day13

hi carl, yeah I know what you are saying, it's not easy living in isolation @ times, sometimes I enjoy my own company, other times I do'nt, I crave for human contact, but then when I have company, sometimes I have to escape, it's bizzare behaviour on my part. Today I have the distraction of workmen in the house, which is okish, do'nt have a choice in the matter' excessive sweating for the 1st time today which scared me as I had a heart problem earlier this year, but apparently fluoxetine can cause that so I've calmed down again. thankyou for contacting me, I do appreciate it. I may try get that book you mentioned see if that helps.. .....

You and me, both, David. Want company until I have it, when I want to be alone again.

Heart probelm diagnosed by whom? You or a doctor? Anxiety can cause 'heart problems' that are nothing more than adrenaline pumping aropund us. Fight or flight stuff.

I'm finding the book to be very helpful - cheap as chips so very good value, too!

Fluoxetine seems to exaggerate our symptoms in the early days - sky-rocketed my anxiety - good for losing weight but damned uncomfortable!! and then some!

Be well and hope it passes soon.

I wonder what you mean by "ultimate goal", Kate. For long enough - several years - my 'Black Holes' of old had become just dips in the road, feeling a bit blue for a day or three - then wham! this one hit me like a tonne of bricks from the sky!!! sent me spiraling down and down into the depths - enough to prod me into seeking help for the first time. Now, I have no idea what an ultimate goal might look like other than to enjoy this moment, even this day. An endless procession of days? Doesn't sound realistic to this old man. Perhaps it would be to recognise the onset of depression/anxiety - the tell-tale early symptoms - and to be able to be acceptng enough that it doesn't escalate.

My NHS psychotherapist gave me the word "acceptance" a couple of weeks ago and I've run with it and now Weekes talks of it in her book. I've always given in to depression before or else fought against it - now acceptance is my watchword.

Ultimate goal. I shall cogitate on that idea. I am inttrigued.

My ultimate goal was having my life back to normal, with no anxiety or depression ........ but yes you're right, if you haven't got there yet it is hard to envisage.

Yes using that word 'acceptance' is really good.  I've used it often enough when I've had a dip ..... I've accepted I'm having one, just gone with the moment, and waited for it to pass.

I've got all of Dr Claire Weekes books - they helped me so much in the early days back in the early 80's - she took all the mystery out of this illness for me.

After years of being very ill, through taking Citralopram I eventually reached my ultimate goal of being back in the land of feeling life was a joy again.  

Ah! Kate - you are wise, indeed. That will do me nicely, thank you very much!

Feeling that life is a joy again.

Oh! yes please!! I watch Syrian kids at play in Lebanon and they are joyful. If they can, I can, too!

Yes, if there's no contentment in doing anything in life, whether it's sitting or being active, it's very hard to cope with, but once that joy and contentment has returned it's truly wonderful.  I think depression sucks that contented feeling out of ones body, making it feel dull and flat, empty with no soul and fearful, so that any joyful experience isn't felt deep inside as it should be.  Looking at a flower, a depressed person just sees a flower, but a well person sees a flower, the colours, the way it gently blows in the wind, the markings on the petals and just marvels at it beauty.  So that ultimate goal to me, is being back to how I should be and being able to feel joy at anything, rather than just 'seeing' it flat.

Sorry, I'm waffling now :-)

Yes hard to imagine the Syrian children playing happily with so much happening in their lives at the moment.

 

You are so right, Kate - I remember from before my back gave out. It came in moments for me when I was aware that I was truly happy and glad to be alive - it hasn't happened since May 1st 2013 when my back gave up. BUT slowly and surely my back is finding a new 'normal' and I'm improving my mobility and my mood is improving so it could just be that I can find joy again. It will be a new joy - like for those Syrian  kids - and a different joy to the old one - but still joy. I can imagine that!

Strange you speak of seeing flowers! It was one of my anti-depressant techniques to go out for a walk and discover as many flowers in gardens as I could find. Going out to find roses or flowers. It worked well!

Staying warm and dry will do for today!! Four weeks in, half way there!

Sorry to hear you have a back problem.  As a back sufferer too I have found the best thing for my daily back pain is yoga!  I can't express enough how it's helped ..... and I've had physio, acupuncture, Chiro etc., and though all helped, it wasn't a cure all.  Yoga is mmmmmmm :-)  Mind you, I suppose it depends on what back problem you have, as there's so many things that can go wrong.  No fun, whatever the problem is though.  It's good for relaxation and the soul too.

How lovely going out to find many different flowers.  Great idea!

Hoping each week gets better for you Carl.

 

How I wish yoga or any exercise could help my back - but it is bluttered at seven levels because of curvature and thus pinching the spinal chord and exiting nerves. Seven levels makes it inoperable so I'm stuck with it. It has calmed down now so I treat it gingerly. Currently trying to stretch my leg muscles so I can stand more upright and maybe walk a little further.

This condition is a major part of what spiralled me into depression but i'm glad to say I seem to be leaving that behind - Flu and I between us. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance!

My cat is still with us and doing just fine!! Symptoms have all cleared up but he still has the large 'lump' inside the right side of his head - not that he seems to be aware of it. He's active and putting on weight again. Great to have him around still!

Well that was a completely self-centred reply, Kate!

How are you doing? You sound good and I hope it is that way for you.

It's not a self centred answer Carl, of course you need to talk about your back.  Talk as long as you like .... I'm all ears :-)  I'm sorry to hear of the back problems, sounds painful and restrictive indeed.  I went to physio a while back for special stretch exercises, some people only able to do them from sitting.  But yes you're right, stretching leg muscles or whatever you can do certainly helps with mobility.

We have a lady in our yoga class who has cerebral palsy, so is unable to do some of the poses, but has a chair so she can adapt them to suit her.

But yes, stretch your muscles if you can.  Even a little is better than none.  I hope it helps you to become more upright :-)

Sorry to hear your physical condition is what spiralled you into depression.  As if you haven't enough to contend with.  Indeed ... medication, lots of acceptance and this site too.

Glad to hear the little fella is doing well and gaining weight!  What a super-cat!  I can tell you're great companions for each other :-)

Yes I'm doing well thanks, feeling quite good in myself, but of course still worrying for my son.  I hope it picks up for him soon too ..... though he's come a long way already since he was first ill.

Yup! I'm ready for physio  now - mentally and physically - and dare I say it - emotionally. My mood really has picked up - not back to joy yet, but moving along that path, I think.

My back, gifted to me by generations of forebears on my father's side and unknowingly passed on to my son, takes a bit of accepting. I mean, it's there, I know that, seen the x-rays - but accepting in the Claire Weekes way - emotionally. I'm getting there, albeit slowly - giving it time.

Good news your son is improving, too! Here's hoping he's well again real soon!

hi Jeanette thanks for getting back to me it's a catch 22 situation with the headaches is'nt it? caused by stress, so when I've got a headache I stress even more!! but I wont give up, I've got this far and survived, on day 15 today, yipeeee. saying that I do'nt feel great, but weird things like crap weather depress me, and it's pretty wild up here today. hope you continue to feel better Jeanette, and the pesky headaches go away, caio....