Depression and Anxiety

Sorry i have limited internet access which restricts my text (characters) capacity per message.

Continuing. My Depression is at a level now that i feel... lifeless. Probably the best way to describe it. No energy, feel numb and as if i'm in a dream every day. I hate myself for being like this. Feeling alot of pain (not physical. Well not always) even with just thinking. Its all i do. Think about the past.

I have 2 family members who have commited suicide in my lifetime. Both males. 1 i knew pretty well. I think about it myself regularly. Hanging is the 1 that i can't get out of my head. Everyday. I'm scared that i'll give in and just do it. I've had a fear of harming myself. That fear is starting to fade now as i purposely restricted my breathing an hour ago in a sence of giving up. Not very productive. But the intent was there. I don't see myself getting help in the near future. And that scares me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Michael.

Hi

Thought I'd put in my penny's worth here. First of all, I think you need to set yourself a goal. Every new day there's a 50/50 chance that your depression and anxieties might improve for the better, and it wouldn't be right to deny yourself that possibility. Sometimes we are overwhelmed by a negative exaggeration of our own worth, which, when the cloud lifts, makes us wonder how we ever allowed such thoughts to dominate. We all have the ability to think well of ourselves but sometimes it needs a 'key' of understanding to actually switch our thinking from automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) to something more positive. Personally, I survived a similar situation to yours by forcing myself to believe that I alone was master of my own thoughts and I insisted to myself that negative thinking was doing me no good...i.e. it was my choice which mindset I allowed to dominate my thinking. Gradually, the momentum of denying my negativities, forcibly if necessary, brought me back to a better sense of worth. While I was depressed I wasn't assessing myself properly, but couldn't see this.

So, give yourself time and set some goals, and hopefully, things will change without having to make major adjustments.

Hello Michael I am a lot older than you but know exactly how you are feeling. I am surprised your doctor did not prescribe anti-depressants maybe you should consider going to another doctor and inform him that the suicide thoughts are becoming more and more real and less frightening. When you are depressed your mind does not think straight your focus becomes an obsession and that is not good for anyone. When you feel you want to end it all think about the ones you love and that love you, think how it would be for them if you did such a thing. The pain they would feel would be the most awful thing in the world and you wouldn’t want to cause them any pain would you? Hanging is the most awful, terrible way for a loved one to find the one they love and to try and understand why! I am not sure I agree with the previous persons advice I don’t think this is something that can be done alone, I think because of my experience that you need help, Anti-depressants work by changing the chemicals in the brain that effect your mood and I think this might help you as I don’t believe that you really do want to kill yourself. They worked for me and I know people who also have been helped by them so as I said maybe you should see another doctor. Please keep trying to get help no-one should have to go through what you are going through alone you do need some help. Good luck and take care

Good advice.

Hello and well done for posting, it can be hard to ask for help. I have had too many years of depression and really would advise you to find another GP. Medication should give you that leg up to start looking at things differently.

Take care

All I can say is hang in there, once your down the only way is up. Tell your family they care about you soo much. I agree with Gerry the neck setting your self a goal each day or each week. Go on a holiday, watch skateboarding massive failure compilation on youtube this helps me sometimes when i'm down.

I appreciate everything that has been said. Thanks for replying. Sorry it took so long to reply back. I've been hesitant to check back here.

I don't feel any better. Definitely feeling worse. It seems that you have to search around for help on your own as the doctors are well and truly useless. I've been trying to get help for depression for too long. And at this point in time i haven't gotten any help. The doctors tell me there isn't alot they can do. A doctor with the NHS was shock with this in regards to the area where i live, said there should be more that can be done then basically gave me nothing. Its painful to see how little people actually care. Something i find difficult to understand even with the environment i grew up in. Had to look for help myself. I called COPE. Made me an appointment. But i wont beable to make it as the journey is a bit much. It seems there is no help closer to home.

I would like to say something to poppet doll and i hope you do read this. First of all, thank you for your post. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply back.

As to the suicide. What you said is 1 of the reasons why i am still alive today. The fear of my family finding me. But i already have my own ideas to avoid that. I've had alot of time to think. Too much time. I've even sat for hours mentally planning it. Not nice. But neither is being alive when you feel so dead. I feel i probably am closer to acting on ending my own life. But the fear is still there. Mostly the fear of the future. Not my own. But my mothers and 2 brothers. I'm the older brother. But still. Why should i have to suffer being alive when it's not what i want?

I don't enjoy life. I never have. Happiness is another thing i don't understand. Its foreign to me. I feel like an empty shell. No emotion anymore. Only feeling is pain. I see no way forward. Even then i still don't know what to do. Never was good at making decisions.

I have been like you are and i didnt realise how mant people suffer like we do sometimes some medication can bring this on ask your doctor if you can have a councillor also i was adviced years ago to get a book called claire weeks self help for your nerves and i thought the book had been written about me it was just how i am she was a phychiartrist in australia who had a break down her self so she wrote a few self help books they are brilliant you cant go it alone love your doctor has to help or get a second opinoin good luck there is always some one on here who will listen to you be strong YOU CAN DO IT

Hi, I must stress that I have no medical expertise whatsoever but I have suffered severe clinical depression and still have times when I am unhappy. Maybe I was lucky, but when I went to the doctor, he put me on a low dose of an anti-depressant and after about 3 weeks I began to feel a bit better. Even now after many years I am still taking half a tablet because stopping them altogether brought the dreaded feelings back. I feel that your biggest mistake is to keep your feelings to yourself and not to allow your family to help you as I am sure they will. You are probably good at hiding your feelings but it is surely unfair to your family to do it. In my case, my wife was a great source of strength to me and although I may not have admitted quite how bad I felt, she did know that I was unwell. Please find a decent doctor and don't let yourself feel any shame. I know that I was worried about that aspect of it at first but now I talk to people openly about my problems and even feel a bit proud that I did something about it eventually. This is an illness like any other and needs treatment - you wouldn't suffer a headache for months without taking a pill for it would you? Our windaow cleaner was a very jolly sort of chap and was always telling me to look positively at things. One day I read in the paper that he had committed suicide. If he had not hidden his feelings so well I know that I could have, and would have tried to help him. Finally, people DO care; I care and I don't even know you!

Please share your burden with others.

Hi Michael

It sounds as though life is extremely hard for you right now. You paint a vivid picure of how hard it is for you to keep going. Although Samaritans (non-religeous in spite of name) won't give you advice they will listen to you in confidence about the feelings you are experiencing and help you explore any options that might come out of a contact. It is not easy to make the first call but I have a feeling this might be helpful to you. If you do I wish you luck. There are branches all over, but the main number is 08457 909090 at local call rates.

Martin

Hi Michael1. I answer as a fellow sufferer. I know exactly how you feel. I also suffered from crippling depression and tried to figure out how to commit suicide. And no matter what I spoke about, no one really took me seriously. That really frustrated me because all I wanted was one person to really understand what I was saying which was: I feel so bad I don't want to live any more. It was that simply. Thankfully I found that person - a counsellor. It took me a long way to drag myself up but I did in the end.

It's better to consult with doctor before you go ahead with any medications.

Hi Michael

Your fear mixed with numbness sound awful and the fact that you seem to be trying to cope with this on your own must make it a million times worse.

I think talking might help you and as Martin suggests calling samaritans might be worth a try. All that stuff bottled in going round your head needs to go somewhere. It can also help feeling less alone knowing there's someone out there who cares enough to listen.

Your GP doesn't sound very helpful. I suffered from a period of depression a few years ago and basically went and asked for antidepressants and after a couple of weeks started to feel like a different person.

They can really help and with counselling to help come to grips with the pain of your childhood life can get much better. But taking that first step and finding the energy to help yourself can be really tough.

I hope things get better for you.