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For others going through it and for me.
For the best part of 10 years of my life (25 now) i've suffered depression.Big back ground to why i've suffered but i'll leave that for now.I got help when i was 19, that's when i noticed and had someone to talk to about it and it was getting worse.I self harmed when i was 15,just a few scratches.did my mother help me..no..or anyone else..they probably didn't know what to do..and ofc nether did i.Then i started self harming again at 18,this time scars on my wrists and deeps ones on my thighs.Still got scars left today..i see them now to reminding me to be better and not fall when all feels lost.It does get hard not to at times..just the anger i feel when i'm at my lowest..just hard to get past.I was on meds at 19 and had talk therapy in the health center...but nothing worked,so i stopped going and stopped taking the meds..thinking i can self meditate it away..and yes you can do if you have the will power..ofc i crashed many times..so perhaps don't do it all by yourself
I then got help again when i was 23,same meds and same therapy doc..again nothing helped and i left both..again..and self therapy...again...i really need to stick with the meds and doc I still suffer from time and time again..either just the blues or right down feel like crap and have no meaning to be here. Sad as it sounds but..depression is now my new personality..lived with it for so long it's now apart of who i am..maybe i accepted it too much when i shouldn't..but i have.
My life hasn't been easy,alcoholic mother who'd always have change left to buy cider every night but not enough for electricity and gas..and food wasn't good either and she'd bugger off to her brother, while me and my brother (me 13,brother 12, back at the time) looked after ourselves at home for a few days to a few weeks..hardly any food and no warmth in the house.Then the abusive step-dad, he had no idea how to bring up teenagers and had major anger problems that never got seen to.He'd slap,spit and threaten my mum when she was drunk(most nights) and by now me and my brother had enough and stuck up for our drunken mother and obv hated the fact he was hiting her,so either my brother or i (mostly me) would get envolved and we'd get hit..he's strangledf me,pulled my hair across one street,amde me fall down 12 stairs,slapped me so hard on the face i blanked out for a second and fell into the tv..the police has been up our house countless times just to be sent away like nothing happened..rough...but mother loved him..like all the sadistic sick brutal men in her life.All the abuse stopped for me when i was 18...i moved out.It didn't end for her tho..or my brother, tho my step-dad knew not to start with my brother (then 17) as he was strong enough to fight and not stand down.But sh*t went down anyways and still does to this day.Then came high school,i've always been super shy,in primary school all the way to today,which makes it hard for me to make friends,i was super nervous too,so i never had more than 2 friends,tho i cherish every single one that came into and left my life.When i make friends,they stay forever even when we don't talk for years,i still hold onto them But high school was bad due to home life,it disrupted everything,made me more shy and anxious and did terrible with grades,couldn't concentrate and was ever so tired,i'd fall asleep in classes or i'd skip school most days..i just didn't want to be in that building full of people i didn't get on with,i got sort of bullied because of one boy, back in primary 5,in gym,i needed to pee but the teacher wouldn't let me go.."come on! more star jumps!" i couldn't..as she keeped looking at me holding on as much as i could but i couldn't and pee'd then she say's "alright! go" i was wearing navy blue cloth shorts and everyone saw...humiliating.mum moved house so i moved school,,yey! new start...nope more nervs than ever,,because..meeting new people.And again i never made real friends there,a few but kids didn't friend me coz i was super shy and didn't talk..kids thought i actaully couldn't speak it was that bad.So high school came..that's when the taunting started..the boy from the previous school (i pee'd myself in front of the whole class) saw me..this room full of 1st year kids to 5th graders waiting in lines for luch...then he belts "hey shona! your that girl that pished herself!"....Everyone..i mean EVERYONE looked at me...i wanted to die...tho some girls came by my side and ushered my away and told me he's stupid and not to pay attention...but for the next 3 years i kept getting called fishy,..if you want to laugh do so..i don't feel as bad about it now..obv.I wasn't called it by everyone,just him and some new 1st year kids when i reached 2nd year.So that's why i said i was sort of bullied,i wasn't hit, well he did pull my hair and kick my leg once but that was it.But everyone else left me alone..i think word got round that was an actual alright lass..just one that never talks...at least that's what i think.I left high school at 15 (birthday in early august) so was hitting 16 soon...i was aloud to leave!!! wooo! was awesome, for me and me best friend at the time.So fast forward to when i was 17,i met my first love at college,fell out with my best friend of 5 years..because i chose him over her..that's how i see it, i love her to bits but i felt she wasn't happy for me ro she was jelous..not sure..but anyways,i had a new life with my new and first boyfriend! my gawsh! teehee then...at 19..i feel pregnant, we both knew we wern't stable enough to handle a baby,and that fact we were still young and the fact we wern't living together and no money...it wasn't the right time and yes i know we should have been more..you know..careful..but you know how at young ages and life is good and "things" feel better.. anyways..i spiralled out of control with my feelings,i felt like i wasn't ready to give up a living thing in my body..obv my mum supported what ever decision i made,it was ever so frigin harsh,i cried for 9 weeks,i couldn't decide what i wanted, i called my partner all the time,i had to know what he wanted too, but i knew...so i made the call and at 9 weeks pregnant..i had my first termination,got put to sleep and woke up...all gone, and after that, i went into deep depression, well deep enough for me.When ever i was out,i seen babies every where,and baby shops,prams,baby bumps..i just cried and cried..and cried, couldn't stop thinking if i could have had a baby and if it were gona be a boy or girl,that's when i got help with talk therapy and meds at 19.Sure was a rough time.But i got by it and my partner.Then i moved out,had no choice as the house my family were staying in and the whole neighbour hood was getting demolished and rebuilt..waste of money and time.So i was settling in,then a few weeks later,my partner moved in,ever so casually,some of his stuff was coming in and staying in the eventually,asked to move in,ofc i said yes.so it was just me,him and our 3 cats...they bread like frigin mad!! we had 12 cats at one point!! 9 kittens and the 3 adults..what a very funny cute fluffy time that i'll love and never forget..never forget the meows for the morning feed..all those wee paws under the door scratching to get in... soo funny! so cute.But anyways,they all got good homes, and we kept 2, gave away the 3 adults as we couldn't afford the vet bill to get them dressed/snipped,We kept 2 boys..easier! But in time, i was 22 and fell prenant again..this time we both accpeted it.He was over the moon..i thought i would have been, but i was at the point in my life,i was just settling in and was quite happy it was just the both of us,so when i found out i was again..i wasn't sure about it, but i went through with it..was thrilled when my belly got bigger and felt him wriggle inside..strange feeling too i must say.It's defos one of lifes greatest achievments..for me anyways..that i went through full labour!! was wicked..painfully wicked But then what i now know but not then was,that i was suffering pnd..i was ever so stressed,tired and everything that falls under pnd..but i got past it in my own time,and bonded with my son as months went to 3 years..love him with my soul,heart and life.It was hard on me and my partner..our relationship was straining and we both were at our ends with one another,but we got through it like everything else..on our own.
So now 3 years later after having my son,im now 25 (26 in august) i feel like a mature 40yold lady....yup,tho mentaly at times i'm soo immature and laugh at such daft things that perhaps a young teen would find silly..but that's me.So yes..after 10 years,i still suffer from depression..just now and then,or at least i don't realise it as much anymore..like i said..it's like a part of me....a new personality.
I need to write a book or something on this
I felt like i had to tell my story..it's been eating away at me for so long,i think it's time to let it go and move on. I'll be making another oppointment with the docs tho about my really bad anxiety problems tho..and hopefully i'll be cured..and finally be truely happy...for once in my life..but we'll see.
If you suffer from depression alone,get help,if you do have help then talk about it to others,,help yourself by helping others at the same time.
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