Breaking point

Posted , 8 users are following.

Hi,

I suppose I'm just writing this to get it off my chest because I don't really think anything can help me.

I'm so tired of this life, tired of being unhappy, tired of being stressed out and tired of being tired.

I've stayed at home since Thursday evening and I didn't leave my flat until today because I ran out of food. I'm so low I cant work so all my bills are piling up. I've been in bed since Thursday and I have no energy. Lately I have this reoccurring thought ' you could slit your wrists and no one would know. And by the time anyone figured it out it will be too late.'

I've been spending time thinking of ways to end my life without it being too painful. I've tried to overdose twice before but then I don't know it feels so final and then I end up getting someone to take me to the hospital. I just can't face living another week or month like this. I've been through so many bad things and they keep coming. It just plays in my head on repeat and I think about all the bad things. I have no joy and no hope.

I ask God to take me almost every night before I go to sleep because I don't want to live another day. I cross the street hoping a car would hit me. Medication can't fix my situation so I don't bother taking them. Life is just too hard and I'm tired of fighting.

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  • Posted

    Hi, dear jammydodger, please get help as soon as possible.. call the SAMARITANS now and talk to somebody...today please, please, please see your GP, and explain honestly!! Just how low and dreadful you are feeling..you desperately need ( and deserve ) Help today, straight away..

    Do not leave this, it is vitally important that someone is aware of and understands just how unhappy you are..

    There are many new medications that can help dramatically, also as a last resort a stay in a clinic to remove all the pressure of you..

    I was sectioned four times, it completely turned my life around...and gave me my life back....I have been on antidepressants for about ten years and have found them a massive, massive help..

    I know just how hopeless life can seem and out of control, but it can and will change for the better...

    Act -NOW, PLEASE xx you will be in my thoughts I promise you..all the best wishes in the world, and Great Big warm hugs to you...Deirdre xx

    Please keep in touch..xxx

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  • Posted

    Deirdre is so right about what you must do. Follow her advice.Let us know how you go best wishes
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  • Posted

    Hello, you definately need help to get through this. Call Mental Health Services in your area and tell them honestly how you are feeling or simply repeat what you have written on this forum. You are in crisis so ask for The Crisis Mental Health Service or ask your GP to refer you.

    Hospital Accident and Emergency Services are a place where Crisis Mental Health can be found.

    Is there anyone who can help or go with you?

    Best wishes.

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  • Posted

    Hi, I empathise. Depression robs you of so much that ending your life is a very tempting option. At least it would stop the pain involved in being alive at the moment. I've been prone to severe depression since my first episode aged 20. I am now 45. I've been on lithium and citalopram sinceI was 28. I have mainly lived a satisfying and meaningful life, interrupted occasionally by a week or two of depression (if i was not taking the meds it would be 2-3 months of depression at a time). Unfortunately I have hit another horrible spell of late. No energy, just want to curl up in a ball, can't socialise, hate myself, see no meaning in things, feel disconnected, etc, etc, you know the score. I'm meant to be back at work tomo but I cant see it happening, my concentration is really poor. However, I have to stick in there, as I know it will lift. It always does. I'm not sure when but it will. I have to force myself to keep going with small jobs around the house and garden, non-threatening simple stuff you know. And get out for a walk every day. I could have killed myself when I was 20 (actually I did have a good go at it, but fortunately failed) and although I dont currently FEEL it, I know when I come out of this episode I will genuinely feel grateful that I am still alive and have lots to live for. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

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  • Posted

    Hllo there, and I am so sorry you are very low at the moment.  I am glad you can write to us and tell us how you feel.  I have been where you are many, many times, and everyone here knows exactly how you feel as we all have depression.  It is truly a horrible illness to live with.  Yes life is so hard.

    I have battled for 30 years with depression.  I say fight, fight, don't let the depression win.  I have lost everything because of depression, but I battle on as best I can.

    I have found the strength to fight, even though I am now a little old lady.  Not strong, but not wanting life to end, however bad I feel.  Yes I have taken an overdose, and I have been in a psychiatric hospital.  Been on lots of different anti depressants. 

    I do know how you feel, honestly. 

    What treatment are you getting?  Have you support?

    I know at the moment there is no hope, but it will pass.  Try very hard to ride through this bad patch.  Keep writing to us here.

    Bless you, and I really care about you.

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  • Posted

    I'm not on any medication at the moment and I'm not getting any support. I come from a background where everyone thinks I should snap out of it. The one time people I knew found out I wasn't well it's something to chat about or spread rumours about me. I wish I had somewhere to go where to go in private where I could try and get better. But the only I have to go would be to someone who would go and tell the world and his mother that doing well for people to laugh and talk about me.

    I've decided just to end it all. I'm in too much pain , I haven't been out of bed today. I haven't even had a wash in two days. There's no hope for me

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  • Posted

    Jammy, There is obviously a part of you that wants to live, otherwise you would not be on this forum. Try to stick in there. I am trying too. The old cliche "it is darkest bfore the dawn" can be true, in my experience. If you choose to end it then you will never give yourself the chance to see the dawn. We all get better from depression, it takes persistence and shedloads of patience, but it is true. You got better 5 years ago. I also feel awful this afternoon. I am numb and I've been crying alot, but I have also made sure I had a shower this morning, and I've done some basic jobs and actvities not requiring much concentration eg unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen, beat the rug outside(that felt therapeutic, I really beat the crap out of it!), did some simple gardening, took my daughter to the park.........i also think you should phone for help, but is there anything simple you can do in the meantime to fight your illness ?
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  • Posted

    You are amongst friends here who understand because we have suffered depression. Its a terrible illness and many people out there just don't understand how bad and dangerous it can be, anyone can be brought down by this, no-one is above it But it can be treated, you can be well again. 

    The bad thoughts you have are a symptom of this illness, I've had them too.

    Keep talking my friend, good advice and support here.

     

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  • Posted

    Dear jammydogger, please, please you must ask for help now....

    Depression is like living in a deep dark hole, horrendous !!!

    I went for weeks and at times months !! WITHOUT washing or changing my clothes...WHICH was night wear, not day clothing, that took too much effort....I never, ever thought that I would feel normal or happy again..but I do!!!!! And you can also, please don't give up , like the other poster said. If it is overwhelming..then go straight to your casualty dept, they have a duty of care for you..

    Please have you no one that you could trust enough to accompany you ?.you would be greatly missed if you did anything extreme....you are in my thoughts, huge hugs to you, Deirdre xx

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  • Posted

    Hello jammy dodger, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down.  I am going through my third bout in about 5yrs.  I think depression is about the loneliest place on the earth to be.  I have lots of friends and family but still feel lonely and isolated.  I too only go out when I have to.

    i Have a plan to help remind me what to do to get better.  I know that small steps will help us get better.  My plan Is as follow: 

    Contact my gp surgery or cpn if I need them

    get up every day

    have a shower or at least wash my face and brush teeth and hair

    eat breakfast, lunch and dinner - even if this is fruit,yogurt,cereal,toast, soup, ready meals.

    take medication - keep contact/visit gp until feeling better.

     Ask for counselling or CBT

    take a short walk each day.

    keep a journal to write down how you are feeling. Try to write at least one good or positive thing that has happened to you each day.

    i know all these things seem so hard when you are low.  Getting in touch about your bills / getting in touch with citizens advice could help take pressure off you.  Advocacy service for your area could help you speak to people or speak on your behalf and make sure your voice is heard when you are vulnerable.

    Please know that you will get better, please keep in touch, please take good care of yourself x

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  • Posted

    Hi Jammy, i hope you are still persevering. There has been some really good advice on here from people who have come through it and survived....... you are definitely not alone. ( I have just arranged an appt to see my gp. I may not feel like there is hope, but i have to at least act like there is. I went round to my gp surgery for 0800 because it is near impossible to get an appt over the phone. I wouldn't have predicted it, but i started crying when i talked to the receptionist. I could hardly tell her my date of birth in a voice she could understand. This illness is sh*t. But I'm thinking, what the hell, its hard enough to fight the illness on its own, i've got to also fight the stigma, so I am admitting I'm struggling to close family and friends. No point in keeping it hush hush anymore....... have you anyone at all you could try to connect with ?)
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  • Posted

    Hi everyone, thank you all so much. I'm doing better I don't feel like hurting myself anymore. I've been to the GP and I was in tears the whole time. It's so hard having a stigma attached to you and having people say all sorts and they have no idea how you feel. I've been put back on citalopram and I have a review in 3 wks to see how I'm doing.

    I am going attempt to go food shopping and I have to go to bank and I cannot believe how hard it is for just to do that. I'm desperate not to see anyone that knows me. But I'm going do the best I can until I feel a bit better. I don't hold out much hope for feeling better but anything is better than this.

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  • Posted

    Good effort jamdog :-) Sounds like the start of a process to get yourself well again. Totally empathise with wanting to avoid meeting people you know. Its like a strong aversion or allergy isnt it. Just do your best in the nightmare circumstances you are in, thats all you can do. I might go to a local self help support group tonight. Do you have anything local to you to tap into ?
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  • Posted

    Good work...... its great to hear that! 

     

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  • Posted

    Hey hope you're holding up. I too am going through a rough patch and went to my gp for help, was prescribed mirtazapine and seems to help a great deal. You are not alone and there is help out there, ironically im a qualified mental health nurse since 5 months ago. But I myself know I cant help other people if I can't help myself. Don't give up, I almost did 4 years ago, and thats what inspired me to goto uni and graduate. Needless to say I hate it when people ask me...so why mental health nursing!
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    • Posted

      Hi there,

      I am also going through a rough patch, super anxious and agitated. I work in substance misuse so come across this all the time which is what made me realise that I'm probably burnt out.

      I suppose I'm replying for reassurance. I have been given mirtazipine by my gp following a bad reaction to sertraline. I'm wondering how you found it, any side effects and whether it's helped? I am now questioning whether I can ever support people again.

      Sorry to hassle you, just feel that I need some reassurance from someone who has been there!

      Thanks

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    • Posted

      Hi donna, I had the same with sertraline and other ssri meds. They don't work for everyone. As for mirtazapine I've only been on it a week 15mg and seems to help a lot but it's no miracle pill, also can take upto 6 weeks for maximum effect maybe longer in some people. I only follow the medical model as a last resort so don't see it as a cure just a bit of help. The drowsyness is a bit overpowering it times and lacking motivation I had a bit but hoping this will go away as I get used to the drug. Hope this helps and good luck.
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