Current train of thought

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So........... I can only put this as my brain is processing it so bare with me plz 

        I've struggled with my perception or should I say reality ? With the " norm " now I am fundamentally aware there is no " norm " but as a child I hated my " norm " and from a young age felt why the heck we were to tow a line ? I.e. Grow up, get educated, go to work, get married, have kids etc etc yet I did it and craved a family etc I have two grown children and am now a nanny to my first granddaughter and for the first time ever I have found my place in the world, having never done so before, even being a parent ! Now I am currently 2 years post breakdown ( 3 before ) trying to get myself back into a world i.e. Work and functioning, really sat here wondering why ? Yes the world means I should be working and functioning but how can you force yourself to be a part of something you have absolutely no desire to be a part of ? By default I am here, kids etc but really struggling with pushing myself when I've never got life, simple 

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  • Posted

    I've thought about this and the crux of the situation is money and possessions mean nothing to me, what matters is love, caring and being present and that doesn't fit with what the world expects ? How do I then be ? 

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  • Posted

    Hi Crazycat - I can relate to what you are saying. I always wondered what right others (society) had to tell me what i should be, how I'm 'supposed' to want marriage, kids, climbing the ladder where it is expected you stomp others down in order to 'rise above' them, to strive to be 'superior' in an endless race that will one day fail. I was ostracised for not being 'normal' and seeking my own path. What an adventure it's been. Now, without all the baubles and beads everyone else strives for (and who,  having obtained them, find themselves wanting more/better/different in an endless quest) with no clutter to complicate things, I am wallowing in a simple life where in a minute, this evening, tomorrow - whenever I want, i can drop everything and go do something else. 

    Life is a collection of experiences and connections. These and how we treat others are all that we take with us when we go. No jewels, cars, mansions or status, breast implants or money. Work-wise, do what you love to do - it will all fall into place.

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    • Posted

      Hi Wayne yes you totally get it, my life too is small and simple and I love it, I worried slightly when you said about you wallowing in your simple life ( only because I get that ) but am reassured when you fallow that with the ability to change that should you desire and I guess that's where my frustration lies, I have no desire to change my world yet I have to work, I've struggled always with work / life balance along with my mental health so need to find a way to work but draw a line under it when I leave to get some down time for myself. Thank you for your comments and keep well x 

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    • Posted

      Hi again Crazycat - thanks for your response. Sounds just like me - always found it difficult to leave work where it is and relax, even on a holiday (which I rarely took.) Wishing you all the best in finding a balance.
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  • Posted

    How old are you crazycat?

    Yes we are here by default. Refreshing to read your very raw candid post.

    Its really hard to be part of the workforce when you dont really feel like you fit in or care for the system yet we are here and we are part of this whole thing.

    Im glad you found your place with your granddaughter

    I have to support my boys and they are pretty young still and for them i live..so i go and do what i gotta do and it is so hard you have no idea.  I do whatever i have to do to make ends meet for them, only for them.

     Menopuase has been like a rebirthing for me where im born into a place and a person i dont know anymore.

    Depression is such a cruel joke.

    i hear ya sister

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    • Posted

      Hi Kauaible I am 45 and peri menopausal so going through hell with that right now sadly and yes has an impact on the depression. 

      My main problem is learning how to work without it taking everything of me and just being the part it should play ( financial ) for me work involved people then relationships, caring, involved then too much and meltdown ! I can't seem to seperate being part of the workforce successfully and giving myself the personal space and time I obviously need ( learnt the hard way ) I've thought for a long time of myself as an emotional sponge and find even being around people means stress, discomfort as I seem to attract needy people, me being me would happily lay down my life to end all human suffering ! Urgh it's exhausting just talking about it but thank you for your reply, depression is a cruel joke so keep your head above water xxx 

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  • Posted

    when i said my kids are young.i meant that they are young relatively speaking because i had them at an older age. they are 12 and 15, 

     

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  • Posted

    Hi I loved your post and can relate to it so well.  I have never even managed to get anywhere near what you are supposed to have in life.  I have never had much money,  children,  a good career,  a big house etc.  I am aware that people sometimes think I am a bit strange and don't fit in.  Well I don't actually want to fit in with their ideas of a successful life or society's ones either.

    My ship far from coming in was a rowing boat which sank within a few minutes smile  All I know is like Wayne I lead a simple life and can do exactly what I want and am beholden to no one.  It's very liberating.

    I have never got what life's all about either and still don't at the age of 60 plus.  It's always been a mystery to me what it's all about so you are not alone in that.  The only thing I know is life is to enjoy and make the most of in whatever way you want to and stuff society's expectations where they belong smile 

    You carry on being you and enjoy life.  x

     

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    • Posted

      Hi hypercat you're right about just not wanting to " fit in " I don't and I don't care anymore about trying to ( finally got to that age ) but society does say I should and trust me when I say I'm not lazy, it's just what's important to me is not enough so I somehow need to find a balance ? I don't know how to do that, sorry your boat sank but you keep being you too as I know for a fact the world needs more of us xxxx 

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