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I have had what I know recognise to be depression and social anxiety for nearly 10 years and now it just feels like the norm for me.
I have always felt a little different and afraid of meeting new people which may be down to moving around so much as a kid but it wasnt until moved to a new secondary school when I was 13 that a really noticed my first symptoms. I had no friends and was picked on and then eventually I got into a fight with a bully which eventually made me too scared to return to school. Around this same time my mum became addicted to heroin. I was all alone in a new city with no friends, no education and my home life had fallen apart, I had stopped attending school altogether and I was afriad of leaving the house. This continued for about a year until I eventually took a small overdose of paracetomal as a cry for help.
Depression continued for most of my teenage life, there were times I picked myself up and times I fell back down again, I tried all sorts of different things without ever actually receiving any profressional help - mainly because I was too stubborn.
About 4 years ago I made a turing point and moved to a new city, I managed to get myself a reasonable job to earn myself enough money for a nice flat. Ive even got myself some good friends, a boyfriend and a good family network. My mum has beat her addiction and now studying a PHD.
Despite having worked so hard to leave my depression behind me and build myself a new life I contiue to have bouts of feeling desperately low, I feel tired, unable to concentrate and afriad to socialise but most all I cannot stand myself, I hate myself so much that I wish I didnt have to be in my own brain, I feel worthless and no one will like me.
Over the past few months I have decided that this cannot continue and I will do anything to get help and try to heal myelf. I have spoken to my doctor and I have arange some talk therapy at the end of the month. I have tried to fix my diet and exercise more - I havent been doing too well with that. I have also started a journal and started taking St John's Wart as a natural AD.
I am really trying although I am failing in some areas, I am trying to think more positively although finding it hard. I can't help but think that it doesn't matter how hard I work at it that im never going to feel better. never going to feel happy for substantial amount of time. I feel like I should be thinking about suicide more seriously and looking for a way out of this.
Has anyone out there ever actually recovered from depression? What else can be done to ease it? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Im so desperately trying to beat this thing
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