Depression is my new personality and a raw story

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For others going through it and for me.

For the best part of 10 years of my life (25 now) i've suffered depression.Big back ground to why i've suffered but i'll leave that for now.I got help when i was 19, that's when i noticed and had someone to talk to about it and it was getting worse.I self harmed when i was 15,just a few scratches.did my mother help me..no..or anyone else..they probably didn't know what to do..and ofc nether did i.Then i started self harming again at 18,this time scars on my wrists and deeps ones on my thighs.Still got scars left today..i see them now to reminding me to be better and not fall when all feels lost.It does get hard not to at times..just the anger i feel when i'm at my lowest..just hard to get past.I was on meds at 19 and had talk therapy in the health center...but nothing worked,so i stopped going and stopped taking the meds..thinking i can self meditate it away..and yes you can do if you have the will power..ofc i crashed many times..so perhaps don't do it all by yourself cheesygrin

I then got help again when i was 23,same meds and same therapy doc..again nothing helped and i left both..again..and self therapy...again...i really need to stick with the meds and doc neutral I still suffer from time and time again..either just the blues or right down feel like crap and have no meaning to be here. Sad as it sounds but..depression is now my new personality..lived with it for so long it's now apart of who i am..maybe i accepted it too much when i shouldn't..but i have.

My life hasn't been easy,alcoholic mother who'd always have change left to buy cider every night but not enough for electricity and gas..and food wasn't good either and she'd bugger off to her brother, while me and my brother (me 13,brother 12, back at the time) looked after ourselves at home for a few days to a few weeks..hardly any food and no warmth in the house.Then the abusive step-dad, he had no idea how to bring up teenagers and had major anger problems that never got seen to.He'd slap,spit and threaten my mum when she was drunk(most nights) and by now me and my brother had enough and stuck up for our drunken mother and obv hated the fact he was hiting her,so either my brother or i (mostly me) would get envolved and we'd get hit..he's strangledf me,pulled my hair across one street,amde me fall down 12 stairs,slapped me so hard on the face i blanked out for a second and fell into the tv..the police has been up our house countless times just to be sent away like nothing happened..rough...but mother loved him..like all the sadistic sick brutal men in her life.All the abuse stopped for me when i was 18...i moved out.It didn't end for her tho..or my brother, tho my step-dad knew not to start with my brother (then 17) as he was strong enough to fight and not stand down.But sh*t went down anyways and still does to this day.Then came high school,i've always been super shy,in primary school all the way to today,which makes it hard for me to make friends,i was super nervous too,so i never had more than 2 friends,tho i cherish every single one that came into and left my life.When i make friends,they stay forever even when we don't talk for years,i still hold onto them cheesygrin But high school was bad due to home life,it disrupted everything,made me more shy and anxious and did terrible with grades,couldn't concentrate and was ever so tired,i'd fall asleep in classes or i'd skip school most days..i just didn't want to be in that building full of people i didn't get on with,i got sort of bullied because of one boy, back in primary 5,in gym,i needed to pee but the teacher wouldn't let me go.."come on! more star jumps!" i couldn't..as she keeped looking at me holding on as much as i could but i couldn't and pee'd then she say's "alright! go" i was wearing navy blue cloth shorts and everyone saw...humiliating.mum moved house so i moved school,,yey! new start...nope more nervs than ever,,because..meeting new people.And again i never made real friends there,a few but kids didn't friend me coz i was super shy and didn't talk..kids thought i actaully couldn't speak it was that bad.So high school came..that's when the taunting started..the boy from the previous school (i pee'd myself in front of the whole class) saw me..this room full of 1st year kids to 5th graders waiting in lines for luch...then he belts "hey shona! your that girl that pished herself!"....Everyone..i mean EVERYONE looked at me...i wanted to die...tho some girls came by my side and ushered my away and told me he's stupid and not to pay attention...but for the next 3 years i kept getting called fishy,..if you want to laugh do so..i don't feel as bad about it now..obv.I wasn't called it by everyone,just him and some new 1st year kids when i reached 2nd year.So that's why i said i was sort of bullied,i wasn't hit, well he did pull my hair and kick my leg once but that was it.But everyone else left me alone..i think word got round that was an actual alright lass..just one that never talks...at least that's what i think.I left high school at 15 (birthday in early august) so was hitting 16 soon...i was aloud to leave!!! wooo! was awesome, for me and me best friend at the time.So fast forward to when i was 17,i met my first love at college,fell out with my best friend of 5 years..because i chose him over her..that's how i see it, i love her to bits but i felt she wasn't happy for me ro she was jelous..not sure..but anyways,i had a new life with my new and first boyfriend! my gawsh! teehee cheesygrin then...at 19..i feel pregnant, we both knew we wern't stable enough to handle a baby,and that fact we were still young and the fact we wern't living together and no money...it wasn't the right time and yes i know we should have been more..you know..careful..but you know how at young ages and life is good and "things" feel better..lol anyways..i spiralled out of control with my feelings,i felt like i wasn't ready to give up a living thing in my body..obv my mum supported what ever decision i made,it was ever so frigin harsh,i cried for 9 weeks,i couldn't decide what i wanted, i called my partner all the time,i had to know what he wanted too, but i knew...so i made the call and at 9 weeks pregnant..i had my first termination,got put to sleep and woke up...all gone, and after that, i went into deep depression, well deep enough for me.When ever i was out,i seen babies every where,and baby shops,prams,baby bumps..i just cried and cried..and cried, couldn't stop thinking if i could have had a baby and if it were gona be a boy or girl,that's when i got help with talk therapy and meds at 19.Sure was a rough time.But i got by it and my partner.Then i moved out,had no choice as the house my family were staying in and the whole neighbour hood was getting demolished and rebuilt..waste of money and time.So i was settling in,then a few weeks later,my partner moved in,ever so casually,some of his stuff was coming in and staying in the eventually,asked to move in,ofc i said yes.so it was just me,him and our 3 cats...they bread like frigin mad!! we had 12 cats at one point!! 9 kittens and the 3 adults..what a very funny cute fluffy time that i'll love and never forget..never forget the meows for the morning feed..all those wee paws under the door scratching to get in...lol soo funny! so cute.But anyways,they all got good homes, and we kept 2, gave away the 3 adults as we couldn't afford the vet bill to get them dressed/snipped,We kept 2 boys..easier! But in time, i was 22 and fell prenant again..this time we both accpeted it.He was over the moon..i thought i would have been, but i was at the point in my life,i was just settling in and was quite happy it was just the both of us,so when i found out i was again..i wasn't sure about it, but i went through with it..was thrilled when my belly got bigger and felt him wriggle inside..strange feeling too i must say.It's defos one of lifes greatest achievments..for me anyways..that i went through full labour!! was wicked..painfully wicked cheesygrin But then what i now know but not then was,that i was suffering pnd..i was ever so stressed,tired and everything that falls under pnd..but i got past it in my own time,and bonded with my son as months went to 3 years..love him with my soul,heart and life.It was hard on me and my partner..our relationship was straining and we both were at our ends with one another,but we got through it like everything else..on our own.

So now 3 years later after having my son,im now 25 (26 in august) i feel like a mature 40yold lady....yup,tho mentaly at times i'm soo immature and laugh at such daft things that perhaps a young teen would find silly..but that's me.So yes..after 10 years,i still suffer from depression..just now and then,or at least i don't realise it as much anymore..like i said..it's like a part of me....a new personality.

I need to write a book or something on this lolcheesygrin

I felt like i had to tell my story..it's been eating away at me for so long,i think it's time to let it go and move on. I'll be making another oppointment with the docs tho about my really bad anxiety problems tho..and hopefully i'll be cured..and finally be truely happy...for once in my life..but we'll see.

If you suffer from depression alone,get help,if you do have help then talk about it to others,,help yourself by helping others at the same time.

Peace x

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear shona, what a wonderfully written account of your life ( yes, you really should write a book )... be very proud of yourself for having coming through so much, you Must have a remarkable spirit...

    Your history will inspire many others who are going through great difficulties....

    I SINCERELY WISH you all the best for a happy, peaceful and contented future.... Sincere regards to you and your loved ones...Dee xx

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    • Posted

      Thank you Dierdre, I do hope more people can read this,so that they know they are not alone and that they can fight and win,even at the most difficult times..it's one of those things that shouldn't be hidden away...life can be harsh..but with the right people/help by your side,(even if they are online or next door) life will become more clearer and easier to get through..well that's how i like to see it smile x
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  • Posted

    Hi Shona,

     I was lucky at the beginning of my bi-polar illness. I tried suicide at least 3 times but by the grace of God I always survived. After my last attempt I was admitted to a different hospital. There the head psychiatrist put me on a really strong dose of anti depressant called Luvox. Soon after the 30 day stay stay I was released. Within a week on my own I had a psychotic reaction. I woke up one morning and could feel the ground shaking under me. I called up everyone in my family on the phone and said, Let's get together, it's the end of the world. When my loving Dad heard this he drove over to my place and took me to the hospital that had done the brain surgery I  didn't tell you about. In the emergency room I told everyone to get down on their knees and pray. It was the end of the world. WELL, soon after that the triage nurse came to me and gave me a shot of Haldol (an anti-psychotic). Immediately the ground stopped shaking. She sent a report to my regular psychiatrist who I saw within a week's time. She put me on a prescription of Haldol but I ended up with side effects. My neck started twitching. I think it's called "tartive disconetia". She then changed the Haldol to a different anti-psychotic called Olanzapine. As well, she took me off of the Luvox and put me on a weaker anti-depressant. She also gave me a lecture. She said, "Mike, I can try you on all the possible meds in the book, and I can talk to you till I'm blue in the face, but until you stop thinking of yourself as a victim and think of  yourself as a survivor, I can't help you any more." Interestingly enough I changed my outlook on my life. From that point onward I haaven't suffered from depression at all. As it turned out she retired and referred me to a new psychiatrist. This one had a lot to learn. In fact when I told him my story, I said, I think I'm allergic to anti-depressants... please take me off them. And he did but increased the dose of my mood stabilizer. Still no depression... yeah !!! But I was still having problems with mania such as insomnia and over spending. To this date I am over $7,000 in debt. I have seen a financial counsellor who put me in a debt management program where I pay her office $155 / month which she then uses to help pay off my debts. One other nice part of the debt management program is she has made arrangements with my credit cards to have my yearly interest rate reduced. Most if not all of them have reduced the rate from around 27% to either 0% or 3% / year. I also had to give up all of my credit cards to her office and promise not to open another credit card. If I did the  debt management program would be cancelled. I just had to make a monthly budget and stick to it... I had to learn to live off of what my disability pension was paying me evey month. Luckily, I also found out about a rent subsidy program offered by the government. They now pay me about $245 a month. I also have the advantage of being part of the Life Saving Drug Program which pays for all of my prescription medication. If I had to pay for my meds myself it would cost me over $325 / month. Sad to say, the program has virtually shut down. But people who were on the program from the begining are still funded. It's just that no new people can apply. Also on the plus side is the fact that I did qualified for Canada Pension Plan Disability. Because I was making great money before I became disabled I qualified for the maximum payout of $1112 / month. Financially I'm on solid ground now. Is there a disablity pension or whatever where you live? If so apply for it. Often it just takes your doctor filling out a 5 page form stating how terribly disabled you are. Sometimes these programs exist but the government(s) won't advertise about them. Ask around. One thing to consider is your work history. Do you have one? Most of the time, your benefits are based on your past employment history. The more you made way back when, the more you get now. Sometimes even a little bit extra makes a big difference in your lifestyle. You go from from scraping the bottom of the barrel to just making ends meet. The program I'm on is paid for by the federal gov't. The provincial gov't has a similar program, but pays less. It does pay for things like dental care, eye ware, prescription costs and rent subsidies. As you may already know, every government is different. I'm just grateful that the drug payment program is still able to help me. Do some research and ask around. You may be surprised. Less to be depressed about. Let me be a little more open with you. Is your brother in a position to help you out at all? Are the two of you still close? My family has been able to help me out a lot. I won't go into detail, but just say a lot. My first wife left me as soon as she found out I had bi-polar illness. But my two children love and help me as well. In fact they both took Conflict Resolution Studies at university. Need I say more? I also belong to a support group for bi-polar illness affected people. We meet every Wednesday evening for two hours. It feels great to hear other peoples' stories. In fact on Wednesday evenings at that same office, there are 4 different groups. One for people with depression, a second for those with bi-polar, a third for ones with borderline personality disorder and the fourth is for schizophrenics. These people are almost like a second family to me. Ask around if there is a support group for people with depression in your area. It might help you a lot. In fact one man from our group asked me to come over to his place one weekend to chat and watch a movie. There are some great people out there if you know where to look. xxoo

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    • Posted

      Hey, Thank you for your reply, you sure have been through it all, and i'm glad you pulled through.And sure enough it does help if we stop thinking of how ill we are or how the illness is taking over, we all need to think past it and remember that we are in charge and can defeat it...takes some time ofc.Just need a little will power.

      It's brilliant about what your kids are doing and that they are standing by you, gotta love people that have that devotion,love and determination! Wish i could say that about my partner..he is helpful in his own ways...just not alot (hope i don't sound mean saying so) I tell him day in and day out how i am for the past 7 year..but he still finds it difficult on what to do and say, and yes i get it, ofc it's hard for the "non-sufferers" to understand and such but..i thought by now he'd read up on it or ask professional help on how to help me...oh well.

      And yes there is something over here to help folk with severe illnessess and disabilities and they get a few £100's a month, depends on your disability and such..I'm not sure i can qualify tho, i can get put on a mental health team tho and perhaps get a little something extra but i'm not too sure. And there is lots of meetings/groups that help people with metal health issues, i'm just too nervous to attend! It always sounds great hearing about these groups and meeting new people,helping one another through hard times,but like i said, i'm too nervous to meet new people, anxiety hits the roof.

      As for me and my brother, we're not close enough, but we talk and understand one another, just not enough.And my other family..pff what family i actually have left..infact i don't have any left to help me through this, my family isn't big on that, we're all the sort of folk that walk past and don't notice each other! I do have a very great best friend, but he's got his own problems, and i don't want to feel like a burden to him, i'll talk to him and he'll be there for me but...there's only so much i can put out i guess.So i only have my partner left...even so i don't like talking to him about my problems alot as alot of times we'll argue...so..that's that smile

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