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20 years old, struggling with depression for my whole childhood starting off from being bullied and has just totally ruined my life for 6 years. Depression runs in my family which you think would be good but it isn't when they are all in denial.
I now suffer from extreme anxiety, social phobias, severe depression and the list goes on..
I'm posting here as I'm past the point of trying and wanting to even deal with this anymore, nothing has helped me, I have a dysfunctional family which cause me more hurt every day and no friends or anybody who even begins to understand how I feel.
I deal with it by totally shutting off my emotions, to the point of where family members have died and I show absolutely no emotion towards their death and almost don't care? I have no absolutely no motivation towards anything and find myself just laying down all day..
The only thing that is keeping me alive is the fact I want a family of my own that I can do my absolute best for and give them the life I never had.. Without that idea in my head and doing well in college I think I would have totally given up by now and probably have been committed..
I have overwhelming thoughts of suicide everyday which is about the only thing I am able to control, it can ruin my life but I won't let it take it. My mood changes are becoming more extreme to the point of where something as simple as somebody looking at me in a smug way could put me into depression for weeks.
You know what's worse? I have travelled all the way to Australia in the hope I could snap my self out of this but now find myself stuck half way across the world more alone and depressed than I have ever felt in my entire life, I have a visa to stay here for a year and I've barely lasted a week.. I had to force myself to be able to fly out here and it has made my fear of talking even worse even though I thought it would help..
I just need any advice or hope of how I can deal with this, I lived with the idea that time is a healer but it is most certainly not in my case, sorry for the long post but thanks for reading if you made it this far but I needed to get it off my chest..
I plan on therapy when I get back but having another month of being alone and being as low as I feel is going to make things worse..
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