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Hi all I'm new to this forum but have been meaning to post for a while. I'm 21 and have experienced anxiety and depression for going on 6/7 years now. It has always held me back and continues to as I'm currently failing at university. Up until the last month I have always rejected any offers of medication, but being in my 3rd year I thought it was time to give it a try and have started a course of 20mg citalopram.
Initially, it made me worse and last week I was in a very bad way, however in the last few days my mood has levelled out and I now feel "normal" again.
But suprisingly it's when I feel "normal" that I feel worse than when I have an extremely low mood. When the episode of depression begins to ease off I experience obsessional thoughts about self harm, suicide, reckless behaviour such as drinking excessively, I even fantasize about having a serious illness such as cancer. I apologise in advance because I know many people have been affected by such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I also don't want to become ill to gain attention from others. I just don't want to be "well", physically or mentally. It's like I don't think I deserve any better.
And so the obsessional thoughts continue to affect my concentration and sleep until I am back in a pit of depression and despair. I also ignore my friends and don't turn up for lectures, despite being in a better mood. This time I am obsessing over taking an overdose and am seriously planning on doing it I just don't want to be well.
Why am I like this?? I have never told anyone this before because I know these thoughts are so disgusting and believe it or not I am a really caring person (Just not to myself!). Is this pattern of self destruction more than just depression?
And should I tell my counsellour about this, as it is definitely impeding any progress and is probably the reason I have never responded to CBT in the past too!
I don't see myself ever breaking this cycle and can see ending it all is the way out now
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