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My boyfriend broke up with me October 6th, 2015. It's been 7 months and I'm still not over him, I don't think I can get over him honestly.
He was diagnosed with Anxiety at the age of 13. He's been seeing a doctor (of course) and a Psychologist ever since. And he told me it helped him a lot. But he still has his times now and then, and sometimes it's a lot worse than other times - for example in this case.
He had been acting strange the whole previous week (before we broke up), ever since he went to the doctor on friday the 2nd. We were supposed to go out on Saturday, but when I got home on Friday and we were Skyping, I could sense he was gonna cancel it somehow? Like, I knew he was in really bad mood, and he didn't wanna talk to me about it. He didn't even wanna talk about what happened when he went to see his Doctor. And I found this really strange because he always used to tell me things, and it would be no big deal at all. But he was just really moody that day when he got home, and I knew even tho he wasn't gonna tell me directly, he was gonna cancel our date the next day. But even tho he was in such a bad mood, he was still being that loving boyfriend I still love him for. We talked for hours, and out of nowhere he said he was really glad to have me by his side, and how much he loved me, etc.
And then during the weekend, he would message me and try to talk about our relationship, and what would be best for me etc. But I already knew where it was going, so I logged off my pc for few days until I thought it would get better. And I even told him I wasn't feeling well, so I wouldn't be online for some time. I was so scared, I didn't want it to end.
Thursday I got home from school, and finally logged on my pc again. This is how our convo went:
Me: I want you to contact me whenever you feel like. 'Cause I know you won't respond when I message you, and that's fine too, I know you're not ready yet. Just thought you should know, so that you won't think I've forgotten about you.
Him: I'm not ready for what? I just don't have anything left to say.
Me: To talk to me about things?
Him: I've already told you how I feel about you. And that's that.
Me: I don't know what you mean. I don't even know what's going on, this whole situation is just confusing.
Him: I've tried to dump you, but you just won't accept it. That's all.
Him: I just don't feel the same for you anymore. And I don't see this relationship going anywhere.
Me: Then what about all the things you said few days ago? None of that matters anymore?
Him: Nope. It's over.
Me: Everything was fine until you went to the Doctor.. Why won't you tell me what happened?
Him: Nothing's changed. I'm just being honest.
Me: I don't know what or how, but suddenly everything changed. If you were being honest, you would have talked about this properly.
Him: It's over. And that's just how it is.
Me: I'm not holding you back either. It's okay.
Him: I know this sounds mean. But if you still wanna be friends, then that's fine.
Me: We're not gonna get anything out of it anyway.
Him: Alright then.
After that I deleted him.
Then 4 months later he contacts me out of nowhere. And starts casually talking to me again. And I asked him why he contacted me again. And he replied with "Because I was bored", so after that we kinda got into a fight. Of course I got mad at him, because here I was trying so hard to forget him, and suddenly he thinks he can play with my feelings again.
Three months later (AKA 2 weeks ago basically) I contacted him. I still wasn't over him at all, and nothing had changed, it was still as hard as ever. Especially at nights I would get really sad and start thinking about him, and I dreamt a lot about him too ever since we broke up. I thought if maybe we were friends again, I would get over him easily. So that night I contacted him, we were skyping, and he told me EVERYTHING that happened after we broke up. Apparantly, he dropped out of school for being "absent" for MONTHS in a row. (And that wasn't the first time either) He was trying to forget about me by going out partying with his friends?? And one night he started punching himself/banging his head against a wall?? A lot had happened, and I'm not gonna mention everything, but it was really bad. I told him everything too because I did some really dumb sh*t. I started cutting, and one night I attempted suicide, but my mom read the message I sent her on the phone too early (I thought she was asleep since it was really late) and she rushed to our house (my parents are divorced) and called the day shift/police, and I kinda got in trouble, but I'll not go into details right now since I'm in a hurry. I started smoking too, but quit after 2 days because I was feeling guilty towards my mother for some reason. BUT YEA YOU GET IT, we talked about everything, and got everything off our chests and it was really nice. He said he still had feelings for me, and he just lied when he broke up with me, because he didn't know what else to say.
We were friends for a week, but I realized I started to grow more attached to him each day. I spoke with my mom and told her about the whole situation, and she told me not to be friends with him anymore, because I still had feelings towards him, and it would get worse for me. So I told him that last week, and we agreed that we shouldn't be friends anymore, he said it was alright too even tho he was happy to talk to me again.
But now I don't know what to do. I WANNA CONTACT HIM SO BADLY, I miss him so much. I just... Feel so lost?
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