Depression is back

Hi all.

TLDR: I can't shake this anxiety/depression which feels worse as I have been episode free for 2 years.

Brief history of my life with depression: Born with Perther's disease of the hip which made my mother very protective of me until I was 8, to the point of being overbearing. Suffered a bout of anxiety when I was 16 which lasted a week but it felt more like a year to me. Then over the next 20 or so years I have suffered 1 or 2 episodes of anxiety and low moods every year bar a couple. I was finally diagnosed with Recurrent Depressive Disorder in 2002 and put on anti-depressants. Still on them at 53.

I still suffered every year or so, mainly when trying to reduce my meds. I had been completely episode free for tow years until last week. I got through the long illness and passing of my Father last year and through the Covid Lockdown without any problems other than the grieving process. My mother has also been in hospital for a year nut recently discharged into a temporary care home placement until home carers can be arranged. She is in early stage of dementia.

So last week I was told we were returning to the office which got me a little worried, then I visited my Mum in the care home and she has become a lot more confused, not even knowing who I was at one point during the visit. Since Saturday I have been getting more and more anxious and worried about her and returning to the office and had a bad anxiety attack yesterday morning and stayed home for work. Same this morning but about 10am decided to get laptop packed up and came into work and I am glad I did.

So what I don't understand is why, now, after much worse things happened to me, do I get hit by this intense Anxiety/Depression. Makes it even worse that I couldn't return to work normally, and I just feel like a failure. All I want to do is sit in front of the TV at night, but I do go for a walk with my wife for an hour but this makes me sweat like a water fountain. I am currently taking Venlafaxine and I know this makes me sweat like mad even doing mild exercises so this I can accept. The anxiety makes me sweat too but this is different and makes me even more anxious.

Anyway so far today I have had fleeting stomach churning and sweating along with negative thoughts and clock watching. But there have been sudden bursts of happy thoughts and sensations almost manic but these soon go away. This gives me hope and I know I will eventually climb out of this distress but it still hurts. I have a visit with my mum at 4pm and this is making me feel sick to my stomach worrying what mum will be like.

Thanks for listening. I feel like everything has been building up to this moment. Father's death, covid-19 and lockdown, 18 months working from home with no office banter, and my mum's state of health....oh and recently going back on caffeinated cola during lockdown which has probably aided in this anxiety. Been off the caffeine since last week though so should reduce the jitteriness.

Well thanks for listening.

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