Depressed and loosing everything for my boyfriend

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For most of my life I’ve been depressed or different in some form, although it became prevalent in middle school. My parents fought over everything and we were very unhappy, if my mother became angry with me or my siblings she would walk out the door and leave, then come back later. As I got older this got worse till eventually they divorced in a nasty domestic violence situation. To this day I can’t remember truly if and physical altercation happened or if my mother was only accusing my father to get out. After that my mother went on a spree of boyfriends and eventually married one, an alcoholic that was abusive, stole money from her, and molested my little sister before she left. I moved out with my father before this could happen. I struggled with depression after all of this on top of my overly critical father. I will admit that I hoped for along time for a boyfriend to love me bc I didn’t feel loved at home.  I’ve known my bf for several years before hand and had a crush on him for a while before we started dating. This is both of our first actual relationship I will note. I became so happy whenever we started dating. I smiled all the time, something I haven’t done in years. After a bit we were both awkward  and affection wasn’t coming bc we were both scared to do something wrong. We slowly started being close but I would become paranoid about little things such as him not complementing me a whole lot and think it meant he didn’t like me but I still loved him unconditionally and would cry if those intrusive thoughts would come. It got better for a bit after we kissed but I then became paranoid and jealous that he would leave me. It got better and then he started drifting away from what I know know as my negative view about myself. It was a turnoff for him subconsciously and he still loved me but his mind was pushing him away. He also isn’t that affectionate of a person to begin with. We spoke about items started working on it but I became so paranoid because of my past full of lies and depressed that I hadn’t even been able to recognize when he did do something. We fought a lot over it and then communication started to get better again but then I got very bad intrusive thoughts about that I was a lesbian and he could never love me and I felt increasingly guilty to the point that I was prepared to take my life. I finally opened up to him about it and it seemed fine but then the intrusive thoughts that I didn’t love him came and I was convinced that it was bc he wasn’t affectionate every moment of the day. I begged and pleaded and we fought a lot bc I would upset and he wouldn’t understand why I couldnt See that he was trying(he really was) eventually one day I decided I gave up after a big fight, I didn’t cry or care. I look back on all of this now and realize how stupid it was. Now later on he goes on a retreat camp and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling angry and anxious and my mine telling me I have to break up with him. I started crying and now I haven’t been able to stop feeling anxious about it ever since. Sometimes I wonder f the anxiety will go away but. I really do love him and care for him and I feel like the depression is hiding it. I’ve had doubts of what if I’m afraid of being alone bc he’s my only friend but I don’t think those are true and I really do love him somewhere deep inside me. Could this really be my messed up mind? He is the only person I’ve ever been able to open up and talk to and I’m not ready to loose him.

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  • Posted

    Note: I am wanting to get help, but bc my dad believes alli need to do is open up to my step mom he has come up with excuses that I have to have both of my parents to sign off on therapy and won’t let my mother be involved. The state I live in has laws that state that since I am over 16, that I am able to get outpatient mental health care without any parental permission
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  • Posted

    Thatgoatgirl

    You are of age now to take responsibility for your own Mental Health, you are best to move on with those problems in your own way. The situation you are in will be best treated by an outside source, from family because of all the problems you have gone through in the past. Your worries and concerns are part of growing up, you teen/adult life can be effecting your relationships caused by a muddled family past.

    Initially I would advise an appointment with your GP and a possible course of CBT may help you address the past and allow you to be able tocome to terms with your life and past events

    I had bad family memories and I put up with those for fifty years. Eventually I made extensive changes and moved away to an area well away from my family, siblings. In my case it was the right idea. Now I am sixty seven and I wished I had made these decisions earlier as we had no children of our own caused by my disfunctional  family members. So it is quite important you sort out your concerns and move on.

    First time relationships can be very intense, it becomes a problem because both partners feel they will never love again and this intensity becomes a habit and they can be unable to make a sensible decision if the relationship has become problematic. You need to understand you will love again if the relationship is over.

    Your worries and concerns are not unusual so try and talk out your problems and if the partnership is not working, move on. It is easier to start again than get married, then part and then move on

    Discuss with your GP the disfunction that was your family when young and explain your fears, He may introduce a treatment pathway to put your life into some perspective

    BOB

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  • Posted

    The arguments stopped and we do everything to work things out. The relationship itself is working. I feel that I love and very close to him when I am with him, it happens when I am away from him. It makes me sick to think I have to loose the first person I’ve ever been able to truly open up to. I know I love him but it started with me over analyzing that I didn’t feel butterflies every time I kissed him. I want to be able to be happy again with him at all possible. He is very much an amazing person that I can’t imagine a life without.
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  • Posted

    That all sounds normal. Crazy but super normal. We loom for love from others onto know how to love ourselves because we weren't loved very well as kids. Eventually we meet someone and it feels great, but also eventually you have to learn to love yourself. Whether alone or not. If your happiness relies on Somone else then you'll be terrified of losing them paranoid jealous etc, and that destroys relationships or else you find Somone just as needy and you stay together out of fear trying to get as much love as you can from them. Like vampires leaching off each other it becomes a fight for your needs. Desperate need is not the same as love. You needed love as a child and didn't get your needs met, but as an adult you can't ask another adult to fulfill the needs you didn't get as a child. Well you can but it is a very unpleasant way to live , always being dependant on Somone else. So everyone either cops onto this and starts learning how to heal and become a person who can love others and enjoy beig loved or you don't cop on to it and you sped years looking for your needs from others sometimes getting them met sometimes losing them always being hungry and desperate and wondering why you can't have a truly happy relationship.  Or a stable one. And that's a normal common way to live. For outside validation. If I just get this job that house if he just txted me more then if be ok ... You could just cut to the chase and be as honest with yourself as possible about the fear of loss. And having Somone who understand that and wants you to learn to love yourself would be the best : Somone who supports you in your journey to finding balance. Hopefully you can both be that for each other. If not others will come along to help you on your way. But it's like if you had parents that never taught you how to walk properly, you could hang on to Somone but the possibility they will drop you in the middle of the road is not a small threat! Better to learn how to walk now and then you can feel secure in yourself rather than like you might be dropped on your ass at any time. Just cos your parents failed to to each you doesn't mean you can't learn now and I'd say most of us are learning this becauseost people are not raised by humans who know how to love themselves and therefore teach their kids. Most people are just living out a hereditary limp and that's fine, everyone got something, but so long as you a te trying to learn to walk yourself and making each other stronger in your own skins that's great, if your making each other weaker or more dependant then that's when ya call yourself co dependant. If ya feel a fraud or jealous deal with those feelings rather than reach out to him to behave in a way that doesn't touch your jealousy. It doesn't matter what someone does he could txt you every five minutes and compliment you ever six but f you don't face your fears yourself you'll never be satisfied. You'll think his compliments are not real or he doesn't mean it you'll drive yourself mad and drive him away rather than just face your prefect ly normal feelings of fear of rejection etc. 

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