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Depression/just low mood/negativity?

Posted , 4 users are following.

jane20819
jane20819

New to these forums, thought I'd see what other people think.

I'm 24, nearly 25 and over the last year or more have been getting more and more negative. It's a combination of things I think.

First off, my career. I'm very ambitious and can't bear the idea of being stuck in a boring job. I realise that there's more to life than work but I just feel like life is rather pointless unless I'm doing something interesting day to day. Otherwise I just end up dwelling on how mundane everything is and wondering what the point is. The career I'm trying to get into is very competitive and although I've got further this year than I have before, I still haven't reached the most important bit. It doesn't help that today I got a rejection from an organisation I currently work for, without even getting an interview. I'm used to dealing with rejection but this one was tough.

Second, my personal life is a relative failure. I've had two long term relationships in my life, both for around 8 months. While I had great affection for both guys I wasn't in love with either of them. I'm seeing a guy casually at the moment but nothing serious. I'd like to think I'm reasonably attractive and interesting, but I never seem to have any luck. Lots of my friends are in long term relationships now we're getting older and talking marriage kids etc. I'm happy for them but it just continually reminds me of how I don't have that myself. Sometimes it feels like the only explanation is that there must be something wrong with me.

All my life I've felt pretty alone. Not always in a bad way, just in the sense that I am in my head quite a lot and I always expect to be able to cope by myself and do things for myself. I've grown up just with my mum as my dad left before I was born. She has been the best mum that anyone could ask for but there have been difficult times, financially and emotionally growing up. She has suffered from depression herself in the past and I feel like maybe I've developed a sort of numbness to allow myself to deal with her low moods without it affecting me.

I'm very much a glass half empty person. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for my life to start properly while then stupidly not enjoying the life I have now as much as I should be. All the time I see people around me having good things happen and I feel like I'm separate from that. I realise that sounds massively self-pitying and I'm probably not recognising the good things that are happening to me. I have a fantastic bunch of close friends.

Annoyingly I also have what I guess I'd call compulsions. It sounds very strange but I have to touch things (inanimate objects, walls, switches, purse, bag etc) a certain number of times. If I land of a number that for some reason my brain doesn't like then I have to keep touching it until I like the number. Sometimes I just count in my head in relation to other things. It get's a lot worse when I'm stressed as well. I tell myself that something bad will happen/something good won't happen unless I do it.

I've never told a doctor or anyone about this. I know the compulsions are just OCD type stuff that I need to try and consciously stop myself.

I don't think the rest of what I've described is depression. I think I just get sad sometimes and frustrated like everyone does. Maybe it's just helped to type it all out. But if anyone does have any observations, then go for it.

P.S. sorry for the length!

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • laura52683
    laura52683 jane20819

    Posted

    Hi jane

    I'm 28 and I too suffer from OCD and I work in a superstore so all labels have to face right or pallets stacked neatly. So it's nothing bad to think of you just like to do things in a certain way. 

    Feeling like your world is constantly on the pause button while others are having a whale of a time and goodluck with anything you can imagine. Yeah I know totally how that feels, my 2 closes friends had babies in the last year and I feel so alone now. 

    Ive been suffering from depression probably 7/8 years now but finally getting help I go counselling and it's like writing in your diary the feeling off getting it off your chest. 

    Had afew bad days recently non stop crying and any little thing like dropping something sets me off again. How silly that sounds but I feel like a ticking bomb. 

    Being rejected, I feel like a failure I know I'm pretty good at giving advice to others when I need to hear it myself but it's all part of living and it makes you a lot stronger to achieve and push yourself higher. (If only I could see that) 

    Your be fine, I'm always here

    Take care Jane :-) x

  • marieC
    marieC jane20819

    Posted

    Hi Jane, I can understand quite a lot about what you are talking about, I had a job I hated, mainly among men, where the men where listened to and respected more and women weren't.  It was boring but I had to take the first job I was offered as I needed the money and although I tried to find a better, more interesting job, my age was against me, so I stuck at it, until I was made redundant.  I'm now poor but I've retired.  Whoopee!!

    It was soul destroying and I became very depressed, as I'd been widowed and hadn't managed to find another partner/lover.  I also had few friends.

    Why don't you see your doctor?  You could get help, even if it was just with the OCD side of things.  I'd suggest that you do it, before your feelings get worse and hang around for longer and begin to really drag you down.  It's such a slippery slope from feeling a little low, to a deep depression.

    I don't have the OCD, but another problem which they believe is related to OCD, I am a hoarder/clutterer and I am having CBT to try to change my behaviour, instead of behaving in a negative way to my emotions and thoughts.  I've already had EMDR, which cost a lot, but I thought it was worth it.  That has helped tremendously with my social anxiety due to negative beliefs from my childhood.

    I'm fighting with trying to get my life back on track, I just wish that many of the therapies had been around when I was younger so that I could have had a happier life while I was young enough to really benefit from it.  I just would like my last years to have some peace and contentment, hopefully some love and happiness too.

    Don't leave it until it's almost too late, you're young enough to still live life to the full and find the love of your life, or at least still enjoy your life and be content with everything.  You say you've got great friends, enjoy your time with them, but please, do something now to help heal yourself.  When you are feeling better is probably when you will find true love.  A happy person is so much more approachable.

    Good luck with everything and I hope you get your man and promotion.

    • mark01943
      mark01943 marieC

      Posted

      Hi Marie.

      cricket your words struck a cord with me! You are right that you need to catch things early, or you are on the slippery slope, which I am now, like you always had negative beliefs and lack of self belief, and while not quite at retireing age, I have been doing jobs that wouldn't have thought would do, they are boring, but I felt that I could do them, and like you age against me now.

      And yes would like EXACTLY what you say, for my last year's peace, contentment and love. That would make me happy, but as you say a happy positive person is much more approachable. I have lost many friends through this illness, and it's not always there fault.....

    • marieC
      marieC mark01943

      Posted

      You're right Mark, when you're really down, you can say or dom things that perhaps you didn't mean to say or that can be misunderstood, but because you're down, you can't be arsed to sort it out, and then it's too late when you've left it too long.  You can also take what others say the wrong way and by the time you realise they didn't mean it how you thought, again too late.

      It's sad that so many of us feel so bad about ourselves and life, when we should be appreciating every lovely thing that happens, no matter how small, but here we are, all feeling sorry for ourselves and not knowing what to do to make us all feel happy and fulfilled.  I wish I could do something to help us all, but I'm lost too, although I keep trying to find myself, but I'm also lazy now and just hope what I am doing will be enough for me anyway.

    • mark01943
      mark01943 marieC

      Posted

      I don't feel sorry for myself, I have made my bed, and now lie in it. Your right sometimes can't be arsed to do anything about stuff, and people think it's them, but we just can't motivate ourselves. Unfortunately I am sooooo sensitive that I let things effect me that I shouldn't, and have made choices in life to try and please others. That has been a big mistake and in the long run been unfair on others, although they wouldn't see it like that at the time
    • marieC
      marieC mark01943

      Posted

      Yes, I try to remember the song "Garden Party" when it says "You can't please everyone, so you may as well please yourself"  Quite good advice, I think.

      I'm glad you don't feel sorry for yourself, it was more of a generalisation, because some of us, me included do, at time, so please don't misunderstand.

    • mark01943
      mark01943 marieC

      Posted

      On heck, sorry marie, I know you didn't mean me. Reading g some of your posts you sound such a lovely, kind person, you have such a lot going for you. I can tell even just from the few lines you write, you are a genuine nice lady, and if there is one thing I am good at, only one, it's a good judge of people!

      don't recall that song, will look it up, but yes the sentiment is v true

    • marieC
      marieC mark01943

      Posted

      Hey Mark, Thank you so much, but I DO have my off days!  The song's by Ricky Nelson, although I think he called himself Rick Nelson for that one.

      For saying that, guess what, I LIKE you too!

    • mark01943
      mark01943 marieC

      Posted

      We all have our off days, that's for sure!

      Trust me, I wouldn't have written it if I knew it wasn't true what I said about you. And believe me I'm not the sort of person who says stuff like that for effect.

      The advice you have given to others is so heartfelt I can tell, so you should be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the fact you are a good person.

      Now, if I can just jump down off this soap box......it's quite high!

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