Depression?

You know now I think about it, I haven't had the best time. Everything was good when I was little. But I still worried, when I heard my parents were struggling to pay the rent. Then I used to worry about them not being here no more. Then I used to worry about my mum being late thinking something happened to her. That was all when I was like 10 or younger. My mum got ill, I was young I didn't understand. I knew she had cancer but I didn't know she was gonna die from it. Years went and she did get weaker and I carried on worrying. Then the day came when my world started to fall apart. I was 12 and mum was rushed to hospital after a funny turn and 2 weeks after she had passed away. My life was a blur, i cried every night hugging my mums pillow smelling her smell. Funeral went with a blur and from then life was just one massive void. I can't really remember much off the last 9 years. Carried on worrying about my dad. He carried on and still does drinking. I had a little boy at 18 and then a little girl at 21 and it's been very hard. I feel alone, like I'm living life because I have to. Like I have no purpose. I do the same thing everyday looking after the kids. I have no get up and go, don't go anywhere really. I feel down constantly have done for a few years. I think everyday that I'm wasting my days doing nothing. I can't see myself being happy. I haven't felt truly happy in a long time and i won't be able to feel carefree for a while as my kids are still small (2yrs and 6ms) I feel anxious. I have panic attacks. I have anxious thoughts, I just feel like I'm dying and it's only a matter of time. I haven't been to the doctors about this. I know I should but I'm worried about the effects of antidepressants. I'm only 21 and I feel so crap  

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