Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi all I'm new to this forum but have been meaning to post for a while. I'm 21 and have experienced anxiety and depression for going on 6/7 years now. It has always held me back and continues to as I'm currently failing at university. Up until the last month I have always rejected any offers of medication, but being in my 3rd year I thought it was time to give it a try and have started a course of 20mg citalopram.
Initially, it made me worse and last week I was in a very bad way, however in the last few days my mood has levelled out and I now feel "normal" again.
But suprisingly it's when I feel "normal" that I feel worse than when I have an extremely low mood. When the episode of depression begins to ease off I experience obsessional thoughts about self harm, suicide, reckless behaviour such as drinking excessively, I even fantasize about having a serious illness such as cancer. I apologise in advance because I know many people have been affected by such a horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I also don't want to become ill to gain attention from others. I just don't want to be "well", physically or mentally. It's like I don't think I deserve any better.
And so the obsessional thoughts continue to affect my concentration and sleep until I am back in a pit of depression and despair. I also ignore my friends and don't turn up for lectures, despite being in a better mood. This time I am obsessing over taking an overdose and am seriously planning on doing it I just don't want to be well.
Why am I like this?? I have never told anyone this before because I know these thoughts are so disgusting and believe it or not I am a really caring person (Just not to myself!). Is this pattern of self destruction more than just depression?
And should I tell my counsellour about this, as it is definitely impeding any progress and is probably the reason I have never responded to CBT in the past too!
I don't see myself ever breaking this cycle and can see ending it all is the way out now
3 likes, 8 replies
titabeth absjbs
Posted
Finding our why we suffer from depression is not easy, but seeking help and talking to real people is the first step. Good luck, and please love yourself, love yourself and then love yourself some more.
titabeth absjbs
Posted
hypercat absjbs
Posted
I don't think I have helped you at all with this but at least you know you are not on your own. Stay with us here as we all support and help each other. Take care
Bev xx
evergreen absjbs
Posted
It may be that citalopram isn't the right drug for you. Please go back to your GP and let him know you are haaving suicidal thoughts. Some anti depressants make things worse. You are also in such a stressful time of life, coming up to finals; I really feel for you. You must go back to your GP ASAP.
anne240 absjbs
Posted
Please don't feel you are alone in these thoughts. And you deserve better, it is just the depression talking again. We are so negative when we have this illness.
I have planned my suicide, wanted to do reckless things, etc. I know it was my illness. We isolate ourselves and find it difficult to be in the company of others, even friends and family.
I hope the anti depressant makes you feel better. Let us know how you get on. Yes tell the counsellor everything, that is what they are for. Don't bottle things up.
absjbs
Posted
Sorry for the lengthy reply, these last couple of days have not been good as I all I have been able to think about is thoughts of taking an overdose/jumping off of a building.
I have a gp appointment on thursday and don't know how to tell him so that he will take me seriously and not think that I am just attention seeking.
Im really worried im going to act on these urges because thy are way stronger than the rational part of my brain that is telling me not too. I have tried samaritans but they're not very useful because the urge is just so strong! Its like someone with an addiction resisting the urge to give in
evergreen absjbs
Posted
absjbs evergreen
Posted
I live with other students in a shared house who I get on well with but have no idea that anything is going on because all of them have said before that depression isnt real and people are just lazy etc so I know it would only make things worse to tell them. They are all out in the day so I just sleep all day and pretend I have been into uni so they dont think im being "lazy"
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