Depression is tuning my relationship ....should I walk away?

Posted , 6 users are following.

I've had untreated depression for almost 3 years and it's seriously affecting my relationship ... my outbursts .. low mood and general irritability has caused my partner to distance herself from me. I've not had much support and get the odd psycho chucked at me in a flare up ... so I've been given fluoxetine today to try and deal with the mood swings low mood and anxiety... and also sort out my insomnia.

However my partner has told me she's suffering because of my behaviour and my low mood is dragging her down. AI I have wondered ..... do I leave ? To make the suffering disappear ??

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  • Posted

    Hi Faye

    I wouldn't make the hasty decision to leave at this moment in time unless you feel the situation is making your depression worse or its going to totally destroy your relationship if you have a chance of saving it.

    . You have been very brave in addressing your depression and going for help. Its not going to be an over night fix as you probably know.  It takes time for the medication to start working. You might also want to go for other support to help with the insomina and talk through what is causing your depression.

    Deppression is not your fault and can happen to anyone at anytime.  I would say its been stressful for you both as it can be quite frightening feeling like this and not knowing why.  Your partner is probably frustrated because she doesnt know what to do to help you.  Which is usually the normal reaction to someone close to us.


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    • Posted

      Thanks Laura. ..

      At the moment I can't see any other option that to leave as at least that way I won't be expecting support and not getting it...

      However I've been with my partner for 5 years and she has raised my 5 year old we live together and both have good jobs and I can't imagine my life without her ... however her negative attitude towards my problem and lack of support is stopping me from seeing the pros of this situation.

      I'm kind of between a rock and a hard 0kace because all I want is her to turn around and tell me she will be there regardless but I know it's difficult for her to put up with my behaviour etc.

      Totally confused.

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  • Posted

    Hi Faye

    Was your partner supportive when you first got depressed or have you had no support from the start?


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    • Posted

      None from the start really ... I'd try n carry on like I was fine but eventually blow ... usually once I'd had a coupletter of drinks ... or over something small.

      And the response I got is that I'm a psycho.

      And to just stop .

      And stop being miserable and negative.

      Like it's that easy!

      Worst part of depression is I have no control of my feelings and how they make me behave.

      I've accused my partner of cheating... stealing ... lying ... all sorts ...

      This comes from the smallest molehill and before I know it it's a mountain and I can't take it back.


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  • Posted

    It's must be tough for you partner but equally hard for you because of depression. I too was in a 6 year relationship and that ended when I was going through another depressive episode. All I wanted from her at that time was support and understanding but didn't get it and she ended which made things a whole lot worse for me because I was already depressed at the time. There is no easy answer here. Maybe wait until the tablets start helping and things start to feel better then you can make clearer decisions on next steps etc. Of course what your other half does is out of your control. I do agree that she should show compassion towards you but it's tough and I can see it from somebody else's perspective. I wish you all the best...once the tablets start working you should feel better and I hope your relationship also starts improving.
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    • Posted

      Thank you for that...

      The doctor said roughly 6 weeks before I start to see any improvements but I'm taking the steps forward during that time ... going to the gym .. winding down .. keeping occupied ... in the hope that she will see that I am not just allowing it to ruin our relationship .. I'm actually doing something about it. We aren't even speaking at the moment ute and spending our time in separate room's. Which gives me time to think and hopefully her too!

      It's the worst feeling ever feeling low and hopeless... and I'm really hoping I can get a smile on my face soon !

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  • Posted

    Wow I am impressed sure are doing everything to help yourself.. It will take time so don't be to disheartened if you don't get there as quick as you would like.. Depression is a slow downward spiral and it takes time to work through it.

    It sounds like your partner doesn't know how to deal with depression like so many.  Understandably your partner is going to pull back if being accused of different things. Or not sure which type of mood you will be in from day to another.. But that is depression and it is unpredicatable at times. Your very upfront about how it is affecting you with mood swings and accusations etc.. That is to be admired and I hope your partner in time will see you are honest about things being difficult and how it has affected you both.

    The positive is you are doing everything to turn things around.  I also hope your partner will see that as well in time..

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    • Posted

      Thank you ... it makes a huge difference speaking to people who know what I'm talking about .. gives me some clarity.

      I am quite upfront about it and it was about 3 years ago I accepted the fact I wasn't quite right. Since then I've been failed by doctors and tried all ways to do it on my own. It's taken this long but I finally realise I'm not rational a lot of the time. Even when I think I am.... I calm down a dah or so later and feel awful knowing how I've behaved and that I've hurt those closest to me.

      It's embarrassing g because some of these crazy outburst have been in front of family and friends ... so they must think I'm totally nuts. . And to face them a few days later literally takes every ounce of strength.

      I need to get it right this time and seriously hope that my partner can see that im really trying before I end up throwing away the best thing besides my son that I've got.

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  • Posted

    Hi some people just do not understand depression and others refuse to.   I would not make any hasty moves until you have been on the meds for a while.  It can take between 4-6 weeks to get fully into your system.  Tell your wife that you hope to be feeling a lot better in the near future.  That's if you want to stay with her?    It can be hard being with an unsupportive partner but surely if she loves you she will learn how to help?   For your sake....   x
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    • Posted

      Hi .... thanks ka for your comment. I've tried speaking to her over the last 2 days hut it ends up in an argument. She's not a great talker either tbh. .. but once again I got myself all worked up n probably made no sense. So I've wrote her a letter n left it on the table downstairs while she's out with the puppy ... I'm hiding upstairs where I've been for the best part of 2 days besides the doctors and the gym.

      I'm not confident she will read it but the just of it is that I didn't choose this way of living nor do I enjoy it .... nor can I make it go away but I can try. I will understand if she would rather I left because it is hard and don't want her being miserable for my sake but I'm willing to help her learn to support me and cope and make sure I do everything I can to get better.. even though it will take a while.

      Obviously I apologised fory ridiculous behaviour. . Accusations etc.

      But I'm not hopeful it will be enough to make her see this wasn't my intention.

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  • Posted

    Dear Faye,  the key here is you say you have had "untreated depression" for almost 3 years.  Why?  There is an abundance of help out there and you have begun by taking fluoxetine.  I hope it works (and it may take several weeks before you know...) but you also need some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy.  That helps you recognize what you are doing that may make things worse and things that you are doing that are positive.  Your partner is likely frustrated and no doubt has tried to help you in the last 3 years and she may feel like she just can't help.  That is partially true, nobody else can fix you, it is up to you to seek out treatments.  Try acupuncture, yoga, walking and eating a healthy diet concurrently with therapy and meds.  Since your depression has lasted so long, you may have to be on antidepressants forever.  I go from 20mg when I am doing really well and when my world (in my head) is spinning, I up it to 40mg.  Even on antidepressants, you can become depressed over situational or physical problems.  Many antidepressants have a very small price tag, especially the older, tried and true ones.  I shy away from new drugs because they just don't know the long term effects of using them daily.  And any drug can be counterproductive when mixed with certain foods.  You can find med/food interactions online and it is also important to look for med interactions, also.  Stay away from negativity as much as possible.  Talk with your partner and see what is best for them.  If hanging in there is possible and will not cause them undue stress, they may stay.  It is a good idea for them to see a therapist either with you (sometimes, to resolve conflict) or alone.  My husband and sister saw my therapist on several occasions regarding me because they wanted some support in order to help me thru the bad times.  It is very isolating to be depressed or to live with a depressed person, especially if it a long depression.  It need not be, once you find what works for you.  Rely on your friends and loved ones to tell you when they notice changes in you that could be a precursor to more depression.  This is not criticism as long as you don't take it that way.  Friends and loved ones are invested in you being the best you can be.  There will always be jerks in the world so practice NOT reacting but ignoring them.  They have no place in your mental health medicine chest!  Offer your partner cotherapy.  A good therapist will give you both great reading material, which helps enormously (if you really read them...). As I have often said, your partner may be trying to keep you from drowning when she doesn't know how to swim.  That only results in 2 casualties and never ends well.  Best wishes and don't stop searching until you feel like a better, wiser, happier, more productive you.
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    • Posted

      Thanks k you KMRC smile

      I was given CBT just over a year and a half ago and the therapist actually sat in front of me on week 8 and said she could not help me and recommended a wind down hour before a warm bath at bed time :0... that kind of ruined all hope of CBT for me.

      Since then I visited my GP as I was running on 2 hours a night sleep which isn't east with a dull time job and a young son ... at this point I was diagnosed with anxiety and given tablets ... I stuck them out for as long as I could however the side effect were unbearable. Bag to the GP I went and he recommended warm milk and a child free night every now and then and to go back in 6-8 weeks if I wasn't sleeping .... by which point I looked like an extra from the 2alking dead.

      I got myself some over the counter tablets ... kalms and some rescue remedy to try and curb my anxiety and get some sleep hut they didn't work .

      I eat clean as a rule and I do go to thy gym as often as possible between working and time with my son I walk the dog quite a bit too ....

      My GP had given me this fluorine at 20mg and told me to stick with is as it will help my anxiety which is quite bad atm. And hopefully help me sleep .. which is causing me to be more irritable than usual.

      I'm hoping that these tablets along with the healthier lifestyle and trying to be more organised with my day to day life will make things a bit easier for me.

      My partner has known about this for a good while and 2 have been to cocounselling ... which she left more angry and distant with me than before we went in. After 6 weeks she refused to have more sessions.

      I've tried to explain my feelings to her but she has point blank said she can't support me.

      I've asked for reassurance even when she thinks I shouldn't need bit ... but she refused and withdraws. Making me turn I to that paranoid wreck.....

      I've told her it will be hard and I'll so all I can in the hope that in time things will improve. But she doesn't seem interested and I don't want to keep making her suffer like she says she does or be dragged down by my negativity.

      Although she's not speaking to me I've sent her some links on how to deal with a partner with depression and the help available to her but I haven't heard from her so don't know if she's read them.

      I just don't want this illness to break me and certainly don't want it to break my partner.

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  • Posted

    So today I took my son out with a friend to the park and for lunch to a)give me a bit of space and b)give her a bit of space.

    This dish go down well.

    Apparently I should have stayed home to talk... and because I didn't choose our relationship and chose spend the day out with a friend I've 'made my bed' ...

    Surely talking about all of this wouldn't have been appropriate during the day when our 5 year old is around. .. it seemed a better option to go out.

    I'm assuming this means all hope of support is out the window.

    And I can't see our relationship working if I feel like I'm on my own anyway.

    She is now asleep and heading out for a night in town with her friends later. And I've been told there will be no conversation. However she hasn't ended it...

    Is she waiting for me to say it's over ??

    This is one of those can't do right for doing wrong situations and it's driving me up the wall.

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  • Posted

    Dear Faye, you have sure been thru it.  First, any therapist that tells you they can't help you is not a good therapist.  Sure, there are sometimes personality conflicts among docs and patients and in that case, you should have been referred to someone else.  As far as your realationship goes, it sounds pretty dire and living in this situation is going to make your recovery much harder.  How are you around your 5 year old?  Children pick up on everything, especially how mom is feeling.  Make sure she has other kids to play with and activities to let her be a happy kid.  My mother was very depressed when I was young and, being the nurturer I always have been, I tried everything to make her feel better and to just get her to smile.  I feel so bad for you that you don't have a supportive partner but the truth is, if she has never been supportive about your condition, that is not likely to change especially if she has been to therapy and left angrier.  You two are really no longer together, really.  We cannot change others, only ourselves, and it sounds like she is done.  It is likely exacerbating your depression to also have to deal with her anger.  If you separate, try for your child's sake, to do it in a friendly manner.  She may even want to visit this child she has spent 5 years building a relationship with.  Please find another therapist.  Just because one says she can't help you, there are plenty who can.  You should be able to tell if you connect within one or two sessions.  Don't be afraid to keep looking til you find the right one.  As far as your go, try an internist.  Being depressed can cause physical symptoms, like not sleeping.  So far, the docs haven't really helped and it may be time to change docs.  They may never find the reason you are depressed.  Our brains are complicated and our DNA certainly can contribute to depression or sickness.  There are treatments (outside of traditional realm) and you might try acupuncture.  Even my lethargic dog did very well with a few sessions with the acupuncturist!  You are doing many right things, congrats.  Do you journal?  It has been shown that if you write down all the bad stuff (as well as the good...) and accusations, etc., makes your brain feel like it was said out loud.  I have journaled since I was a child ( and my nieces and nephews tell me they can't wait to read them!) and it really does help.  When I can't sleep, which is often, I journal until I am so tired of hearing myself, I can nod off!  Another great therapy is coloring.  You can do this with your child and anyone else who wants to join in.  It is very calming and the results are always beautiful!  Adult coloring books (I love mandalas) are available.  Some people use markers, I prefer Prismacolor pencils.  They last forever and a good electric sharpener is a good thing to have on hand.  I got my 83 year old mother involved in coloring and now it is part of her daily ritual.  It is more difficult to be depressed or angry when you see what beauty you create and anyone can do it.  I feel for you because I have been seriously depressed but thankfully, I had a loving husband and family who, because they sought therapy with my therapist to learn technics to care for themselves and to assist me.  Be grateful for everything you can think of and think about this when you are winding down for night or before you rise in the a.m.  I will check on you again but know there are folks out here that truly care that you manage this depression and come out on the other side.💜
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