Depressed boyfriend doesn't know how he feels.

Posted , 25 users are following.

Long story short (ish):

My boyfriend of a year and a half told me he has suffered from depression for many years. The reason he aditted it to me was because he would be there one minute then the next not speak to me for days without any warning.

That went on for awhile, but recently it got much worse. We were perfectly happy and fine (our relationship has been pretty strong minus the depression) and I lost my temper after we had plans and he just ditches them which happens fairly frequently in our relationship. He says this is the only way he knows how to deal with it and it doesnt have to do with me.

These past 2 months have been different. When i expressed my anger for taking my time for granted, i stopped hearing from him for over a month! Not one word. I tried to reach out to him but he would never reply to any messages. I finally decided to call him to ask how he feels and if we are still together and he could no give a 'yes' or 'no' answer- only 'I dont know'. I asked if it was the depression or just me and he replies 'this is what im trying to figure out'.

I know the common answer would be to walk away..but i truly know he doesnt mean what he says and really does love me and it's the depression talking.

How long could this last for?

Obviously have felt so heartbroken from all of this, but I think I have made myself too available. He always knows he can do that and me just forgive him. Should I just wait for him to message for now on and show him what it would be like me not always being there?

1 like, 36 replies

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  • Posted

    I'm LITERALLY in the same boat. Here's the link to my thread: https://patient.info/forums/discuss/depressed-boyfriend-dumped-me-please-help-me-make-sense-of-this--403263?page=0#1350196

    I don't know what to tell you. We were also pretty great together until he started feeling low again. I'm just giving him space, not contacting him, and I guess if and when he wants to contact me, he will... until then I don't really think there's anything I - or you - can do...

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    • Posted

      It's tough..but I feel giving them space is what they may have needed all along to allow them to build themselves again? Hopefully when/if that successfully happens, they will realize and come back. Only time will tell sadly.
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    • Posted

      At least he didn't break up with you explicitly. Just leave him alone for now, don't make him feel pressured that he has to be there for you as well, and he'll be back - if that's what you want.  I don't want that anymore wink I feel relieved being out of my relationship, as selfish as this sounds, but mine was also very emotionally and verbally abusive.
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    • Posted

      Oh and the 'I don't know' answers - standard. No point even pushing for anything explicit. I threw my ex a party just 2 weeks ago for his birthday, and when I asked him if he wanted to see his friends on that day: 'I don't know.' 'Do you want to see me?' "I don't know' etc. etc. - you can imagine the delightful phone conversation we had. He was very happy to have his birthday party though... and then dumped me a week later.
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    • Posted

      Yes, not to be too needy is the answer.

      From your post, I feel like you haven't been selfish for a long while so now it is your turn. When you show that you dont need him, that will show him the respect you have for yourself that he wasnt giving! Good job for being strong through a VERY challenging time.

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    • Posted

      Yeah, you probably sense that I want him back. But I know that it would not be the right thing. I don't think it's about 'neediness'. Look at yourself - you didn't hear from him for a month!!!! If you want to hear from your boyfriend, hug him and be near to him after a week of not talking - does this make one needy? Let alone a month! You're the strong one, I would not have lasted this long (I usually last for a week before I demand answers why he's behaving this way). There's a fine line between someone being depressed and someone being an a**hole. The illness might make them act a certain way, but it certainly can't be separated from the person.
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    • Posted

      Yeah, mine 'doesn't know' either. He only knows that he's feeling 'empty' inside. My other reply is getting moderated because I used a curse word wink But to summarise: I thin you're the strong one if you can go through a month of no communication. I don't think it is needy at all to have your own needs and wanting to hear from your boyfriend at least once a week! I certainly wanted and needed that. It is not like some women who send their guys 30 texts a day... mine wouldn't reply to one and I'd leave him alone.
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    • Posted

      Yeah I dont know how I have done it. I just asdumed it was a bad depression episode and had no clue he was confused about us. Right now I see very little effort, so I feel I need to let him miss me and know what it's finally like to not have me there.
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    • Posted

      Leah, I'm new here and have been following this thread. You and melle have my exact situation but my ex is in Brazil. Lovely. LDRs are the worst.

      Have you heard from him? Do you know if he went back on meds or sees a therapist?

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    • Posted

      Hello this caught my attention my boyfriend suffers depression we had been struggling with a few things a teenager is one we are usually so close when he stopped saying he loved me I sat down and talk to him he told me he shutdown with is depression shutdown is like there no care or feelings for anything he told me it was hard to say it right now do to the fact he feel like he shut down but knows he still loves me know inside that he does my feeling are how is this suppose to make me feel better how do you not k ow you love someone how can u say even though I've shut off everything I know I do how do u deal with that
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  • Posted

    Just a comment on the 'I don't know' thing. I have been in the situation where you just don't know and it's horrible. He obviously cares about you otherwise he would say either yes (lie to you) or no (just dump you). He is probably being as honest as he can possibly be with you, frustrating I know but unless you want him to live a lie then there is literally nothing more he can do. It's probably tearing him apart inside and part of him probably thinks splitting up will be better for you anyway. Its hard but I would sit and wait if you can. But also look out for yourself. You're not responsible for how he's feeling and if it's too hard for you then that's ok. Good luck smile
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your advice.

      The frustrating and confusing part is just how out of the blue it is. I think me letting him go for awhile to give him time to respect himself will hopefully show him i cant put up with the silence but allow him to have this time he needs to gain respect for himself that he was lacking.

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    • Posted

      Yea, mine was out of the blue, too. I was supposed to be flying out today to Brazil to see him for a week, bought my ticket in March, and last Friday, on FB im no less, he ended things. Said he didn't want me to come anymore and we couldn't be together. Just like that. So much pain...
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