depression lovesickness SPD

i need help. ive been depressed my whole life and 3 years ago ive been diagnisod with SPD also. so life has never ben easy for me. So one year ago i fell in love with a guy at work. of course beinf a this type of person i pretended i didnt notice him but it was love at first sight. ive been in love only once before and it took me 10 + to get over it. i was 17 back then. it almost destroyed me. since then i havnt been in any sort of relationship whatsover. so here is the other guy i met at work and he seemed interested too which made me happy. of course i didnt show it. he is goodloking and a couple of years older than me. he has the kind of jumour that i like and his smile is neautiful too. hatd not to not to notice him. he 's been married before. so we get along pretty well, i lose my shyness a little by little i feel good when he is ariund. thing is i still wasnt sure whether he was also in love wirh me or not. i starts touchinf me briefly which i normally dislike very much. shoulder and back. he makes compliments about my hair we start walking home together. thing is after a couple of months i was still not sure wheter it was love or not. until one time he asked about my plans for the future if i was planning to marry and have kids. was that sign? i have schizoid personalitt dosorder and i dont realy get those signs. and i never really learned to show emotion either. never really bothered me but now it does. slowly starting to realose what spd actually does to people. each time he was touching me i wanted to touch him too but froze and didnt move. he mustve taken it the wrong way. comes winter he asked me to marry him for the papers. i said yes. what could go wrong anyway. i love him and i was certain he loved me too. it could develop and i could learn step by step to let loose and to get over the disorder. i was just happy to be with him. which of course i couldnt really show. so me married and i moved in with him. i have my own room and pay some rent too. he moving isnt done yet actually. still have some stuff at my old place. this is where i am now. the last couple of weeks i got so depressed i can hardly move. havent eaten for a couple of days. slèping is not an option either. suddenly he only talks to me when he needs some sort of help in the household. when i ask him about his friends he yells at me that.its not my business. although he asked me all sorts of questions and i was very open to him. which i am actually not. thing is he does not love me (anymore? or never has) and i am sitting here crying my eyes out. i feel empty and more sepressed then i am used to. i swore to myself never to fall in love again which worked out pretty well. my first relationship was a decade ago and i havent been wirh anyone else since then. as i said took me more than 10 years to get over it. now it starts all over again and now i am consyantly thinking of just killing myself finally. ive bbeen having suicidal thoughts before,too. i dont know how to talk to that man. i fear his reaction.

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