it's clear why. She was so secretive, shielded her phone constantly and didn't include me fully in her life. I wasn't even allowed near her friends in all the 13 years so I'm positive she was up to no good and secretly embarrassed of our same sex relationship. A woman's intuition is almost always right. It just annoys me massively that this hasn't affected her in the slightest. One of the only times she talked to me was to say 'don't give me a pity party.' Such nice words from someone who has everything even apparently a boyfriend.

      This has affected every aspect of my life. I can't even get out and meet people like everyone's telling me because she also made that hard by making me believe I was coming back to England so I left my important documents behind like SS #-birth certificate then she 'lost' everything for close to 2 weeks which held me back and now 1 of my documents was wrong so I'm going through the process of changing it which means I still can't get my license. It's a giant mess. Even my family can't believe my luck. Everytime I take a step forward, there's a giant leap back.

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  • Posted

    Dear needhelp,

    You sound a very good hearted and empathetic, understanding person.... you will find the true love you deserve, I am sure of that....until that happens, be kind to yourself, pamper and treat yourself, even if is only to something simple like a lipstick...eat well, relax and try to sleep well, you......... WILL COME THROUGH THIS xx

    I know it will be hard, but try not to carry hatred In your heart, don't talk badly of her, it will make you the better person....you will find a true love that appreciates you for your loyalty, kindness, CARING and truly nice person that you are.... tomorrow is the start of a whole new life.....I truly wish you all that you wish and hope for..Take care, regards to you. DEIRDRE xxx

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    • Posted

      Aww that was so sweet of you and I know you're right, but I just can't see any good at the moment. I don't want anyone, not even her anymore (well not the person she is now). I just want good friends and to get better. I could never hate her or anyone. I've been so busy sticking up for her that I haven't said a negative word about her and I won't. 

      Very true- tomorrow is the start of a whole new life. I'll try my best to embrace that...

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