Confused about partner

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I recently mentioned that my bipolar partner had cut off contact. Well today he finally made contact and advised he had missed me and thought about me a lot over the last few weeks. The thing is it was then followed by I don't want to break up with you but I don't know what I want. He feels he would be taking advantage of me as he does not feel exactly the same as me, infact he does not know how he feels about anything just now. I aired how I felt about him as he needs to know this and told him I'm happy to be with him but he said that was just making him feel worse.What can I do/say to to convince him how much he means to me and for us to stay together no matter what happens?

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  • Posted

    I think he is very confused right now Hun and that may be nothing to do with you..it's the nature if the disorder. 

    Mental illness can either make people cling to others or push them away. There is no reason for this,nothing anybody has done wrong. It's just how that person feels and what they feel they need at the present time.

    All you can do is give him all the time and space he needs but be there as a friend if he needs you.

    Trying to convince him that being with you while he is in a vulnerable fragile state will only add pressure on him,confuse him even more and make him push you further away.

    Right now,my personal thoughts on this is...I feel he cares about you very much and needs you but wants to focus on getting well. Anything to heavy he will find overwhelming. 

    I know personally if I'm going through a episode that it makes sense at that time to me to keep my life as simple and drama free as possible. I need to know people are there but I also have a huge desire for space to figure things out.

    It may seem selfish that people think this way but in times of crisis our main aim is just to get well...with the thought that we can deal with everything else later,when we are better. That's his choice but you have a choice to. You can either respect his wishes and give him space to figure it all out,be his friend and hope that once this is over he will be ready to be with you or you can walk away.

    All I know is that if you start declaring your undying love and telling him how right you are for him,he will run a mile. He's not capable of being what you need right now and he knows it.

    I hope it all works out for you chick and I hope you can stand by his side regardless xxx

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    • Posted

      Thanks gillian. I think I have decided pretty much that. I am going to speak to him when I see him and tell him I understand that he can't process the strong feelings right now but I am happy to go along as we were seeing each other every week and chatting every day. No pressure for anything at all and I'll do whatever I can to support him along the way.

      I do think he cares very much about me and needs me around him which is why I don't want to push the issue too much with him. I also think he is scared of being hurt hence why he is saying all of this and I want to try and convince him that I have no intentions of hurting him but to be there as a companion/lover. He has said that he is not the same cuddly person I met and I fully understand that and don't expect him to want to kiss me (which he hasn't for a good month or so) but allow me to cuddle into him on the couch and when we're in bed is more than enough for me while he is going through this terrible time.

      Does that make sense?

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    • Posted

      It makes perfect sense, all he needs to feel is that he is in control of his thoughts and feelings and when he needs to press the pause button to regain some strength and re group he can do so without feeling guilty and until he's through this difficult period
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  • Posted

    Oh dear.. this is what I did just before my engagement breakup..

    I’ll try to be him to see if any of this makes sense to you, cause he and I may be the same.

    I recon that just like me its not the Bi-Polar…

    He is an idealist – he wants a movie thing he wants a partner like a car - it just runs. He has an issue with confrontation and if there is, it breaks the connection he has with you.

    ~~ here we go

    Making any connection is Sooooo hard because the only way is to go out of the comfort zone. Way way out. The other way is to do 'business' like community planning / church whatever which is how I met you...

    When that is done, there is a difficult time for him to re-connect as

    1. Its all crapped up, all gone, nothing works, all over, no way back.

    2. What do I do now, how do I re-connect

    3. Why do I keep doing this? I’m bad aren’t I ??!?

    4. I said I wouldn’t do this again and it happened again.. What if I get frustrated and hit her next time? Lucky it was just a few kicked boxes, keys thrown against the wall and a bad argument…

    He KNOWS you love him, that’s why its killing him when you say that.

    He really appreciates this and wants so much to make you happy BUT he has just failed again.. its SOOOOOO frustrating… and SOOOO hurting…

    ~~~ hows that??

    There is a LOT of emotions roiling around like a bucket of discoloured water (and feels just as heavy)

    If you add your emotions to his, they hurt so much more.

    Ask the parents how they used to deal with the withdrawals.

    Sometimes they will have seen it as - It’s a positive HEY I want out of here so I can think cause its toooo intense for the moment, then I can’t find the way back.

    SO fix = Be a Beacon. YOU Say “Hey, I know the Shadow is upon you at the moment, but I’m still going to be around when you get out of it, so do you want eggs or Spaghetti for dinner?.

    ~~~

    Does any of this sound similar?

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    • Posted

      Switch to being Practical vs Emotional.. but acknowledge that they are having issues.

      Connect Practically first, THEN emotionally, not Emotionally, then practically.

      Maybe one way would be to put on a favourite / funny - non emotional movie and say something "business like" during it like discuss the scenery, "so what if the garden was like that?" or something.

      Get you guys Working together, THEN once the connection is back, getting to loving together. Hmm WISH i'd been able to think of this when I was having my relationship issues..

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    • Posted

      Thanks froggy2. He since broke it off with me sadly as he was not sure how he felt and felt he would be taking advantage of me. I have since learned that he does deep down know how he feels although he does not realise it. I have asked him to reconsider but he has told me not to hold up hope but I will not give up. I have written him a letter that I want to give him when I next see him so that he does not feel pressurised.
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    • Posted

      WAAH! OK I'm going to relive my nightmare..

      What happened with me in 2011 is I had a bad shadow session and said well we may as well breakup. Things after didn't convince me otherwise cause now everything was tainted, and we had an email discussion where she finally said well youre not the person thats suited to Marriage so we should call the wedding off.. etc etc .. what happened next is the emotional chain broke and I then used the practical chain to announce breakup, cancel wedding venues etc etc.

      Only after some time after this then did I realise there was now no way back, and I would have had to go through her large family to get back on everyones side (somehow) before I could have been able to restart. ie I saw it as a mental picture of the Ex with her family behing her, like a rugby pack...

      The psych helped me and said *you need to be sure of this*. I asked if there was any way back - relationship -wise and she said "almost certainly not" this helped me a lot, cause I didn't have 1500 scenarios about what if she.. etc.

      The practial link broke and I dissassociated myself by leaving the whole place, and not talking to her via any medium.

      I still think she wanted to get back afterwards (we did try one weekend, but it literally felt *wrong*)

      One thing that was terrible was that we were to go on holidays the week after the breakup, and she went with her mum instead *And then sent a card saying "wish you were here"* aaAArg!

      I think she had the attitude of well I'm going to be friendly but not relationship, wheras I wanted to get back to relationship. She was definitely upset that the practical took over again and I moved out of the flat next to her, rented it out, moved in with parents for a while, and stopped talking to her.

      I have had failures before this ie should have prevented someone getting attacked, but I wasn't courageous enough.

      Personally, I will carry this burden of failure the rest of my life, along with the others.

      The burden is why some people top themselves I guess, but I'm tougher than that - just.

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    • Posted

      Card-wise, I kept picking up the holiday card and reading it obsessively even though it felt like a digger was scooping out my chest.. also had the emails.

      A month later, I managed to delete the emails, destroy any hard copies only them did I start crying and healing.

      I will always back off if she ever approaches me, even in a friendly fahion, which is a shame, but the digger is still there are will always be there until they find a tablet that stops the adrenaline or whatever it is that gives a pit in the stomach feeling.

      I still miss her very much, but my mental state is that this was always going happen given my past failures so why fight this?

      I hope your partner can resolve his past before he goes on else he will just expect the worst to happen always. and he will feel he will never be in a position to go back. I know relationship are all about issue / resolution, but somehow some people see certain issues as a *breaking point* instead of an opportunity to clear the air and go forward in a more understanding atmosphere.

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    • Posted

      Coming off VenFax, I have rawer emotions, **but I can do stuff** ie I went to Careers councelling and found that my personality type is 2/8 for the job I'm doing so no wonder work is an additional strain. Had some positive feedback even if I do not do anything about it immediatly. I have found a rental place to live while I (housing very competative here.. 9 people turn up to every open day.) But I'm handling the strain cause I'm *doing something positive* about things.

      So, FROM:

      Safe Place = no - parents equals strain

      Enjoyment = no

      Social = no - not playing computers with mates any more as they have thier own lives and are living in different suburbs

      Relationship = no

      career = no!!!

      TO:

      Safe personal place = YES

      Enjoyment = no

      Social = no - not playing computers with mates any more as they have thier own lives and are living in different suburbs.

      Career = no!!!

      Relationship = no

      BUT I can now work on the Career side, this will show me WHERE I should locate myself - hence why I'm renting and not committing to buying.

      All this is a little complex, but I hope others can have a look at this and realise that their rent issues are not the end of the world, and yes theres juggling, but there is also resolution.

      You can't find something if you don't go out and look, and coming off VF allowed me to start moving again.

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  • Posted

    Your Husband is lucky, I end up divorced cause my ex wife couldnt handle the idea of me being depressed. He will be confused right now and you need to ensure the peopel he is assocoautting with are also telling him that you want him too. 

    He need reassurance and its ok that your doing it but one of the biggest things with depression is guilt and paranoia. You can only help him if he wants your help you cant force it on him. Take baby steps and if you can plan with him small steps that allow him to make steady progress over weeks and months that will be how you boost his confidence.

    When I am at my lowest I hate individual days, and start looking at weeks or into the futur when things are going to be good.

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