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Hello, thanks for reading and I apologize for the length. Please read everything.
About 2 months ago, something happened in my relationship (my fault) that kind of triggered (at first) an enormous amount of guilt.. which then subsided a little bit. I was good for a few days and then bam... "do I love him?" a thought so truly devastating and painful that I was crying all day. A man, so loyal...loving...caring...truly the love of my life. We have a relationship like you've never seen before. It's so unique and that's what makes it so special. But when these thoughts started... I truly feel like I've lost myself. These thoughts give me multiple breakdowns a week.. cause me to feel extremely overwhelmed everyday. I feel tired, exhausted.. I don't fantasize about my future anymore because the want to "live" is kind of gone. (Not a suicide threat). Before all of this... my boyfriend made me so damn happy. Everyday, my love truly grew stronger for him. We talked about our future, and what we want. We have all of it in common. I can still be sexual with him some days. But when I overthink and get these thoughts...I cannot. It's truly killing me because I don't want to end things with him... all I want to do is get back to being happy with him. I keep getting these intrusive thoughts like "do I love him" "what if I will feel like this forever and the only way to get better is if we leave each other". I cannot be without him.. everything we've talked about.. all the memories we made. He truly loves me to the core and I do too.. but these thoughts are killing me. When we're apart, like rn.. we sleep on the phone together every night and it's something I can't not do. I cry to him over the phone, explaining to him how much this is hurting me. He tries to understand to the best of his ability and he's as supportive as he can be. Could I be depressed and anxious? The first 2 weeks of this issue.. I was lying in bed all day all night.. I was sweating with a cold chill and every noise I heard scared me and made my heart race and made me sick too. I did not eat, i still don't eat right. I did not sleep right. Just so many issues that have again, slowed down a bit. What should I do? 😞. The only time these feelings kinda go away is when I do things together with my boyfriend. When I'm alone and SOMETIMES with him, the thoughts hit me and I just want to cry. I don't feel free.. I feel trapped in a pool of my own thoughts trying to eat me alive. Please help me. Sometimes even, I overthink him leaving ...or even my health. Everything triggers anxiety in me. When it's my health.. I feel like all the stress is making me go bald. Then I think I'm going to make my boyfriend truly unhappy because of how I am and that breaks me. I'm just honestly so lost. I'm supposed to get my own place soon and then I have to start the process of moving to the states (because my bf lives there) I wouldn't have had an issue doing that if I wasn't feeling like this but all of that just seems so overwhelming and I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work, I don't want to go out in the world..all I want to do is stay at home and I just can't do this because it will ruin my relationship and my life. What should i do?
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