Constantly feeling so low. Always thinking that I will be better off dead.

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For years, I keep battling with the idea of just giving up. I then feel ashamed about it and the guilt of leaving my family and friends behind. I feel that my whole life so far as just been to please people, do what they want and disregard my own desires, hopes, dreams. I am only 22 and equally I feel stupid feeling like this but I can't help it.

I've just come out of a violent relationship of just under two years, and prior a relationship where my ex had schizoaffective disorder disorder. That relationship lasted a year and a half. I have always been bullied at school and I found it really hard at times at university. I'm dyslexic and sometimes my fludicy in my speech is poor. Ironically I did English Literature with creative writing.... which I failed.

I feel, that at even though I am young, I have failed so much in life already. I do a lot of drugs to numb the pain and just feel happy and high, I spend money stupidly and as a result I am in a lot of debt. I am a selfish person towards my family and a push-over towards my friends. I cry so much when I am alone and recently broke down in front of my friends after a night out.

One of my best friend committed suicide this year. He was a brother to me and had always been there for me, he knew what to say when I felt so low and we were always there for each other. I miss him more than anything in the world and I wish I was there with him. The pain of life and all its disappointments is really getting to me.

I feel so stupid even writing this. So many people have far worse situations and they still get on with it, and then here is me, a stupid girl who makes bad mistakes and constantly feeling sorry for myself. 

I just want end life. Go to sleep knowing that I will never have to wake up again with all the heartache and sadness.

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    You are not stupid, Ive had depression since the age of 15 and have felt guilty that people are worse off than me but I also cant stop thinking of ending my life, I have a son your age and he said he would be heartbroken if I tried to end my life ,the same as your family and friends would be heartbroken too, it takes courage to write on here how you are feeling,have you been to the doctor,ive had lots of appointments with professional people and for me the tablets work best for me,please go and see your doctor 2morro if you havent already.
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    • Posted

      I tried to attend counselling sessions, I had three lined up but I never attended. I had an abortion at 15 and my mum said to not attend counselling because it will shame the family and I don't need to make public my issues. I have always been really private and this is the first ever time I have ever written anything in a forum, ever. I work monday to friday 9 - 5 so I may consider going after. I'm scared though that I will be put on to antidepressents. I don't know where I sit with that.
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    • Posted

      It might work for you to go to counselling its best to have a go ,its never worked for me. Ive been on different antidepressents over the years and I GO ON THEM for a couple of months then come off thinking the problem doesnt go away or sometimes i feel better but I ve come to accept that I might have to be on them for years ,some people get more side effects than others but lucky for me I only get 1,there is nothing to be scared about taking them if its going to help you , Ive never been on a forum either just come on here for support and to talk to someone-else who feels the same way.
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  • Posted

    sorry to hear all of your suffering. You have had a hard time of it. Life is for living though and I think you shouldn't give up on yourself and use this to make you a stronger person.  people are here to talk to you if you ever feel down again.

    Richard

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