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So yeah, I'm a 27 year old white male. Army veteran and college graduate. I am currently searching for my new life path using my newly acquired education and prior life experiences. I workout almost every day in the hope that I can fight my way out of this daily battle of self hate.
I had a troublesome childhood. To the extent that my psychologist says I have memory block issues. I cannot recall most of my life before the age of 12 or so. Some kind of defensive mechanism I developed to deal with the hardship of my early life. I was exposed to the harshness of what life has to offer at a very young age and it molded me into the person I am. I have always been called an old soul or to wise beyond my years. And I now understand that at a young age, I became an old man. Understanding the evils of life and the pointlessness of it all. I used to self harm by punching myself and cutting but grew out of that because it did the do anything for me. I tried to kill myself at a very young age but didn't go through with it because I do believe in the hopes of a better TOMORROW. But since then, I literally test myself every few months or so by seeing if it's in me yet to do it. But I still fight on. Even though I'm so tired of fighting.
So now, I just feel.. Useless.
I want to go back to the military for one reason. After longing to be a military man my entire life, I have just now figured out why. I want to die. I don't want to kill myself but I want the most honorable death a man can have. To die for something bigger than himself.
I don't want to give in. I can feel my subconscious telling me to keep going but then the flip side of the coin just tells me it's as easy as a fix as a squeeze of the trigger. All the self hate, worrying about the future, reminiscing on the past mistakes, and longing to be a better version of myself will stop. It sounds, so lovely.
I have friends. I ignore them. I have family. And I rarely spend quality time with them. And when I do, people flock to me to tell me all there issues looking for guidance from me. Like I know wtf I'm doing.. I've had a love of my life that I let go because I let the evil inside me push her away, even though she is better off now.
I guess I just enjoy living in this misery. I seem to self sabotage myself to the point of destruction.
I can't stick to new life changes. Like the whole, new year new me bulls**t. Even with the ambitions of possibly reenlisting and doing something I truly loved to do. Yeah the military isn't easy but at least when I'm suffering, I'm not alone. Everyone suffers in the military. We suffer together. And I miss that.
Drugs and alcohol do nothing for me. I don't like prescription drugs. But have tried SSRI before with decent results but I really wish to not be dependent on drugs to live. Scripts will be the last resort before the final act of hate I would do to myself. So I guess I am open to the idea versus blowing my brains out.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can get a girlfriend if I want to but I don't want to. I can be the life of the party, if I can get myself to go to it. I could have more money than I know what to do with but I don't want for that. I just want to be happy. With who I am. I know I'm not a bad person. I've volunteered my time and give enough to the poor and have and still do risk my life for others. I'm a protector of others. But now I know why, in the hopes that I may die a heros death. But I don't want to be a hero, I just want to die.
How f*cked up is that. I know of people, kids even , who would love to be in my shoes. Would go the distance and beyond if they had what I had. So why the f*ck am I like this?!
There is no quick fix, I know this. And more than likely I will get nothing from this thread other than emails saying people read your message and feel for you. I've read so many of others persons words of how they are struggling as well. But I still feel alone.
But, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Crying myself to sleep. And picking up where I left off the next day. With more tears and fears and wishing for a change.
If you've read all of this, then thank you for your time. I hope to hear from others with words of wisdom and hope.
But I know this isn't going away...
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