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I wondered if anyone could shed any light or help with regard to control issues and manipulative behaviour.
The husband left 9 months ago needing space and suffering Mild Depression, his condition has deteriorated and he is now having anxiety attacks too and showing symptoms of Major Depression. He has refused any form of medication, tried two lots of counselling which he said were useless but told me one of the Psychologist's he had seen had sorted his head? The Psychologoist told him to stop using work as a distraction and start sorting his issues. He thinks he can sort this on his own but so far hasn't managed to. He has moved from the home, away from his family and now his job and emailed me to say he's not mad, he's just unhappy!
When I challenged him about his need for space I asked if I met someone could I have a relationship with them at which point he said he was frightened, when asked why he said it was because I was coping, he had initially said it was a trail separation, gone to sort his head when challenged to now a separation and Divorce as he's sees everything as being both negative and likely to remain permanent.
His depression was brought on by bullying at work, the bully went from the organisation last year but my husband has been left traumatised and is now unable to do relationships with anyone including he said our dead pets? When I talked about the bully he told me that me talking about the bully had got him out of the box? He's said himself he's putting emotions behind shutters. I do sympathise as I've suffered work place bullying myself that's how my anxiety started. He now trusts no one which is understandable, however, we his family have tried to support him, love him and offer all the help we can but we have all been pushed away as has any form of professional help, he's being totally selfish which we understand is the illness.
My husband has chosen to live this new life to control his food, shopping and cleaning and for his space, we have respected his choice and have let him get on with it. However, what saddens us most is he is very manipulative, tells people only what he wants them to hear omits the truth and says he's better when we know he isn't. Even the professionals have asked him to go back to see them and they have heard the contradictions for themselves.
The problem we have now is we are trying to sort finances via solicitors - this was his decision, he refuses to discuss practicalities such as the sale of the family home, he no longer contacts me and uses other people to contact me as a means of avoidance. I've told him point blank that unless he contacts me direct I will not agree to the sale of the home as the company he is planning on using are a quick house sale company and I fear our situation may well be taken advantage of. The company in question needed us to be both be present at yesterday's meeting he told them we were separated and he couldn't come to the home, they suggested they talk to me inside and he wait outside in the car, he said he couldn't be on the premises at which point they became suspicious, I had to explain that he sees the hoe as a bad symbol and associates it with the bad year at work. My daughter and myself had to laugh at that. We are beginning to wonder if lack of communication is a sign he is deteriorating further? He seems to have isolated and withdrawn further. When questioned by the Mental Health Crisis Team Manager he told her he was getting out and about then said he found social situations difficult, then said he didn't go out much? Told the Manager he didn't want us to know where he lived, I had to explain he couldn't even tell our daughter it's a control issue but we know where he lives as he handed in a document with his address on it but does not compute this fact? He's highly intelligent and it has come as a massive shock to us all that he doesn't understand the document has his address on it, in addition to this fresh start he wanted somewhere else has resulted in him coming back to the area we live in which is a 10 minute car drive away?
He fails to grasp the reality that when the home is sold we that my daughter and myself will be homeless! He has failed to respond to solicitors letters asking for release of a small pot of money which would enable my daughter and myself to rent somewhere for our fresh start. I feel really mean knowing he is unwell but feel I have no choice but to fight for the money, our relationship has never been about fighting or money but as we his family see it he has made his choice and we need to move forward with our future plans for our own sanity. His sister seems to think withholding the money is some form of control but I feel I no longer know the person I have been with the past 34 years, it would be easier to negotiate with a toddler having a tantrum! His sister has also had depression and has OCD and his Dad had a breakdown with workplace bullying so it runs in his family too.
Despite telling me he's moved on in his head and he wants his new life he seems to be clinging on or unable to let go for what purpose we have no idea?
As sad as this sounds we've all had to cut him off, he knows we would never abandon him and knows how to contact us if he needs to but we need to cut him loose whilst he's unable to help himself.
I have read research on manipulative behaviour and it suggests challenging them so I've told him straight that despite saying he can't be with me as he doesn't want to hurt me he's hurt each and every one of us and is still doing so by not allowing us to move forward.
Basically he's driving us all mad and any experience of this behaviour would be really appreciated.
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