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I'll start off by saying, I'm no expert on the matter to hand, however I'm extremely familiar with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and the likes, it runs through the family somewhat, my mother suffers with depression, clinical depression pretty bad, while we were young, my sister was the first to show some forms of it, later my brother had a breakdown and now suffers with the same, agrofobia on top of, I myself have had panic attacks since school, but they were far and few, I ignored them, college they began to worsen, still far and few, they just began lasting longer, and left me feeling a lot more hollow and bitter, I'm now 23, I still have to have an enourmous amount of stress to trigger them, but that's probably because I've just learned how to controll them to a degree, however, now they hit like a storm, virtually render me useless for the day, recovering from them has become painfully hard, I'm generally outgoing and enjoy life, however the last few years have battered me into a state of just not caring, I want to care, but I just can't find the will power anymore, I've become quiet, timid even afraid and embarrassed at times, sleep has become the most painfully stressful event, I wake every hour of the night, thanks to mortifying nightmares of generally my own gruesome end, or just awful things, teeth, hair falling out, skin peeling off, are probably the only ones acceptable to post here, but there generally terrifying and are destroying any chance of a decent sleep, life is just going backwards and everything just seems on a constant downfall and I see no end to falling, year by year, things only get worse, I've lost so much weight, I look like I should be in hospital, work college have even made remarks about my weight, some quite offensive, I was compared to some statues of an old holocoust camp last week, been referee to a HIV patient and much, much more. We call that banter in our kitchens.. I guess you have to understand how brutal and out to cause hurt chefs can be to get the banter.. Or maybe I was just brought up to not like offending people, guess you can't choose who you work with. I ramble a bit too much, but please bare with me, I'm just trying to explain as best I can, a few years back, I was 12stone, in the gym every day, and had my panic attacks figured out pretty well and could bounce back from them, I'm now, shamefully a little under 9stone, I have bags under my eyes, that literally make me look disgusting, I've had them since my teens, but they just get worse and I'm sick of people poping the same old, "who's punched you?" "Did the other guy come out worse?" Ect, I'm afraid of going to doctor, because I don't want them to tell me I am suffering with depression like the rest of my family, but, I don't really think I can keep silently fighting this off anymore, I am a mess, I am sick, I don't know what with exactly, but mentally, something's wrong, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be, i feel as if this constant feeling of depression, loneliness and stress has just, disfigured me both mentally and physically, I guess I'm asking, am I okay? Or is it time I see a doctor? I've fought this by myself for years, but right now, it's too much. I don't have anyone else to ask about this, it's not something I let my family know of, saying that family relations are a mess and I asking for help will only fall on deaf ears, as far as family's concerned, myself and my sister have walked away from the problems at home for the sake of our own health.(I won't delve into that anymore if that's alright) anyway, advice, help, any comment is appreciated.
Thank you everyone.
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