Posted , 4 users are following.
-I feel like I have to make eye contact with pretty much everyone on the street, otherwise I'll feel ill. I know how ridiculous this is! I also know how creepily this can come off, so I attempt to walk past people looking either at my phone, or dead straight at the ground. Each person I pass is hugely distressful for me.
-I seem to take irrational steps in my mind to end up with negative conclusions, for example: "I really need to go food shopping today, but that'd involve deciding between whether I want to use a basket or a trolley, I wouldn't want to make the wrong decision, I better not go today". I avoid almost everything like this, and these don't even really feel like they're "my" thoughts at all.
-I ask myself whether I'm sweating. I seem to do this at random intervals for no real reason, whatever the answer is makes me sweat, sweating makes me feel uncomfortable, feeling uncomfortable makes me feel even more uncomfortable- and the cycle begins. Before I know it, I'm lightheaded, shaking, in full panic mode and retching uncontrollably.
-I usually only have one meal a day, because I'm terrified I'll throw up if I eat too much. I always tell myself "well… just don't eat too much then!" But for some reason, I just don't listen.
-I twirl my hair to the point that it's knotted, this provides me with an immense amount of comfort, whilst also making my hair look a bit stupid. It takes all my energy and focus to not do this in public.
-I feel like I'm an incredibly spontaneous person, which makes this an odd one for me: I have to follow a solid and overly detailed plan that must be stuck to. I have 1000 questions whenever someone asks me if I want to do something, and I'll end up asking most of them a lot more than once. It annoys people, but they understand there's something up with me. It's them who suggested I write this list actually.
-If I ever feel full, I start to retch, because anything more than that would mean I'd be feeling too full. (I know it doesn't really make sense).
-I have to rewrite, reread and recount everything at least 4 times. If what I'm reading is an important document or a heavily loaded question, then I will convince myself that I don't understand it or have missed information out and need to read it 10 more times. I usually enter a state of panic at this point.
-I often convince myself that the way I experience the world is too painful, and that the best thing to do for me would be to remain inside where I'm a lot more comfortable.
-Like most people, I check I have everything before I leave the house. But I take it to some weird extreme, where I'm frantically patting myself down like I'm being searched, dripping with sweat! I rummage through my bag making sure I have everything at least 20 times before I leave the house. If I can't find something, then I run through the house upturning everything and checking the same place 1000 times. I can do this for hours. If I have actually lost what I'm looking for, the realisation of this fact will almost reduce me to tears and almost certainly bring on a panic attack.
-I have to be an hour early for everything.
-I attempt to bargain with myself in the strangest of ways about things that are totally out of my control. For instance, if I'm waiting for somebody to arrive somewhere, I'll say to myself "ok, if I press a button on my phone and the screen lights up after less than 1 second, then the person I'm waiting for will arrive in the next 5 minutes". It is not at all the kind of thing I'd ever think, yet there it is in my head, it just seems to pop in.
0 likes, 4 replies