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For most of my life I’ve been depressed or different in some form, although it became prevalent in middle school. My parents fought over everything and we were very unhappy, if my mother became angry with me or my siblings she would walk out the door and leave, then come back later. As I got older this got worse till eventually they divorced in a nasty domestic violence situation. To this day I can’t remember truly if and physical altercation happened or if my mother was only accusing my father to get out. After that my mother went on a spree of boyfriends and eventually married one, an alcoholic that was abusive, stole money from her, and molested my little sister before she left. I moved out with my father before this could happen. I struggled with depression after all of this on top of my overly critical father. I will admit that I hoped for along time for a boyfriend to love me bc I didn’t feel loved at home. I’ve known my bf for several years before hand and had a crush on him for a while before we started dating. This is both of our first actual relationship I will note. I became so happy whenever we started dating. I smiled all the time, something I haven’t done in years. After a bit we were both awkward and affection wasn’t coming bc we were both scared to do something wrong. We slowly started being close but I would become paranoid about little things such as him not complementing me a whole lot and think it meant he didn’t like me but I still loved him unconditionally and would cry if those intrusive thoughts would come. It got better for a bit after we kissed but I then became paranoid and jealous that he would leave me. It got better and then he started drifting away from what I know know as my negative view about myself. It was a turnoff for him subconsciously and he still loved me but his mind was pushing him away. He also isn’t that affectionate of a person to begin with. We spoke about items started working on it but I became so paranoid because of my past full of lies and depressed that I hadn’t even been able to recognize when he did do something. We fought a lot over it and then communication started to get better again but then I got very bad intrusive thoughts about that I was a lesbian and he could never love me and I felt increasingly guilty to the point that I was prepared to take my life. I finally opened up to him about it and it seemed fine but then the intrusive thoughts that I didn’t love him came and I was convinced that it was bc he wasn’t affectionate every moment of the day. I begged and pleaded and we fought a lot bc I would upset and he wouldn’t understand why I couldnt See that he was trying(he really was) eventually one day I decided I gave up after a big fight, I didn’t cry or care. I look back on all of this now and realize how stupid it was. Now later on he goes on a retreat camp and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling angry and anxious and my mine telling me I have to break up with him. I started crying and now I haven’t been able to stop feeling anxious about it ever since. Sometimes I wonder f the anxiety will go away but. I really do love him and care for him and I feel like the depression is hiding it. I’ve had doubts of what if I’m afraid of being alone bc he’s my only friend but I don’t think those are true and I really do love him somewhere deep inside me. Could this really be my messed up mind? He is the only person I’ve ever been able to open up and talk to and I’m not ready to loose him.
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