Crazy dating anxiety! Help :(

Posted , 4 users are following.

I'm absolutely overwhelmed right now. I have these constant attacks where I start to cry and I don't know why, there's no reason to.

A co-worker and I have some sort of dating situation going on. It started in June and until now I thought it was just an affair. Which was ok, because I didn't really know what I wanted from him and actually I'm still not quite sure. I have feelings for him, but I'm not sure what they are. We're really still getting to know each other.

Anyways, I have noticed a pattern that concerns me quite a lot, mostly because I don't know what to do about it. I always and in every situation prepare for the worst. I send him a text message and no matter how random it is, I panic that he won't reply anyway. He always does. Then I start to panic because he might have not answered that text the way I might have wanted him to. Next thing I find myself worrying that he probably won't want to see me anymore. Until he asks me out again. And then when the day comes I worry that he will probably cancel. I'm always so SURE he will cancel. He never does.

This goes on an on and it's so incredibly stressful. I get so frustrated because I don't know why I am this anxious and can't just enjoy it. Whenever we're out together he's so sweet and gives me compliments and all that. I'm going on a few trips to the Netherlands and he suggested to come along. That was a surprise to me, because I always assumed (of course) that he only wants an affair and sex is all he's interested in. I told him he's welcome to come along, I would really like that. He's also asked to see baby pictures of me...

Yesterday I was anxious all day because I was on my period and I was so certain he would just send me home, because I don't have sex during that time. I literally had my evening planned, what I would do to calm myself down after he's sent me home. This is so sick, because of course that didn't happen. He said it's no problem at all and he doesn't expect sex when we meet. He even asked if I'm in pain. This morning he let me stay at his appartment alone for the first time when he had to go to work early. He said I don't have to hurry and can just drink my coffee and leave whenever I want. 

So my rational side tells me, that there's no reason for me to worry, I should just enjoy this. But I can't. I really really want to, but I keep focusing on the things I "messed up". Like when I maybe said something funny or maybe didn't say something I think I should have said. Then I get so frustrated and anxious and once again become so certain that now I f*cked it up. I should be happy that he even consideres traveling with me, even if it's just one day and that he lets me stay at his appartment alone with his roommate, who has made a pass on a former crush of his before. Maybe I'm naive or something, but I'd like to think those are positive signs.

But for whatever reason I'm sitting here, crying and scared and I don't know why. I keep thinking that I will probably mess it up and that he will interpret my anxiety as me not being interested or something. It's super frustrating. I'm scared that my anxiety is going to make me mess this up. It wouldn't be the first time. I keep focusing on the tiny "bad" things in this situation, instead of just enjoying the good things. It's like my subconscience is trying to find faults and bad signs because that's all I know. I'm really really desperate right now.

Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Jenna,

     Jenna,

    Let me start off by saying I am not a councellor of any kind just a 40ish woman who has had some experience. I am not sure how old you are, or if you have been in bad relationships before. To me it sounds like you are either young or very insecure in your own self and maybe you are not prepared for this sort of relationship. If you can learn to just let your insecurities go you may find yourself having a wonderful experience with this person.  Sounds like he thinks alot of you and wants to spend time with you. Take it as it is and don't worry if he doesn't reply to your texts immediately or whatever. Men are very different from us in their hard wiring.. women panic and go.. omg I have a text I have to reply to NOW.. Men go.. oh she texted me... awesome!! I will reply as soon as I finish this task I am working on.. If he is not interested he will I am sure tell you.... enjoy yourself!!   XX Robin  

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  • Posted

    Hi Jenna!The first thought that came to my mind when I was reading your post was that this girl/woman is probably too insecure and has low self-esteem.Why I thought so was because I am like that as well very often and all the thoughts and worries you mentioned are familiar to me.You probably worry that you are not worth it and you just can't believe that there exist a man who is so kind to you and loves you for real. You don't doubt your man when you fear he won't call you you doubt yourself.

    Your man probably feels so lucky to have you according to what you said while you let your insecurities spoil all the precious moments.

    Just remember that if he chose you then he found smth valuable in you smth that you may not even think about.He has already chosen YOU!Your job is to remember you are pretty,worthy woman all men dream about,not to push him away and enjoy time spent with him. Good luck)

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  • Posted

    I'm 29 and have made tons of bad decisions in the past, that came with so many bad experiences. I'm paying for them now, it seems. The better things go, the more scared I am and it drives me mad. I'm at a point where my frustration and anxiety frustrate me more than the situation itself. I really hate that I am this way, so why would he accept it? rolleyes

    I talked to a good friend about this today and he said that I should talk to the guy about my anxiety. Not all the details, he said I should just mention that I get scared easily and haven't let anyone near me in years. And that situaions like this make me nervous and sometimes they have an impact on my interactions. That's probably something he's noticed himself, so there's probably no harm in telling him why I sometimes seem very insecure.

    I've been avoiding relationships for 3 years now. Whenever I realized a guy likes me, I panicked and ran. I broke it off before anything could happen and I have the urge to do so again. I keep focusing on funny things I might have said yesterday and am so certain of the fact that I messed up. My friends think I'm crazy and I'm starting to wonder if I should talk to a shrink. Even though everything went so well, I feel like nothing good can come out of this ever. My urge to run before I make a real fool of myself or do something to scare him off is really overwhelming right now. And that again frustrates me to tears sad

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    • Posted

      Would you leave your man if he confessed he suffered from anxiety or that he had serious problems in any sphere?I am sure you wouldn't.Your friend's idea seems a good one.After all being honest with the person you value is essential.If he runs away you will know he is not worth your time and if he stays and supports you your anxiety will lessen gradually.Sometimes we need to take a risk to succeed.Something tells me he will understand)
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  • Posted

    Of course I woudn't leave anyone because of mental health issues. It's just that we're not a couple, so he could just take a hike using any random excuse, if he wanted to sad 

    He sent me a text some time ago and I'm terrified to read it. I haven't opened Whatsapp or even touched my phone in 2 hours because I'm scared of what it might say. That is so sick and I feel like such a freak. 

    Two years of therapy have helped me with pretty much everything, except this. I wonder if this was reason enough to start a new one, this can't be normal and can't go on like this. 

     

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    • Posted

      If I were you I would right now go and open my inbox and reply to him in the most confident way.You may lose him but not because of your anxiety but because of the fact that you just avoid him.He may think you are not interested.Remember he doesn't know your problem so he can have his own assumptions.I guess you don't want this.

      On the other hand if you continue dating him as usual and tell him your problem you never know, the fact that you shared with him can make him feel you trust him.You both may feel that your bonds became stronger and firmer.Just don't describe yourself as crazy or cry histerically and he will understand.He may even know a great specialist who can help yousmileTake this as an adventure and not as a trial and everything will be alright!

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  • Posted

    So everything has been going well so far. I thought so anyways. 

    He decided to come with me to the Netherlands for a day trip in a week from now. In addition we've been texting almost every day (and he's started sending lots of kisses and hearts and stuff, which is new for him). Saturday he even kissed me goodbye after our day at work, that was a first, too. We agreed to see each other today, that was his idea. Just yesterday I was so happy that my anxiety had subsided a little bit and I've become more secure about the whole thing.

    A couple of hours ago he cancelled our date and asked if we could see on sunday instead. He said he was really exhausted and tired and needed some time for himself, as he had been working a week in a row and will continue to do so for the next couple of days. In an instant all the anxiety was back, I started to cry and my appetite was completely gone. I was absolutely certain it was just an excuse to get rid of me. He's probably with another woman and plans to cancel our trip to the Netherlands, too. That probably he's now slowly withdrawing from our situation and I will lose him. Seriously, I feel like vomiting and have an urge to delete all our text messages and his number and just move on. I know it's sick and probably wrong, but I feel like such an idiot for starting to trust him. I even wanted to tell him about my anxiety, wow. 

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