Depression has its hold on me. Failed to change many times.

Posted , 8 users are following.

So yeah, I'm a 27 year old white male. Army veteran and college graduate. I am currently searching for my new life path using my newly acquired education and prior life experiences. I workout almost every day in the hope that I can fight my way out of this daily battle of self hate.

I had a troublesome childhood. To the extent that my psychologist says I have memory block issues. I cannot recall most of my life before the age of 12 or so. Some kind of defensive mechanism I developed to deal with the hardship of my early life. I was exposed to the harshness of what life has to offer at a very young age and it molded me into the person I am. I have always been called an old soul or to wise beyond my years. And I now understand that at a young age, I became an old man. Understanding the evils of life and the pointlessness of it all. I used to self harm by punching myself and cutting but grew out of that because it did the do anything for me. I tried to kill myself at a very young age but didn't go through with it because I do believe in the hopes of a better TOMORROW. But since then, I literally test myself every few months or so by seeing if it's in me yet to do it. But I still fight on. Even though I'm so tired of fighting.

So now, I just feel.. Useless.

I want to go back to the military for one reason. After longing to be a military man my entire life, I have just now figured out why. I want to die. I don't want to kill myself but I want the most honorable death a man can have. To die for something bigger than himself.

I don't want to give in. I can feel my subconscious telling me to keep going but then the flip side of the coin just tells me it's as easy as a fix as a squeeze of the trigger. All the self hate, worrying about the future, reminiscing on the past mistakes, and longing to be a better version of myself will stop. It sounds, so lovely.

I have friends. I ignore them. I have family. And I rarely spend quality time with them. And when I do, people flock to me to tell me all there issues looking for guidance from me. Like I know wtf I'm doing.. I've had a love of my life that I let go because I let the evil inside me push her away, even though she is better off now.

I guess I just enjoy living in this misery. I seem to self sabotage myself to the point of destruction.

I can't stick to new life changes. Like the whole, new year new me bulls**t. Even with the ambitions of possibly reenlisting and doing something I truly loved to do. Yeah the military isn't easy but at least when I'm suffering, I'm not alone. Everyone suffers in the military. We suffer together. And I miss that.

Drugs and alcohol do nothing for me. I don't like prescription drugs. But have tried SSRI before with decent results but I really wish to not be dependent on drugs to live. Scripts will be the last resort before the final act of hate I would do to myself. So I guess I am open to the idea versus blowing my brains out.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can get a girlfriend if I want to but I don't want to. I can be the life of the party, if I can get myself to go to it. I could have more money than I know what to do with but I don't want for that. I just want to be happy. With who I am. I know I'm not a bad person. I've volunteered my time and give enough to the poor and have and still do risk my life for others. I'm a protector of others. But now I know why, in the hopes that I may die a heros death. But I don't want to be a hero, I just want to die.

How f*cked up is that. I know of people, kids even , who would love to be in my shoes. Would go the distance and beyond if they had what I had. So why the f*ck am I like this?!

There is no quick fix, I know this. And more than likely I will get nothing from this thread other than emails saying people read your message and feel for you. I've read so many of others persons words of how they are struggling as well. But I still feel alone.

But, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Crying myself to sleep. And picking up where I left off the next day. With more tears and fears and wishing for a change.

If you've read all of this, then thank you for your time. I hope to hear from others with words of wisdom and hope.

But I know this isn't going away...


1 like, 9 replies

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Drew

    I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. You are not alone. You appear to be a very hard worker at making something of yourself and with being educated that proves stride.

    You may want to speak to a professional who will be able to bring out all of the pain that is hidden inside of you.

    The release of pain or trauma can do wonders. We need to get that out of our systems in order to move on.

    Please seek professional help. A therapist would really help they know how to talk to people to make them feel comfortable.

    The military if it makes you happy go back but don’t do it to die. By the way thank you for keeping Americans safe. You are honorable. 

    I hope that you are able to feel better about yourself because you are successful and bright and intelligent and I would hate to lose someone like yourself in this world.

    Best of luck and you could always come back here to vent or get support 

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the kind words and to be honest, just venting within that post was a type of a release from the crappy feelings that had overwhelmed me. I do plan on seeking the help from a therapist but I do feel as though it may be a waste of time because I don't think there is anything they will say that I haven't already tried.

      I have always felt that these feelings are normal and everyone has them but some suffer worst than others(ie:mood swings). And those differences in behavior are derived from a lack of hormones and chemicals in the brain. And just as meat taste different when the animal was scared when it was killed, I feel it's the same concept with child/brain development.

      Idk. I don't want to one that relies one meds. Because all I have ever seen from others is that they have to keep increasing their dosage every few months. And I am not a fan of artificial/synthetic means of healing.

      Sorry for rambling. Thank you again for replying. Hope you have nice day.

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  • Posted

    Dear Drew. 

    I hear all the pain in your writing and can only imagine the trauma that you experienced as a child if you have it blocked out. It hurts my heart to think about that for you. 

    You have fought hard and have risen far above that on the outside but on the inside your pain is deep. Since you are already in therapy all I can say is keep working and some day I believe that you will have a breakthrough. I had lots to work through I understand but have freedom from those shadows in the night today. 

    Please write us here as much as you want and as the commercial says " we will leave a light on" we care. Diane

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the kind words. Just hearing others opinions really does help and mean a lot. I have this no quit attitude about me and I promise I'm not ready to quit yet. Many thanks.

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  • Posted

    Hi if you have had a decent result with meds then why not take them?  It doesn't mean you are a druggie, weak, not a man etc,  all it means is that you have an illness and need help.  If for example you broke your leg would you try and tough it out without treatment and pain killers? 

    Meds are usually a temporary measure and can help you get to a place where you feel a bit better and more able to tackle your issues.  Counselling is the way to go and this is easier if your depression has eased a bit.  x

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    • Posted

      Thank you for caring enough to ask and to be honest I really don't want to become dependent in anyway. I have only ever seen other people who take medicine for be it depression or anxiety or other drugs to correct misbalanced chemicals in the brain, they end up increasing the dosages over time.

      With that said, I am willing to take them to keep myself going when things gets to much to handle but I also am kind of a person who believes in the pineal gland and its abilities and many additives in drugs and processed foods can be bad for the pineal gland.

      So I'm kinda weird about things. Like I said I won't let myself ever give in to the darkness before I would try medication. But I am a believer of meditation and proper lifestyle to accomplish the same goals. I just haven't been able to accomplish those. Yet.

      Anyways, thanks for saying hi. Have a good one.

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  • Posted

    Have you thought about group or private therapy? Or just a psychiatrist?

    It does help to get it out of your system. And to hear some sound advise. I hate to see people in emotional pain. I experience it every day. I know how bad it can be. Please go for help. And come back here and write to us too you can always come back here 

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  • Posted

    Hi Drew - I can feel your sadness. I wondered whether you have tried regression therapy to deal with the childhood issues and traumas buried inside? What is buried festers and takes on nightmarish proportions, lurking in the shadows, undermining who we are as adults. It's a tough ask, a painful journey and a slow process, but digging it out will give you power, teach you about yourself, and have you controlling it  rather than it controlling you. 

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