Coping after Mum's death

Posted , 5 users are following.

My mum died last Friday and I have been left to cope with my heartbroken father and all the funeral arrangements. I have a brother who lives a long way away and although he came up for my mother's last few days he has returned home and left me to deal with it all. Last night there was a huge argument over the funeral date which came from the funeral directors. My brother left no instruction as to dates unsuitable other than his holiday. The arrangements are complicated with church service tying in with crematorium but the director spent all day coordinating the various parties and came up with one date. It is my niece's birthday - not ideal but I truly believed under the circumstances they would accept it as an unfortunate but necessary clash. No. Straight away my brother tried to change it against my fathers wishes. This has upset him and me as it will cause further delay to the proceedings. My husband intervened and told my brother to just leave it. He has, but I know they are criticizing me. I have now lost all confidence in my handling of the arrangements. This morning I just can't even get out of bed I feel so bad. I have been on citalopram for 3 years ( a long story) and have failed to get myself off them. I'm wondering if I need something else to help me cope.

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  • Posted

    I haven't taken that medicine so I don't know but I just wanna lend my condolences and support, you will heal and get better we as a community are here if you need us

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  • Posted

    Hi Sally, sorry to hear of your loss, having to deal with all the arrangements. Coordinating things, trying to keep everyone happy and whilst dealing with grief (although I suspect your delaying the grief process until after the funeral) it's going to be tough on you, stick to your guns as your brother will have to work around you abd the date which I've no doubt he will.

    If it suits your father then your brother needs to accept this.

    It's no surprise your struggling but you will cope with it, if your really struggling go see your GP.

    At the end of the day it will be sorted out.


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  • Posted

    Hi Sally - sorry to read of your situation and I extend condolences on your loss. Your brother sounds impossible - and, dare I say it, rather indifferent. The unfortunate thing about death and funeral arrangements is they can't really be put off until we are ready. I would continue with the arrangements that your brother has left you to deal with while he contemplates his holiday, and don't change anything. Your fathers wishes supercedes his in this situation, anyway. 

    Meanwhile, as difficult as it is to face it, you need to drag yourself out of bed and see the situation through. It will mean much to you later on when you remember your mother. As for those criticising you behind your back, @&%* them! You are in charge. The arrangements have been co-ordinated and that's that! With regard your niece, I would tell her how special it is to have this event on her birthday. Tell her it's the day that auntie went home where she's completely at peace and where we will all go to join her when the time comes. 

    As for needing something else to cope - can you make a quick appointment with the doc? A low dose of valium to get you through the next few days is all you will require, just to calm yourself and help shrug off the judgements and complaints. 

    Lastly Sally, hang in there. Positive self-talk. Ignore the others. At the end of the day, you can reassure yourself that you did what you could in spit of everything, and GOOD ON YOU!!!

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