compulsory diazepam detox (rapid!)

Hello

I started using lorazepam that I bought off a neighbour last October (about 7 months ago) and at first, was using it recreationally. I had no idea what kind of dose would get me high, and I can't remember exactly how much I was taking at first but probably doses of 4mg at a time, and I would have between one and three such doses in an evening, but at first I was using maybe every 2 or 3 days. After a while I realised that lorazepam had some medicinal value in reducing my anxiety in certain situations, so I started using it medicinally 2 mg at a time, but I tried to guard myself against the possibility of addiction by making sure I had regular days without using. To cut a long story short within about a month I was using it most days, probably using 4-6 mg per day most days.

There was a temporary difficulty in obtaining lorazepam about a month and a half after starting them and I had to go 4 or 5 days without them. I suffered unbearable cravings and an obsession to use benzos by day 3, and on day 4 I just couldn't stand it and went to ridiculous lengths to try and find some , offering people £100 ( equivalent to about $130 US) if they could find me a supply, or £1 for every pill whichever was greater. at the same time I was scaring the internet searching for sources and trying to get on the dark web unsuccessfully. All day I couldn't think of anything else or do anything else and I guess this indicates obvious addiction but I'm not sure there was at this stage any physical dependency.

When my supply became available again, I offered to pay double what I was paying him which was in the first place more than double the street value, so I was eventually paying 5 x the street value to give him an incentive to give me all the lorazepam he could get just to make sure that I would never have to cope with these cravings again full stop I also found another supplier he told me 2mg tablets of diazepam which I would use to supplement my lorazepam habit.

I thought I could stave off a physical dependency by making sure I had a day off every now and then, but this didn't work as I was seeing suffering into dose withdrawal symptoms, and they're scared me.

I was living in a hostel at the time and both of my dealers were fellow residents. they were selling me their prescriptions and I was aware that these sources may not last forever. I need that the withdrawal symptoms would just increase in intensity the longer I took it and a point was reached when my life started to improve because I was working out more than I ever had before and this improved my physical and emotional and mental health. I soon reached the point that I actually wanted to quit and I decided to think about whether go cold turkey or to taper. it was only at this point that I started to do research on benzodiazepine withdrawal and of course what I read frightened me greatly.

I decided to first of all try and reduce to 3mg of lorazepam every other day, and although I would sometimes experience into dose withdrawal this was tolerable. the equivalents charts in the Ashton manual indicated that 3 mg of lorazepam were equivalent to 30 mg of diazepam, so that would be 15 mg of diazepam daily. As I had at that point only been taking lorazepam for about 3 or 4 months, I decided to drop to just 4 milligrams of diazepam everyday and soldier through any withdrawal symptoms.

It started well. Withdrawal symptoms did develop quite quickly and got worse and worse every day for the first five days. However, I know this sounds strange but I was actually kind of enjoying the experience because I was really determined and I thought this is great, I'm not going to give in I'm coping. I was enjoying the withdrawls in exactly the same way as I enjoy feeling the pain of lifting heavy weights. Pain equals success, I felt.

However, by day6 of the rapid detox I suddenly became very ill indeed. I was so ill that I just knew that this could not go on comma that this had to stop, that it was going too far, so I didn't hesitate to take 30 mg of diazepam to stop myself getting any more ill. to my surprise the valium made absolutely no difference and the next day I got even worse, and couldn't hold down food. I'd throw everything I ate up, even cups of tea, and then soon I was even throwing up water and couldn't hold down any fluids either.

At this point I called my doctor and he said it sounded like I had gastroenteritis. he prescribed antacids but it didn't stop me throwing up everything I tried to drink or eat And I soon got dehydrated and Delirious. I lost the ability to move at one point comma and struggle to lift myself from The Lying position So I realised I had to go to hospital. They confirmed gastroenteritis after blood tests and severe dehydration, and I had to be on a drip To restore my fluids and to get medicines in me. The Honest was horrible and immediately following that illness I got the flu, and immediately after the flu I got a chest infection, and I decided I'd better go back on there diazepam and or lorazepam and start the paper again at a slower rate Dental my health improved.

at this point in time I was also preparing to move out of the hostel into my own self contained accommodation Full stop as I was doing this my lorazepam dealer has been admitted to a mental hospital, and my diazepam dealer had been admitted to a real Hospital because he was developing Alzheimer's and they wanted to investigate him so my supplies of benzos were cut short. I counted how much diazepam I had left and saw that I had just enough to conduct a fairly rapid taper that was just within the recommendations of the Ashton manual, only I would have to drop a little higher and would have to drop every week rather than when I felt I could drop.

To cut another long story short I was tapering according to schedule, and managed to get down to 4mg without too much discomfort. I was irritable and my sleep was deteriorating but the physical withdrawal symptoms like fever and Cognitive difficulties and emotional disturbances and poor digestion etc hadn't emerged yet. However, the process of moving out of the hostel was very stressful and I didn't feel able to cut when I should have cut, and I have now moved into my own place and I'm in the situation where I should be on 3mg by now.

What has been happening lately is that I would take 3mg one day and then not be able to resist taking 4mg the next day, meaning that I'm getting into a sticky situation because every time I take more than I meant to the taper is going to be more difficult and I'll have to jump off at some point to nothing whether I like it or not.

I don't think I'll be able to get any prescription from either my GP or the drug addiction services because my GP said I could quit cold turkey, and although it would be unpleasant it wouldn't kill me, while my drug worker doesn't understand benzo detoxes and doesn't believe me when I say I have physical withdrawal symptoms because she knows that I was able before to have days without any benzos. Once I asked her what I should do if I get into physical difficulty with the taper and she said you shouldn't be physically dependent, only psychologically addicted, and I said but II'm dependent physically, I have many physical withdrawal symptoms, and she said well then just carry on taking them. How useless is that advice? So when I tell her that I can't get anymore and that I'm suffering, I don't think she's going to be very helpful. I am therefore quite scared of what's going to happen now.

I am really craving more diazepam and part of me just thinks I might as well use up the rest of my diazepam quickly and just suffer and get it over and done with, but so far the rational part of me is winning. Yet it would only take one moment for me to hit the f*** it button and I'm not sure I can guard against this indefinitely.

The problem is, is that I've got this belief that I'm on such a low dose that it doesn't really make much difference if I take 3mg or 1mg or 0.5 or 0. It's going to be not enough, I'm going to be in withdrawal regardless, so I might as well just take the rest as I want to rather than as I should, because then I get it over and done with and confront the inevitable withdrawls quicker. The inevitable difficulty of being without anything Is coming sooner than I will feel ready, so why delay it.

It's a tempting idea because it means I can have a bit of a binge, and then get over it get it over and done with quicker. I don't believe I'm going to get any help from medical professionals.

So my plan is to try and resist this temptation, and taper as quickly as I can, so I don't have to jump off from 3 or 4 milligrams to nothing. I'm hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won't be dangerous; if they are, I will go to accident and emergency, but I'm not confident that I will get any help. They'll probably refer me to the drug and alcohol services, and my worker doesn't no anything, and doesn't even believe that I'm physically dependent. It's really frightening and this fear doesn't help the withdrawal process. So I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Many thanks,

Aaron .

0 likes, 3 replies