Depressed and suicidal

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At times in my life I have months on end where thoughts and bad memories repeat over and over in my head. I have constant anxiety and I often cry because I feel like I am a bad person... Everything I’ve done is done and I can’t take them back. Worst of all, I feel like I can never forgive myself for all of these things. I am a bad person, and I’ll never be a good one. I remember things that I have done in the past 20 years and obsess over mistakes or embarrassing moments. I have many bad habits, and all of them create guilt for me. Marijuana… messes with my brain probably causing irreversible damage. My sexual preferences harm nobody, but they still seem very strange to me which makes me feel disgusting or perverse. My husband suffers when I have mood swings. I can’t watch my son for more than a few hours on my own. I am just not ready to be a mother (or a wife). I have said that I regret having my son, and this is one of the few things I can’t live with.

I have supportive family and friends, but all I can think about is suicide. I wish I could end my life but I don’t want to hurt all of those people. They don’t understand that their lives are better off without my negative impact. Especially my son. What’s worse: having a mother who committed suicide or a mother who regrets having you?

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    I personally see suicide as a cowards way out! I have lost many people near to me who fought for each of their last breaths just to see their children grow up a little bit longer.so I am very against this post. If you feel you can post on here ring your doctors tell them over the phone if you can't face to face how bad you are get into rehab and retrain your brain to forgive forget and move on, take each day as it comes wether you like it or not your child loves you and always will along with your husband. This is a call for help and I'm not qualified to give it. But I urge you to seek it professionally.
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    • Posted

      I guess I cant deal with the embarassment of admitting myself into the hospital... I have been thinking about it though... either way I am still abandoning my family
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    • Posted

      Yes but if you do get admitted at least you can return to your family, with a clear head. It takes time it really does but each journey starts with a single step. Have you tried talking to Samaritans? They are confidential and trained and will have spoken to people in you're situation before. Don't be embarrassed be proud! You have a problem you ask for help! 
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    • Posted

      Hi Angie,

      Your assertions ref. suicide and cowardice only serve to silence people who are feeling suicidal and delay them getting the treatment they need. 

      Such a shame that you feel it is an appropriate comment to leave in an anxiety forum where so many people feel suicidal on a regular basis.

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    • Posted

      I agree being called a coward didnt help, and its true some people will fear admitting thoughts of suicide because they fear the judgement of others.

      My problem is even when I start feeling better and positive, I feel guilty about the time I spent sad/upset and I see the emotional scars I've left on those around me. Thats why I think its not cowardly to end my life, its cowardly to keep myself around them.. adding to the scars. I just wish I could have amnesia and no one would ever tell me all the horrible thoughts I had, and things I've said to the people I love the most. *literally crying*

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    • Posted

      I did not in anyway mean to call someone a coward when they feel this wa, but reading my post back I can see how it looks so I apologise for any offence caused. I Just really want her to seek help and find a way to fight rather than thinking about the ultimate decision.

      i do not understand as my anxiety is mainly fear of dying so someone thinking this is the only way out scares me. I'm truly sorry.

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  • Posted

    You are not a bad person, you poor thing I feel for you!

    You need to fight this don't think about suicide that isn't the good option your child needs you he really does, and you need him have you been to the Dr's? You might have postnatal depression?

    You seem like your in a really bad place but honestly stop thinking so badly think about your family your husband and your beautiful child what more could you want to fight for? You need to see a Dr and get some help don't even think about suicide thatIisn'tthe way aand you will fight this messaged me if you want to talk and chat I suffer with anxiety and depression every single day but I would never leave my daughter behind when I know how much she needs me please take care of yourself

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    • Posted

      I am taking 225 mg of Venlafaxine a day... my dosage was increased from 150 mg a couple of weeks ago.

      I hate taking medication. I wish I could just feel better. Nothing feels better.

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  • Posted

    I have done many things I'm not proud of. I have hurt people who love and loved me. People have hurt me too. You can't live in the past! I know exactly how you feel but I have fought it and asked for help. Someone recently stopped talking to me and I just wanted to die because I didn't want this person not to be a part of my life. Like he always told me, you have no control of what others do. We only have control of ourselves. I have embraced that more than ever and fight every day to live. When I began thinking that my boys were better off without me, I took myself to the hospital. I knew I was in trouble because they are the reason I breath. I'd become unrecognizable. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel but your family needs you and they would be glad to see you seek help. They love you and only want the best for you. As for your past, write it all down on balloons and let them go. Let them go with the wind and start fresh. Here and now is what matters -- I promise you! The people who love you will stay and will be there for you in good and bad times. You sound like a beautiful person who lost her way but with a little help, you'll get back on track. It will not happen overnight but it will happen. I wish you the best and please, go to the hospital to get the help you deserve!

    Jacqueline

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  • Posted

    I too suffer from anxiety and depression. Are you being treated for either. I think all intelligent human beings have thought of suicide. It is a thought of self protection sort of. Just DON'T do it. As they say it is a permanent solution to a temporarly problem. I know where you come from also because not 1 person in this world can help you. I am a christian so I am able to know that this life will pass and I pray because only God, for me, can know what and why things are going on. I take antidepressant for sometimes  months and feel what I think normal may be and then it gradually wears off and I start the climb again. As far as anxiety, I am 61 and can never think of a time that I didn't have it. I remember being 5 years old and watching I Love Lucy and worrying about Lucy getting in trouble for doing something from Ricky and actually being upset by it. I have always grinded my teeth from about the same age and it was so bad my sis didn't want to sleep with me cause it kept her awake and now I have broken so many teeth that soon I will have to try to come up with the money to try to have what teeth I have left or broken all pulled and get dentures and that causes me even more anxiety. My daughter was just hit in our van by an 18 wheeler and  now when my kids go anywhere I worry. This world it full of terrrible things and they all make me angry and worried even on my meds but the only peace I get is from my faith. Do you have anything like that to go to when you are feeling alone? I am sorry that you lost someone to suicide but the fact that you were affected by it tells you not to do that to others you may love. I fortunately never regretted my children but you may have depression from hormones that never went back to normal after having your son. Were you like this when you were younger. Mine as far as depression didn't start until my teens and was tolerable until my 40's after my husband was disabled then it came on like a rocket. Mood swings I have too but you could also have bi-polar. These things are NOTHING to be embarassed about or ashamed of. They are just chemical imbalances and they do run in families. All my kids now adults are on meds. My siblings have issues and my dad and his brother did. I know that it can be inherited but it went wild in my family. Not all admit that they have trouble but you don't have to look too far to see it. You are lucky you have family and friends that are supportive. Even my mother doesn't understand it but she is in her 80's and doesn't get alot of things. That is why it is important to have people with these things to talk with and GO see a good dr. ASAP. If you find you don't like one, find another. I am on my 3rd and I am really happy with her and she helps alot. And the obession thing? Do it all the time. So does one of my kids. It is normal for us. Not all will have it but some do. It amazed me that my other 2 don't. Same daughter and I have issues with guilt as well. No reason for it but we do and if I am reading what you wrote correctly you do as well? Don't worry about the things you have done. It cannot be taken back but if you can apologize to someone or make right what is wrong then by all means do and try to refrain from making those same mistakes again. Pot may not be good but only you can decide for yourself if it affects you adversely. I would not do it around my child. But I really encourage you to see someone even if it is only your GP. I pray that you have insurance of some kind. If I can be of any help please let me know and if you don't pray, try it and don't do it informally. Just talk to him like to would talk to any one else. He already knows cause he is your heavenly father and knows what you need already. He just wants you to ask. Hope that anything I said helps in some way!
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  • Posted

    Thank you everyone for giving me support when I needed it.

    I am feeling much better today but still have to visit my doctor.

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    • Posted

      Good and we are always here and we all have a bond and that is taking it one day at a time. Don't buy trouble by thinking ahead. Just take it as it comes. Good luck at the Dr.
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