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I'm absolutely overwhelmed right now. I have these constant attacks where I start to cry and I don't know why, there's no reason to.
A co-worker and I have some sort of dating situation going on. It started in June and until now I thought it was just an affair. Which was ok, because I didn't really know what I wanted from him and actually I'm still not quite sure. I have feelings for him, but I'm not sure what they are. We're really still getting to know each other.
Anyways, I have noticed a pattern that concerns me quite a lot, mostly because I don't know what to do about it. I always and in every situation prepare for the worst. I send him a text message and no matter how random it is, I panic that he won't reply anyway. He always does. Then I start to panic because he might have not answered that text the way I might have wanted him to. Next thing I find myself worrying that he probably won't want to see me anymore. Until he asks me out again. And then when the day comes I worry that he will probably cancel. I'm always so SURE he will cancel. He never does.
This goes on an on and it's so incredibly stressful. I get so frustrated because I don't know why I am this anxious and can't just enjoy it. Whenever we're out together he's so sweet and gives me compliments and all that. I'm going on a few trips to the Netherlands and he suggested to come along. That was a surprise to me, because I always assumed (of course) that he only wants an affair and sex is all he's interested in. I told him he's welcome to come along, I would really like that. He's also asked to see baby pictures of me...
Yesterday I was anxious all day because I was on my period and I was so certain he would just send me home, because I don't have sex during that time. I literally had my evening planned, what I would do to calm myself down after he's sent me home. This is so sick, because of course that didn't happen. He said it's no problem at all and he doesn't expect sex when we meet. He even asked if I'm in pain. This morning he let me stay at his appartment alone for the first time when he had to go to work early. He said I don't have to hurry and can just drink my coffee and leave whenever I want.
So my rational side tells me, that there's no reason for me to worry, I should just enjoy this. But I can't. I really really want to, but I keep focusing on the things I "messed up". Like when I maybe said something funny or maybe didn't say something I think I should have said. Then I get so frustrated and anxious and once again become so certain that now I f*cked it up. I should be happy that he even consideres traveling with me, even if it's just one day and that he lets me stay at his appartment alone with his roommate, who has made a pass on a former crush of his before. Maybe I'm naive or something, but I'd like to think those are positive signs.
But for whatever reason I'm sitting here, crying and scared and I don't know why. I keep thinking that I will probably mess it up and that he will interpret my anxiety as me not being interested or something. It's super frustrating. I'm scared that my anxiety is going to make me mess this up. It wouldn't be the first time. I keep focusing on the tiny "bad" things in this situation, instead of just enjoying the good things. It's like my subconscience is trying to find faults and bad signs because that's all I know. I'm really really desperate right now.
Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted.
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