Concerned about a close friend...

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hello all,

I'm writing here because I'm concerned about a close friend of mine who I've known for over 15 years. We're both 28 and male.

My friend has clinical depression and has had some difficult times in his life. He lost his father when he was 20 years old and suffered from eating disorders and self-harm during that time. He's a very sensitive soul and one of the kindest people I've known. I believe he has some co-dependency issues. He's always had girlfriends from the age of 14 without much time as a single person. He's always very unhappy when he's on his own and has struggled to end relationships even when the girl has treated him badly. He left school with good grades and has a university degree, but has never had a job in his life.

A few years ago he found himself a lovely sweet girlfriend, she was very attractive. We all (our friendship group) thought he did extremely well to get her and he agreed. He always expressed how lucky he was and that he was the happiest he'd ever been. She seemed to bring the best out of him - they even started their own little business together. His overall mood and motivation levels were the best they'd ever been. We were all so happy for him. He finally seemed sorted in life.

Last year, much to our surprise, he broke up with her. It seemed completely out of character for him and we heard she was devastated.

A couple of months later, he told us the truth. He 'came out' to us and is now dating another male. Surprised doesn't even begin to describe it. None of us ever suspected he was gay. We supported him and were proud of him for finding the courage to come out though.

As much as I would love to be happy for my friend, all I feel is great concern... Turns out his new partner is only 18 years old and still at college (and failing all his subjects). My friend doesn't get out of bed until 1pm and plays video games 12 hours a day with his new boyfriend. This has been going on for 6 months now and he doesn't seem to have any interest in finding himself a job. He's still living with his mother and I believe she'd be happy for her son to live with her forever as she's been a very lonely woman since her hubby passed away. sad

I'm really worried about him and don't want him to waste his life away. I've tried to talk to him about his potential future career and job search, but he gets over-sensitive and all it does is cause an argument. Is there anything I can do? I hope he comes to his senses soon, but I fear he won't.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    There is very little you can do in this case until He comes back around and understands  what He has done to his own future plans

    All that you can do is be there if needed when He decides to return to His past life


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  • Posted

    Hi Dave

    I admire your attention and care as a friend..

    In this case I think what you can do is.. nothing... You have talked to him and tried to bring him to his senses but none of all that brought progressive result.

    You have done your part as a good friend... He has his own life and responsibility.. So now just be at his side as a good friend in silent.. What I meant is you keep befriend with him but just observe..

    Let him come to his senses by himself... I believe this will be part of his growing mature process...  IF you notice he is about to do something that dangerous to his life ( lethal consequence ), then I guess it is okay for you to act and jump into his life... and pull him away from falling.

    Meanwhile.. just watch and perhaps sending him positive affirmations/prayers.. If you believe in praying.

    I personally believe that when we send positive energy to other people, it can give significant contribution to the positive changes of their lives.


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  • Posted

    Hi should be very, very proud of being such an amazing is so desperately sad that he felt he had to hide his sexuality. That must have been very difficult to cope with...

    All you can do, is still be there for him as a friend, he would be devastated if you ended your friendship....

    He is happy at the moment, and I am sure in time ..and it ,may be a long one.....he will begin to pull himself together and look for a job with a future...he will realise that he has nothing to hide anymore....but no matter what...please carry on being his friend you truly are a godsend xx to him.....he has his weight off his shoulders, a partner, and an amazing, fantastic friend...

    Ps... anyone would love to have a friend like you, I know I would....lots of luck to you and your best friend...and big warm hugs as

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  • Posted

    Hi Dave - I would like to re-iterate what has already been posted here in response to your dilemma. Your friend is 28 years old - an adult. At the moment he is coming to terms with who he is and one can only guess at the issues resulting from denying himself all these years. It sounds like he is compensating for something, and also withdrawing from a social life. He can control a situation when it's limited to his home and computer. He will move out of this situation when he feels ready, and that is entirely up to him. The age difference between both guys is not vast and not unusual. He's lucky to have someone who cares about him - and I mean you. He needs to come to terms with himself in his own time.

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