Can anyone else relate to these? If so... what is wrong with me?

Posted , 4 users are following.

-I feel like I have to make eye contact with pretty much everyone on the street, otherwise I'll feel ill. I know how ridiculous this is! I also know how creepily this can come off, so I attempt to walk past people looking either at my phone, or dead straight at the ground. Each person I pass is hugely distressful for me.

-I seem to take irrational steps in my mind to end up with negative conclusions, for example: "I really need to go food shopping today, but that'd involve deciding between whether I want to use a basket or a trolley, I wouldn't want to make the wrong decision, I better not go today". I avoid almost everything like this, and these don't even really feel like they're "my" thoughts at all.

-I ask myself whether I'm sweating. I seem to do this at random intervals for no real reason, whatever the answer is makes me sweat, sweating makes me feel uncomfortable, feeling uncomfortable makes me feel even more uncomfortable- and the cycle begins. Before I know it, I'm lightheaded, shaking, in full panic mode and retching uncontrollably.

-I usually only have one meal a day, because I'm terrified I'll throw up if I eat too much. I always tell myself "well… just don't eat too much then!" But for some reason, I just don't listen.

-I twirl my hair to the point that it's knotted, this provides me with an immense amount of comfort, whilst also making my hair look a bit stupid. It takes all my energy and focus to not do this in public.

-I feel like I'm an incredibly spontaneous person, which makes this an odd one for me: I have to follow a solid and overly detailed plan that must be stuck to. I have 1000 questions whenever someone asks me if I want to do something, and I'll end up asking most of them a lot more than once. It annoys people, but they understand there's something up with me. It's them who suggested I write this list actually.

-If I ever feel full, I start to retch, because anything more than that would mean I'd be feeling too full. (I know it doesn't really make sense).

-I have to rewrite, reread and recount everything at least 4 times. If what I'm reading is an important document or a heavily loaded question, then I will convince myself that I don't understand it or have missed information out and need to read it 10 more times. I usually enter a state of panic at this point.

-I often convince myself that the way I experience the world is too painful, and that the best thing to do for me would be to remain inside where I'm a lot more comfortable.

-Like most people, I check I have everything before I leave the house. But I take it to some weird extreme, where I'm frantically patting myself down like I'm being searched, dripping with sweat! I rummage through my bag making sure I have everything at least 20 times before I leave the house. If I can't find something, then I run through the house upturning everything and checking the same place 1000 times. I can do this for hours. If I have actually lost what I'm looking for, the realisation of this fact will almost reduce me to tears and almost certainly bring on a panic attack.

-I have to be an hour early for everything.

-I attempt to bargain with myself in the strangest of ways about things that are totally out of my control. For instance, if I'm waiting for somebody to arrive somewhere, I'll say to myself "ok, if I press a button on my phone and the screen lights up after less than 1 second, then the person I'm waiting for will arrive in the next 5 minutes". It is not at all the kind of thing I'd ever think, yet there it is in my head, it just seems to pop in.

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  • Posted

    Well you are clearly suffering fromm some sort of anxiety, including irrational and intrusive thoughts. Have you ever had CBT therapy? This is a one on one type therapy which iams to teach you ways of dealing with unwanted/intrusive thoughts, helps you gain more control over them and yourself. It helps you distinguish a rational thought from an irrational one to be able to therefore work on them. I had 9 sessions of High Intensity CBT and the first thing they asked me to do even before therapy began was to work through a book by Melanie Ferrel called 'Overcoming low self esteem, a self help guide using CBT'. You can pick this up on ebay or amazon for a couple of quid. IBasically its a self help guide to teaching yourslef the techniques a therapist would teach you. Its sounds to me like you would greatly gain from CBT (doc can refer you, then there is a waiting list) and this book. There are loads of self help guides out there. You wanna be looking at mindfullness and CBT it will reaaallyyy help you if you put in the work and effort smile .... I have some self help guides my therapist gave me. If you send me a private message tonight or tomorrow to remind me, i will dig them out for you smile you can find them online yourself that way..

    Antother thing i found to help was to put all my unwanted thoughts into an imaginary box and tie it up with ribbon. Id even decorate it if needed. I found doing this gave me something else to concentrate on rather then the initiasl thought. Kind of taking the heat out of the fire if you like..

    Hope this

    Hope this helps.

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  • Posted

    Hi Michael

    This is defintiely an anxiety disorder. I would go to the doctors as soon as possible to talk about the possibility of going on medication whilst receiving therapy. You will be fine, many people on here will tell you the same smile


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    • Posted

      Yep, Holly you are right, things always get better. I have found that since i have imporved myself, alot of it that was due to habit. I had been doing it for so long that i thought it was controlling me alot more than it actually was. When really most of it was simply becasue it had become the norm if you like.... CBT will help you differentiate the two smile ...xxxxx
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  • Posted

    Hi Michael, this sounds like extreme anxiety and maybe ocd. It also sounds like you are wanting to controll situations more than most people would do to protect yourself. I would say go to your GP and ask about CBT as this changes your thought patterns from negative to positives. As Niccik suggests there are some self help books to read.  
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