Concerned Mom

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i have a step son 42 and he hates his life. He says he has no joy and if he was not such a chicken he would kill himself. His biological mother has already died. It was two weeks before anyone found her body. I never met her but I have heard many stories about how she handled her depression. This statement is not meant to sound judgmental. She drank so much that she developed sclerosis of the liver. She was a pharmacist that rarely worked because she started stealing narcotics. When I hear the stories about how everyone walked on eggshells to avoid her getting mad. To make matters worse, she looked for solitude in the Jehovah Whiteness, which facilitated the loner aspect because one can only mingle with people of the same faith. I have been researching like crazy. although I know he has a real issue, I still think there should be some kind of push. It seems that no one provided any kind of opposition so she did what seemed to be the only thing she knew how to do. I see there could be a possible compound issue with her son. We have a kid that could celebrate Christmas until he was seven then he was thrust into this religion that if you do not do certain things or mingle with people outside of your faith then you get a dis-fellowship(which has happened ) so any friends that he had made prior are strictly forbidden from talking to him so he has lost his God. I feel that depression may not be the only issue. He has been neglected and emotionally abused at the hands of his mother. I do not think this was done in malice, but a mother depressed that drink and took drugs while he was growing up could compound problem. I am reaching out to anyone that had any suggestions. I feel like just leaving him to his own devices will not help. I tried to make a couple appointments but no one would allow me to set the appointment. they say it must be him that makes the appointment. I do not want to do damage, but at the same time I cannot sit by and do nothing. If you have any suggestions of how I can help him that would be appreciated. You would literally save a life of a fate much worse than death, existence.

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  • Posted

    Omg this is so horrible for you and I'm so sorry 🙏 to hear about this and what you are going through with your step son. Does he have any learning disabilities or can you find out if his biological mother did drugs while she was pregnant with him because if he has any kind of disability you should be able to make appointments for him because he doesn't have the mental capacity to do things like this himself. Another thing that you can do is speak to a lawyer for a free consultation and get their advice on how to go about this hun and see what they can do or what they tell you to do and how to go about this. Does he have his own psychiatrist? 🤔 What city or state do you live in if you don't mind me asking you. I live in Toronto Ontario Canada and I'm a Healthcare professional with over 17 years of experience in the Healthcare field so depending on where you live I might be able to help you out with some advice but Canada 🍁 and the US and the UK are much different than each other when it comes to their Healthcare industries so let me know when you get a chance to I'm just heading to bed now but I'll check my email when I get up later on today. Don't give up....

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    • Posted

      We are in Saint George, UT and he does not have learning issues. I think he watched him mom his whole life and saw that she dealt with depression in her own way. I never heard any one talking about counseling or psychiatry. She died alone and it is sad. I know he is not a kid anymore but his life time of isolation between the depression and his religion had left him seeing life through the only lens he has and has not really been around people that help him model behavior. He is a super guy but he is so lost. When we die, I want to know he has the skills to maneuver through life. I imagine he has boundary issues given he has not developed his people skills. People tend to overstep and his limited experience with them has been less than desirable. I want to try to help and not do something that is detrimental to his recovery. I researched depression and watched tons of YouTube videos and I made every mistake in an effort to help. Thank you for taking time to offer suggestions.

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  • Posted

    Hi Sheaton . . . you are right, the mother was a hopeless case due to using her own self medicating methods instead of seeking professional help for her depression. And the son was of course deeply scarred by that upbringing. But I believe that the family of a grown man with depression can only make gentle suggestions and that’s about all. It is not the job of the family to 'fix' this adult man. And in fact efforts to do so can cause even more damage.

    Additionally, it seems to me that you are perhaps using this involvement with your stepson's problems in order to avoid facing and dealing with your own issues. I say this as someone who has done that very thing in the past. He is a grown man and needs to be looking after himself. Having family continue to attempt to manage his illness is not going to help.

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    • Posted

      Hi Diane,

      Thank you for your suggestions and comments. You would have to be a little closer to the situation to be able see the entire picture. You are correct about the part that I have issues of my own. I was nearly killed during a random attack and I am presently going to a doctor for PTSD and I could not be where I am today if I was not actively working a plan. It is through this ordeal that I could begin to feel what it might be like to have depression because the first six weeks I felt this darkness that I almost could not crawl out of and that is why I have reached out to this forum because therapy has helped me so much but I do not have depression and never belonged to such a restrictive group that nullified any relationship I had ever made. I think that coupled with his realization that he is utterly alone. I did not think telling him to grow up would be effective because there may be some arrested development and underlying issues that may be at play. I would like him to feel empowered as opposed to victimized. I choose this forum because I wanted some comments from other people that have depression so that I know what to do. He never ask or calls to tell me that he is suffering, but I know because he only leaves his house to work and the store and then home again. He suffers in silence and it is sad to see anyone resign to just waiting to die. You have valid points and I want to thank you for your candor.

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  • Posted

    hi sheaton, first, let me say how sorry I am for all you're dealing with right now. being a caregiver (in whatever capacity) is very difficult, to say the least!

    1)where's your stepson's father?

    2)are you in the USA? if so, (as frustrating as it is), the ONLY way you can make decisions for a family member who's 18+yrs, is conservativship. it Sucks, but that's the law. the only exception is if the person is either a danger to himself or others, and that has to be handled by involving the police. it gets SO complicated.....MENTAL ILLNESS NEEDS TO BE TREATED AS A DISEASE, and not a judgmental condition! God, ........why this concept is so difficult is beyond me!

    3)finally, yes, it sounds like your stepson definitely needs some kind of intervention....and needs it SOON!

    PLEASE.....remember to breathe, and take care of you. you'll be no good for him unless you do so.

    I'm here for you (whatever good that is), so please feel free to email me.❤❤

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    • Posted

      Hi Lynda,

      thank you for your feedback. His father is my husband and he tries to be there, but he is 72 and legally blind and has some health issues that we are still trying to figure out. I have been with his father for 20 years now and while I was watching some YouTube videos it mentioned that compounded depression is harder for individuals to seek treatment and that many times that the person suffering will not even know that there is underlying issues that may interfere with treatment and at times the person may feel like nothing works and he will just give up and possibly start self medicating. I know he will not resort to those issues but it us sad to witness such a life. He has always lived that way so he does not see the loss. I am a cancer survivor so all I know is fight. If you knew him, you would see his character, he is a good man. He has assigned all issues that he is having to depression and he does not see that a lifetime of isolation could render any human being to curl up in a ball. I know that it seems odd that I am reaching out, but I tried to put myself in his shoes and consider how isolated he has been in his lifetime and it is plausible that he just does not know how odd his thought patterns seem even with depression. I think telling him to grow up just will allow him to feel like a victim and I am trying to find a way to help him feel empowered. thank you for your suggestions and comments.

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