Breezman

Melbi, I can't believe you are so considerate to enquire about my problems when I know you are having a bad day. You are a beautiful caring person.

Yes, I spoke to my psychiatrist about my problems and his advice was that Citalopram is probably the anti-depressant with the least side-effects, and the least damaging as to potency of the side effects it does cause. This was not the advice I hoped to hear.

I will stop taking Citalopram one day, but for the next few months must persevere wiith it. I hope the impotency does not become permanent, but Bree is a loving caring partner and we enjoy each other despite this. I am so very fortunate to have found her after a 32 year marriage failed without me really understanding why. (The side effects were not evident then). I have not seen my youngest daughter, aged 10, for 12 months, nor have I spoken to her for 10 months, because her mother has prevented me from so doing. We are 650 klms apart, and when I go up there she has disappeared etc etc. So I am now locked in a custody battle and I believe my daughter will be better off with me, even though I have this cursed depression. I am very fortunate in that I have a managerial position which allows me to work just 2 hours per day minimum, at a consequent decrease in pay, of course.

Melbi, I know you are suffering today. Without wishing to drag out the violin here, I ask you to imagine how you would feel if your family was suddenly removed from your care, illegally, and transported effectively out of your reach. I have been unable to speak to my little girl last 2 birthdays, last Christmas, last Father's Day ... but I must be strong for her because I know she is bewildered, I know she thinks I have abandoned her, and I know that one day she will realise what a terrible thing her mother has done to her by preventing interaction with me. I do not hate her mother. I loved the girl I married, but that was not the girl I divorced. As for my daughter, my solicitor, the three mediators, the Court Registrar and the Court Psychologist have all told me I should win total custody of my daughter. My challenge is then to graciously allow her access to her mother despite that not being allowed by her to me.

The reasons for our seratonin imbalance are varied and deep. Thank you for caring Melbi, thank you so very much, especially since you are having an off day yourself. Take care. xx

Breezman my heart goes out to you. One of the reasons I am where I am today is because my eldest daughter got herself into an abusive relationship - he brain washed her into hating her own family and she left home. He would not allow her any contact with us, if she tried she got a beating from him.

It wasn't until she got pregnant and contacted her dad scared and miserable that we managed to get her away from him. She had to get another beating from him though (while pregnant). In the end she smneaked out early morning while he slept and came to me. We locked the doors and phoned the police.

Her dad along with the police went round to his place and retrieved all her belongings. We then had to endure months of his death threats, his stalking of her and his phone calls before the police finally cautioned him.

I only hope you have peace of mind that your daughter is safe with her mother.

I wish you all the luck in the world in gaining custody of your daughter.

16/17 years ago my two daughters were mere babies, social workers became involved when I was sectioned. After numerous reports and interviews with them they concluded that my babies were my only reason to keep going. I never heard from them again and my mum & dad cared for my 2 beautiful daughters until I was well enough again to care for them myself.

So don't for 1 minute think your depression will stop you gaining custody.

You are a very caring and loving guy. Keep fighting and look forward to the day you see your beatiful daughter.

Melbi x

Thank you for your post Melbi. It helps to know someone understands, and to realise that no matter how bad things get, they can always be worse. I have been awake for 38 hours straight, and struggled to get my scheduled work done today. The girls at work brought me coffee and asked if I'd like a gopher for Easter (A gopher out here is a 4 wheeled armchair for the elderly or mobility-impaired), but they care under the humour. I love working with these people. And they can see I'm trying, so I'm very lucky.

I am glad your daughter had the courage to leave that violent relationship. I do not understand domestic violence, but one of my daughters was also in that situation and I went and retrieved her belongings on my own. I do believe I would have hurt him badly if he had got physical, but all he did was taunt my daughter and I told him to lay it on thick because she would never go back to him and that's what I wanted. We do step into the line of fire for our kids.

Thank you for caring Melbi. I really wish I could think of something that would help you sleep, but I have yet to find anything other than alcohol and that makes me feel worse when I wake up. I have tried a lot of \"natural\" things over the years, but you must be careful because some are dangerous when mixed with anti-depressants. St John's Wort is one which can be very dangerous and which can be bought out here without a prescription. Our pharmacists are wonderful caring people and always willing to help. Thank you your post and for helping me get through my day. xx

Together we will fight those demons that lurk deep inside us.

Melbi x

Hi again Melbi, and everyone. I thought I had sleep coming but it's 11:00 pm here and I'm wide awake. Listening to Enya, have turned it up, tuyrned it down, have a big day tomorrow and feel like I could drive to Melbourne (900 k's) and back. Am tempted to have a few shotes of whiskey.

Just remembered a limerick:

There once wasa man from Nepal, who died in a spring, in the Fall,

'Twould have been a bad thing, if he'd died in the Springm,

But he didnet, he died in the fall.

Whiskey is not a bad thing in moderation. But I'm in New South Wales. As the man said, \"Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.\"

To sleep, perchance to dream. Am I ranting again?

The trouble with us insomniacs is we just need a good night's sleep! I'm sure there is a funny side to all this, but for the moment it eludes me. Well, chin up. Thankk you Melbi for your caring support. xx