Cycle of self-destruction-is it time to end it all?

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi all I'm new to this forum but have been meaning to post for a while. I'm 21 and have experienced anxiety and depression for going on 6/7 years now. It has always held me back and continues to as I'm currently failing at university. Up until the last month I have always rejected any offers of medication, but being in my 3rd year I thought it was time to give it a try and have started a course of 20mg citalopram.

Initially, it made me worse and last week I was in a very bad way, however in the last few days my mood has levelled out and I now feel "normal" again. 

But suprisingly it's when I feel "normal" that I feel worse than when I have an extremely low mood. When the episode of depression begins to ease off I experience obsessional thoughts about self harm, suicide, reckless behaviour such as drinking excessively, I even fantasize about having a serious illness such as cancer. I apologise in advance because I know many people have been affected by such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I also don't want to become ill to gain attention from others. I just don't want to be "well", physically or mentally. It's like I don't think I deserve any better. 

And so the obsessional thoughts continue to affect my concentration and sleep until I am back in a pit of depression and despair. I also ignore my friends and don't turn up for lectures, despite being in a better mood. This time I am obsessing over taking an overdose and am seriously planning on doing it I just don't want to be well.

Why am I like this?? I have never told anyone this before because I know these thoughts are so disgusting and believe it or not I am a really caring person (Just not to myself!). Is this pattern of self destruction more than just depression?

And should I tell my counsellour about this, as it is definitely impeding any progress and is probably the reason I have never responded to CBT in the past too!

I don't see myself ever breaking this cycle and can see ending it all is the way out now

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Don't do it!  don't harm yourself!  You are just 21 years old, you need help, you need to talk to someone.  I suggest you call the  Samaritans as you say you are seriously thinking about ending it all.  It gets better, really and truly you can get better from even severe depression.  CBT is not easy, it takes time to absorb and incorporate it into your life.  I am 57 I have struggled with d epression on and off s ince I was about 11.  The doctors don't always understand it fully, but what they can and do do is LISTEN and CARE.  I really care that you are feeling this way.  Please find someone to talk to, try and resist the alcohol as it makes you even more depressed.  Also if you are on any kind of antidepressant drinking alcohol can have serious consequences.  You will end this cycle, but you have to start letting your friends and relatives and doctors and even university lectureres in on how you are feeling.  The sun will shine again for you, you can recover from this.

    Finding our why we suffer from depression is not easy, but seeking help and talking to real people is the first step.  Good luck, and please love yourself, love yourself and then love yourself some more.wink

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  • Posted

    I think it's because you are starting to feel 'normal' again that you are thinking about ending it all.  It is often when people start to feel better that they attempt to kill themselves.  Please ring the Samaritans, they will  listen, and listen and listen until you feel safer and better.
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  • Posted

    I understand how you feel coz it's when I am coming out of a deep depression that is my danger period.  When I am depressed I cannot move enough or think enough to end it but when I can and getting back to normality is when I have made suicide attempts.  But I think knowing this so it doesn't take you by surprise is important as you can then prepare for it.    I know that the suicidal feelings will pass so I just wait them out.  Ok one time I might not be able to but hey ho that's life isn't it?

    I don't think I have helped you at all with this but  at least you know you are not on your own.   Stay with us here as we all support and help each other.   Take care

    Bev xx

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  • Posted

    I don't know if you are taaking any recreational drugs such as cannabis, but if you are, this will make things worse. Please don't harm yourself. I have a son your age at university and suffer from depression myself. If he ever killed himself it would rip me and the rest of the family apart. Life would be a living hell for us all. So hearing a 21 year old young man talking about ending it really hurts. Please think about your family and how it would affect them. In addition to this, if you are thinking about an overdose, most attempts are unsuccessful and leave the person with permanent liver or kidney damage that ruins the rest of their lives.

    It may be that citalopram isn't the right drug for you. Please go back to your GP and let him know you are haaving suicidal thoughts. Some anti depressants make things worse. You are also in such a stressful time of life, coming up to finals; I really feel for you. You must go back to your GP ASAP.

     

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  • Posted

    I want to tell you that I have felt all those things you are feeling now.  I was in a very deep depression for years.  Those thoughts are no unusual so don't worry that it is disgusting.  I too am a caring person.  It is just that depression changes us, and it is a very difficult illness to live with.

    Please don't feel you are alone in these thoughts.  And you deserve better, it is just the depression talking again.  We are so negative when we have this illness. 

    I have planned my suicide, wanted to do reckless things, etc.  I know it was my illness.  We isolate ourselves and find it difficult to be in the company of others, even friends and family.

    I hope the anti depressant makes you feel better.  Let us know how you get on.  Yes tell the counsellor everything, that is what they are for.  Don't bottle things up. 

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  • Posted

    Hi all thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words! I really expected abuse after what I wrote but you are all so kind and understa ding smile

    Sorry for the lengthy reply, these last couple of days have not been good as I all I have been able to think about is thoughts of taking an overdose/jumping off of a building.

    I have a gp appointment on thursday and don't know how to tell him so that he will take me seriously and not think that I am just attention seeking.

    Im really worried im going to act on these urges because thy are way stronger than the rational part of my brain that is telling me not too. I have tried samaritans but they're not very useful because the urge is just so strong! Its like someone with an addiction resisting the urge to give in sad

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    • Posted

      You could write down what you want/need to tell your GP on Thurday so that you don't forget anything. He WILL take you seriously. Please resist those urges to take your own life. Do you have anyone you are close to?
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    • Posted

      Thanks I think I will do that. What can he do though? Other than just give me another appointment in a weeks time and I can't go through another week of this.

      I live with other students in a shared house who I get on well with but have no idea that anything is going on because all of them have said before that depression isnt real and people are just lazy etc so I know it would only make things worse to tell them. They are all out in the day so I just sleep all day and pretend I have been into uni so they dont think im being "lazy"

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