Boyfriend with depression

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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and he always warned me that his depression can strike at any time and that he’ll be distant and will shut himself off, he said this has ruined his romantic relationships in the past. I always told him that i’d be there for him and he can be distant if he ever needs to be.

A few days ago we had a fight over him being back in contact with his ex, before this everything was perfect, yet after the fight he needs time and doesn’t know if our relationship will work out. At first he said that the problem is that we don’t communicate, but that quickly turned into his depression flaring up and he needs time.

He won’t talk to me on the phone or through text and he won’t see me. I can’t tell if he wants to break up and is putting it off and that’s why he’a ignoring me, or if he genuinely needs time and wants to be with me.

The past few days not hearing from him have been absolute torture, I can’t sleep and I can’t eat. I spend my hours in work crying in the bathroom and I’ve become obsessive about checking if he’s online and worrying about who he’s talking to and why he can’t talk to me.

I know we’ve only been together a hand ful of months but I love him so much and I just want everything to be ok again, I feel like I’ve done something awful and he’s making me suffer. Someone please help 🙁

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  • Posted

    Hi Nicole

    Well this is a tough one because there's a few factors that to me set alarm bells ringing

    I suffer from depression myself and right wrong or different I admit I've used other ppl as a crutch to help me through ( I know that sounds terrible and it is but humans work selfishly self preservation is natural) the fact I'm depressioned is not something I'd share with someone within the first year it's not to hard to hide it

    So I find that to be worrying that he's shared this with you so soon only because do you know what a sociopath is if not I'd like you to read up on it carefully and take notice of what your reading of things start to make a little more sense you need to get out of there simple as that trust been been therethere and this terrible condition is what I'm left with so be smart.

    I'm not at all suggesting this is the case in your case but I would say be open minded people are exs for a reason if he has put that to bed she may well be able to manipulate him I am telling you this because although you are here looking for help for him my concern is you for anyone to help your boyfriend he must first help himself and be on the site or getting theropy or help.

    Typically I believe people with depression myself included do sh*t them selves away that's write but more from the people that don't know them very well on the inside you know he has depression he's told you this therefore I don't think it's likely that he wouldn't be able to show you what he's like with it either your only 5 months in and he already confessed it to you so my guess would be if he felt that much he'd of been in contact

    Take this site as the perfect example the people on here know I have depression and so although I have no one in my life to grab and say this is the real me this is how I feel I'm broken I can do this here on this site because these people already know I'm broken do you understand what I'm saying you know he's broken so why is it you can't be there for him is the question you need to be asking and please read about sociopaths I would not wish this condition on you so approach it with an open mind

    If you need anything we are always here for anyone that needs us take care stay in touch mike

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  • Posted

    Nicole,

     

    I am sorry to hear that you are in so much distress over this, but it sounds like this relationship is not very healthy for you. I am in  a relationship with someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, and I also struggle with mental illness, so I can relate to what you are going through. 

    In my experience, if my partner and I are having a problem, we try to allocate some time where we can talk through it face to face, and that usually helps. If you are unsure what the sourse of th tension is, then I would suggest you try writing it out first so you have a plan, this will help keep the conversation form devolving. If he sees that you are making an effort towards the relationship and going about it in a mature way then he will be more likely to engage with you on the level that you need to maintain proper communication. 

    That being said, from your description of the events it sounds like he is being manipulative in this situation. I will be the first to admit that lapses in contact happen in relationships where one or both parties live with mental illness, but there are ways to go about it that are considerate to your partner. If you end up having a conversation with him, try to be clear and concise, and back up your statements with reasonong. for example, "It really hurts me when you break off all communication with me because ...(fill in reason here)" If he is invested in the relationship he will listen and try to understand, and in an ideal scenerio he will open up to you, so you have a better understanding of his situation. The goal is to create a safe environment for open communication void of fear of judgement or retaliation. In the end, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to allow them to understand you. I hope that the situation becomes clear to you. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Nicole, 

    I can relate to your boyfriend because that is/has just happened to me so I hope what I say helps. 

    I was with my boyfriend for two and a half years. He was my first serious relationship (I'm only 24 right now) and god, I loved him more than anyone in the world. We planned to get engaged soon and to get a dog.

    I had periods where I felt distant, but they would come and go and were never serious. After being on medicine for a while, all of a sudden I just felt numb to him. After a month or so, he could tell. We talked about it and for the past month I've been living at my friend's house because I just neede some space. Being around him and watching how much I was hurting him only made my condition worse and I just wanted to end things so he could be happy. He is the sweetest person in the world and he deserves better. 

    I'm not sure if I convinced myself that I truly don't love him anymore or if it's just my depression, but I have been intersted in other guys. So him talking to his ex might just be his way of soul searching, wheter it's right or not. Don't worry too much, because when I think about being with guys I'm interested in long term though, it doesn't excite me like it normally would. I truly feel like I might be making a mistake, but I can't figure that out while I'm still with him. I have to learn the hard way because that seems to be the way my brain is wired. 

    As far as advice, I'm sorry I don't have anything substantial to say. Depression has an awful way of screwing with our brains... and it hurts a lot of people that we care about. You are doing everything I could have asked my boyfriend to do. I think, at least in my case, a person with depression needs time to figure things out on their own with these matters because trying to be convinced or smothered doesn't seem to work well and can only make things worse. 

    I hope you find eachother again - if it's meant to be, it will be. Best of luck <3

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