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Ok, so my insomnia is playing up big style at the moment and I think one of the reasons is because I'm fretting about a new relationship in my life.
Last year I was my mum's carer, she died in October and I couldn't have managed without the support of my fiance (of 11 years). However just before Christmas he told me he didn't know what he wanted anymore but knew he still loved me but wasn't sure if it was like that or not but also had feelings for someone else. All he did know is that he did still want me in his life. He still doesn't know what he wants but that is another story. Now because I was my mum's carer we had very little time for each other over the last year so we didn't really do anything as a couple.
Although, suffice to say I fell apart big style after that news.
So once I picked myself up (with lots of help from my GP) I felt ready to meet people. Now I have been described like Worzel Gummidge in that I have different heads, and my practical head says it's too soon but then my fun head says I need to get out and have some fun.
Now I've sort of met someone, he knows I have had depression before and he hasn't run off. I know at some point I will have to tell him I'm currently under treatment again for it but at the moment I'm just enjoying going out which if that's as far as it goes I'm happy.
Now I doubt myself because my'practical' head says it's too soon, emotionally, health wise, stability wise, and every way possible, but I sort of feel ready. But then my support worker said the other day that he thought I wasn't ready because I spoke about my ex, well I'd seen my ex the day before (we're trying to be friends so went to the cinema), and it has caused me to doubt even more than normal and I haven't slept properly since.
Last time I went through a bad break up I didn't feel like going out seeing anyone for about 18 months but as we haven't done anything as a couple and only saw each other once every few weeks for about a year I don't feel completely like I've only just come out of the relationship, if that makes sense.
But now I'm doubting everything again, how do I know that this 'ready' feeling is that I am ready to go out and meet someone or if it is the depression talking or whether my support worker is right.
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