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Bouts of intrusive thoughts

Posted , 17 users are following.

tom294
tom294

Hey everyone, 

20 year old male here - I've been stuggling with anxiety and panic attacks for about 5 months now and lately it has taken a really bad turn. For the past month, I've been getting a lot of 'brain fog' which has been making it harder for me to recover. I'd basically feel a little detatched from reality, like I'm in this dream-like state.

A couple of weeks ago, (for the first time) I got prescribed sertraline (zoloft) 50mg. I got awful side effects from this, including heightened anxiety and I had some suicidal thoughts as well. I stopped taking them after 6 days as instructed by my doctor because I was having a really bad reaction to them. I lost a stone and a half in a week! (I became underweight, so it's a bad thing haha)

I stopped taking them a week ago today so it's all out of my system. I'm no longer getting side effects and I feel like I can actually function again. However, I'm kind of back to how I was before the medication. I feel very tired and distant and I feel like I just can't think or anything. It's weird. I think it's called dissociation or something. 

Basically I'm having these episodes of intense anxiety again (that I've only experienced while on the meds) where I get these intrusive thoughts about killing myself, even though I never would. I think life is worth living, I'm not depressed but I just get these bouts of emotional distress that make me feel like one day I will resolve to suicide. It's really hard to explain. I'm trying to say I'm not suicidal, I just have an overwhelming fear of becoming suicidal, because lately I feel like I'm stepping in that territory if that makes sense. 

Whenever I bring this up to someone they say 'I need to seek urgent help', which worries me more! I will NOT attempt suicide! If I felt like I would, I would call the hospital have them take care of me. I'll even call a lifeline, I just wouldn't attempt suicide. I just feel like I'm going a bit crazy lately, I feel like I might be driven to suicide, and that is what is freaking me out. Sorry, but this is so hard to explain! haha

Take care,

Tom

1 like, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • tracie20455
    tracie20455 tom294

    Posted

    I think alot of us here have had those intrusive and morbid thoughts, don't dwell on them...the time to start going to hospital is when you know you are serious and start planning it carefully.... You yourself have said you are not there yet. You are very young to be put on anti depressants and i think that is where alot of the problems come from doctors over prescribing them to very young people who are still trying to understand the world we live in and cope with life. Therapy would be alot more helpful, you need support, not pills! That said, pills help alot of people, myself included but many people find they are not without their problems
    • tom294
      tom294 tracie20455

      Posted

      I've been getting CBT for the past 4 months and it has helped, it just feels like the anxiety is more powerful now. Yeah my doctor said that because I had such a bad reaction to sertraline (the most basic AD) there is a chance i'd get that reaction on all the other SSRIs. But yeah, these suicidal thoughts aren't really suicidal thoughts, they are more like obsessions of suicide and an extreme fear of being driven to do it. Thanks for the reply Tracie! 
  • a18842
    a18842 tom294

    Posted

    Hi...I myself have not tried meds (yet) I'm trying to deal with each symptom as they present....I think it's a sign that u can recognise that ur sub conscious mind is the one that's giving u the morbit thoughts and u are thinking with ur "real" mind which is good...have u tried mindfulness classes as they will teach u how to switch ur thoughts away from ur sub conscious and live in the moment along with other distraction techniques...I have tried them and still find it a working progress but they do help
    • tom294
      tom294 a18842

      Posted

      Thanks for the reply! Yeah I 100% know what you mean. I think that is my issue at the moment, I have uncontrollable thoughts that make me feel insane and I just need to keep distracting myself until this phase passes. 
  • Jbell
    Jbell tom294

    Posted

    Hi tom, I must admit I know exactly how you are feeling right now- it's like you've literally just read my mind and typed it!! I keep getting the suidical thoughts but know I wouldn't do it either because I have so much to live for but it frightens me that I could even think it and that makes me worse and I panic, I just need to keep myself busy with other things! I'm in myself today and that worried me, what if! Horrible horrible. Wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone!! The worry is even affecting my sleep, can't eat either but I'm trying!! I'm not on any meds but have a docs appointment tomorrow and think I personally might need something as it's been 6 years now but I think aswell as much as I enjoy this forum very much and it helps at times, I ready everyone else's problems and then that night i could feel the same xx
    • tracie20455
      tracie20455 Jbell

      Posted

      I find that aswell jintybell... Sometimes i come here and read the messages and reply and it doesn't do anything.... Other times i have to have a few days break because i can feel it starting to affect me!
    • Jbell
      Jbell tracie20455

      Posted

      Yeh it definatley does, people talk on here about the feeling of there throat closing up, or choking feeling, sore head etc and I can then go to bed that night and feel the exact same way!! But because I have this set up to my emails I'm far 2 nosey not 2 look everynight xx
    • tom294
      tom294 Jbell

      Posted

      I was actually reading up a lot on this last night. I think the reason why we are so afraid of these suicidal notions is because they are taken very seriously. Like whenever you bring it up to someone they will freak out just as much as you are, and you're urged to call the hospital or call a lifeline. I think our problem is that because suicide is such an intense subject, we get really anxious and obsessive over it whenever we feel like we're heading in that direction, when we aren't. Look up 'suicidal obsessions'. They are not classified as 'suicidal thoughts', they are more like intrusive thoughts about suicide itself. We're not suicidal, we're just really afraid of being suicidal smile
  • Leopard999
    Leopard999 tom294

    Posted

    Hello Tom,

    I've been going through the exact thing as you described. Derealisation and depersonalisatin. It's really tough, you don't feel real or your surrounding don't feel real and makes me feel constantly horribly anxious and I question myself so much. Living the dream in not the good way!

    I'm not on any meds as I had really bad reaction to citolopram after taking just 1 tablet, and my GP took me straight off of them. I don't feel depressed either and suffer from weird racing and intrusive thoughts, and random images. I've only just started cbt, which I'm so positive about already smile. Keep occupied, stay strong. We're all in this together. X

    • tom294
      tom294 Leopard999

      Posted

      Yeah dissociation/depersonalisation is usually associated with depression, but it's extremely common with anxiety! The way I see it it's just my brain being worn out from excessive worrying. I remember getting it around October time last year but it passed somehow, so I think I just need to let it do whatever it wants atm. I'm getting CBT! It's great, but I think I went bad because my sessions are really far apart, like 1 every 5 weeks.

      Yeah I had an awful reaction to sertraline from the first day i started taking it. I got all the classical side effects, which I could live with tbh - even though they made me immobile. But I also had really bad mind, like I got these weird panic attacks that didn't manifest physically, only emotionally. I think the depression/brain fog faded but the cost was too much. I feel like I'd rather be like this than be like how I was on those meds. 

      thanks for the reply smile X

  • stephx
    stephx tom294

    Posted

    I'm the same I keep having these thought I told my doctor and said I would not do it I just get a relief feeling thinking about it but then it causes anxiety cause I'm worried if I did do it although I know I won't I have loads of thoughts and that what I'm stuck with now it's the constant horrible thoughts that won't go away if you really know you won't do it don't worry its only a though 😏 x
    • tom294
      tom294 stephx

      Posted

      this is exactly how I feel! I told my doctor about it and he thought I was suicidal because I found it hard to explain, but I'm not! I just have a massive fear of being driven to suicide, and sometimes I feel like this sense of hopelessness that triggers these anxious thoughts about suicide. And I need to just not acknowledge them. Look up 'suicidal obsessions'! They are not suicidal thoughts, but they are intrusive thoughts ABOUT suicide that causes distress. 
    • Frogman
      Frogman tom294

      Posted

      They are all in your subconscience. Mind .. Negative and positive thought .. Amazing how a thought can

      Completely destroy your life ...

  • feb
    feb tom294

    Posted

    Have you heard of OCD, these are thoughts that come into your head which you don't want. I have a friend who suffers from OCD and she is always complaining she gets unwanted thoughts. I told her to push these thoughts out of her mind, and don't think about them, just ignore these negative thoughts. The more you ponder over these thoughts the worse it gets. Distract yourself from these negative thoughts, don't let it get better of you.
    • tom294
      tom294 feb

      Posted

      actually yeah! I read up on 'suicidal obsessions' last night and it hit the nail on the head. It's basically an intrusive, uncontrollable thought that is a fear of becoming suicidal. OCD needs to be obsessive and complusive. It's obsessive, but for me it's not complusive. Like I have no complusion to do anything about it, the thought just sort of manifests. 
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