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New to these forums, thought I'd see what other people think.
I'm 24, nearly 25 and over the last year or more have been getting more and more negative. It's a combination of things I think.
First off, my career. I'm very ambitious and can't bear the idea of being stuck in a boring job. I realise that there's more to life than work but I just feel like life is rather pointless unless I'm doing something interesting day to day. Otherwise I just end up dwelling on how mundane everything is and wondering what the point is. The career I'm trying to get into is very competitive and although I've got further this year than I have before, I still haven't reached the most important bit. It doesn't help that today I got a rejection from an organisation I currently work for, without even getting an interview. I'm used to dealing with rejection but this one was tough.
Second, my personal life is a relative failure. I've had two long term relationships in my life, both for around 8 months. While I had great affection for both guys I wasn't in love with either of them. I'm seeing a guy casually at the moment but nothing serious. I'd like to think I'm reasonably attractive and interesting, but I never seem to have any luck. Lots of my friends are in long term relationships now we're getting older and talking marriage kids etc. I'm happy for them but it just continually reminds me of how I don't have that myself. Sometimes it feels like the only explanation is that there must be something wrong with me.
All my life I've felt pretty alone. Not always in a bad way, just in the sense that I am in my head quite a lot and I always expect to be able to cope by myself and do things for myself. I've grown up just with my mum as my dad left before I was born. She has been the best mum that anyone could ask for but there have been difficult times, financially and emotionally growing up. She has suffered from depression herself in the past and I feel like maybe I've developed a sort of numbness to allow myself to deal with her low moods without it affecting me.
I'm very much a glass half empty person. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for my life to start properly while then stupidly not enjoying the life I have now as much as I should be. All the time I see people around me having good things happen and I feel like I'm separate from that. I realise that sounds massively self-pitying and I'm probably not recognising the good things that are happening to me. I have a fantastic bunch of close friends.
Annoyingly I also have what I guess I'd call compulsions. It sounds very strange but I have to touch things (inanimate objects, walls, switches, purse, bag etc) a certain number of times. If I land of a number that for some reason my brain doesn't like then I have to keep touching it until I like the number. Sometimes I just count in my head in relation to other things. It get's a lot worse when I'm stressed as well. I tell myself that something bad will happen/something good won't happen unless I do it.
I've never told a doctor or anyone about this. I know the compulsions are just OCD type stuff that I need to try and consciously stop myself.
I don't think the rest of what I've described is depression. I think I just get sad sometimes and frustrated like everyone does. Maybe it's just helped to type it all out. But if anyone does have any observations, then go for it.
P.S. sorry for the length!
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