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For years, I keep battling with the idea of just giving up. I then feel ashamed about it and the guilt of leaving my family and friends behind. I feel that my whole life so far as just been to please people, do what they want and disregard my own desires, hopes, dreams. I am only 22 and equally I feel stupid feeling like this but I can't help it.
I've just come out of a violent relationship of just under two years, and prior a relationship where my ex had schizoaffective disorder disorder. That relationship lasted a year and a half. I have always been bullied at school and I found it really hard at times at university. I'm dyslexic and sometimes my fludicy in my speech is poor. Ironically I did English Literature with creative writing.... which I failed.
I feel, that at even though I am young, I have failed so much in life already. I do a lot of drugs to numb the pain and just feel happy and high, I spend money stupidly and as a result I am in a lot of debt. I am a selfish person towards my family and a push-over towards my friends. I cry so much when I am alone and recently broke down in front of my friends after a night out.
One of my best friend committed suicide this year. He was a brother to me and had always been there for me, he knew what to say when I felt so low and we were always there for each other. I miss him more than anything in the world and I wish I was there with him. The pain of life and all its disappointments is really getting to me.
I feel so stupid even writing this. So many people have far worse situations and they still get on with it, and then here is me, a stupid girl who makes bad mistakes and constantly feeling sorry for myself.
I just want end life. Go to sleep knowing that I will never have to wake up again with all the heartache and sadness.
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