Depression & Me. Could anyone help?

Posted , 4 users are following.

I'll start off by saying, I'm no expert on the matter to hand, however I'm extremely familiar with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and the likes, it runs through the family somewhat, my mother suffers with depression, clinical depression pretty bad, while we were young, my sister was the first to show some forms of it, later my brother had a breakdown and now suffers with the same, agrofobia on top of, I myself have had panic attacks since school, but they were far and few, I ignored them, college they began to worsen, still far and few, they just began lasting longer, and left me feeling a lot more hollow and bitter, I'm now 23, I still have to have an enourmous amount of stress to trigger them, but that's probably because I've just learned how to controll them to a degree, however, now they hit like a storm, virtually render me useless for the day, recovering from them has become painfully hard, I'm generally outgoing and enjoy life, however the last few years have battered me into a state of just not caring, I want to care, but I just can't find the will power anymore, I've become quiet, timid even afraid and embarrassed at times, sleep has become the most painfully stressful event, I wake every hour of the night, thanks to mortifying nightmares of generally my own gruesome end, or just awful things, teeth, hair falling out, skin peeling off, are probably the only ones acceptable to post here, but there generally terrifying and are destroying any chance of a decent sleep, life is just going backwards and everything just seems on a constant downfall and I see no end to falling, year by year, things only get worse, I've lost so much weight, I look like I should be in hospital, work college have even made remarks about my weight, some quite offensive, I was compared to some statues of an old holocoust camp last week, been referee to a HIV patient and much, much more. We call that banter in our kitchens.. I guess you have to understand how brutal and out to cause hurt chefs can be to get the banter.. Or maybe I was just brought up to not like offending people, guess you can't choose who you work with. I ramble a bit too much, but please bare with me, I'm just trying to explain as best I can, a few years back, I was 12stone, in the gym every day, and had my panic attacks figured out pretty well and could bounce back from them, I'm now, shamefully a little under 9stone, I have bags under my eyes, that literally make me look disgusting, I've had them since my teens, but they just get worse and I'm sick of people poping the same old, "who's punched you?" "Did the other guy come out worse?" Ect, I'm afraid of going to doctor, because I don't want them to tell me I am suffering with depression like the rest of my family, but, I don't really think I can keep silently fighting this off anymore, I am a mess, I am sick, I don't know what with exactly, but mentally, something's wrong, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be, i feel as if this constant feeling of depression, loneliness and stress has just, disfigured me both mentally and physically, I guess I'm asking, am I okay? Or is it time I see a doctor? I've fought this by myself for years, but right now, it's too much. I don't have anyone else to ask about this, it's not something I let my family know of, saying that family relations are a mess and I asking for help will only fall on deaf ears, as far as family's concerned, myself and my sister have walked away from the problems at home for the sake of our own health.(I won't delve into that anymore if that's alright) anyway, advice, help, any comment is appreciated.

Thank you everyone.

William. T

2 likes, 10 replies

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi William ~

    I don't want to alarm you but personally, from what I just read, you should see a doctor.  There is no reason you should have to suffer the way you currently are.  There are mild to heavy drugs that can help with what you're going through.  Also, there's an easy fix to the bags under your eyes and it's not with drugs.  If you want some ideas, let me know.

    I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time.  I can only imagine how you must feel.  I suffer from depression also and I'm not too proud to say that I need the help of medication as I cannot take this on by myself w/o help.  Perhaps you can ask yourself that question, are you just being proud and not wanting to take the medications because of what other's may think, if that be the case, do you think they don't notice the way you presently are?  I mean you say your weight is down, eyes look as if you've been punched and on and on.  I'm guessing you can say that the latter is the situation.  Swallow any pride (if this is what is going on) and see a doctor asap and take the medications.  You don't have to take it forever, you can always opt out after you've pulled yourself together.  

    I wish you well and good luck with your situation.  Please get some help as you like many others, deserve a good, healthy life with fun, love and peace.

    Warm regards,

    Frustrated

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    • Posted

      Do you reckon so? I guess Pride does give me some determination to say, "I'm fine, I'm just over reacting" if I'm honest, Doctors are scary right? I mean.. There just people who tell me something's wrong, I have a girlfriend to provide for, a life to live, If I can't do that properly and I have as many demons in my head as I think I do, how, how do I look after her? Provide? Ensure I have my life on the right track and when I settle down and start as an adult(I'm 23, as far as I'm concerned, I should have things sorted out, house, job, bills and be able to provide for a family) I guess, I grew up without great role models, my parents were and still are a mess, which I guess, made me want to be nothin like them, I wanted to grow up, as soon as I could, I want a family and I want to give everything I physically can to them, the life we never had I guess, but I feel as if I constantly having to break walls down on a daily basis to pave my way to my happily ever after, I have the utter most respect and compassion towards anyone suffering with depression, I just, don't want to think I have it, I can't, I have too much to do and I have no one I can reach out for help, so if I stop? If I let it get to me, how do I look after the people I care about? If I'm curled in a ball, hyperventilating and praying for anything to just make everything alright? The world doesn't work that way, right? If I want a good life and a happy family, I just have to soldier on and fight it? I'm terrified of the thought of medication and if I was told it was mandatory, I'd still refuse, I have to work, generally 6days a week, I'm up at 8, out the door by 9, at work by 10:30 and I do a straight through shift with no break, and I leave the kitchen, 11 on an early day, 12midnight on an average day, 1 on bad days, so it's usually 2/3am by the time I'm back, 12-16hr days of work for me, and no, I don't enjoy it, I have panic attacks regularly before going to work and I some days despise the idea of going to work, but pride picks me up, I try and ignore my fears and get myself to work, however and this is where I'm at now, as of Friday this week, I didn't go to work, I felt sick at thought of going, I was too embarrassed to call in and say I'd had somewhat of break down(probably over reacting) and I've not been in since, or called or had contact, I imagine I'm no longer employed.. And that's terrifying, but I'm not diagnosed, as I've said previously, I cant call up and tell them I'm suffering with something I've just never wanted to let myself consider I have, or have any way to prove it and by now it's probably to late for that, I do want to go to doctors, however I'm afraid of what they might say and afraid of letting myself and my girlfriend down, I've been like this since I had meningitis as a child but I've fought it for years now, how do I turn around now and say something's wrong? I just feel like I'm using it as an excuse to do less, and I don't feel I have any right to do that, as I was brought up, "shut up and get working or get out" I'm unsure of how I combat the way my own head thinks, in my head, I'm not allowed to be sick, I just have to get on with it and if I fight and ignore it as much as I can, it'll go away.. I am becoming quite, hostile, stubborn and generally quite scared of going out, well, embarrassed more than scared, however it doesn't hold me back from going out or doing things, because I'd rather suffer than loose what precious little I have. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I've just been as honest as I can, I'm afraid of admitting I need help or have problems, and if anyone thinks I'm just being a drama queen, please do tell me, I'd rather hear that, but if you genuinely think I need some kind of help and to see a doctor, then I guess I have to swallow my pride and fears and just get on with it.

      Thank you, I really do appreciate the reply, whole heartedly.

      Kind regards, W.T

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    • Posted

      Hi William ~

      First, I'd like to tell you that you, like many, aren't any different with regards to wanting better than you had it as a child.  That seems like every parents feat.  Second, depression isn't something to be ashamed of.  It doesn't mean you're a weak person. In fact, it's the opposite.  It takes courage to admit you're suffering from depression.  When you're able to do that w/o  shame, you'll be on your way to healing.

      I would also like to tell you that if you want your job but feel bc you haven't called in, etc...try calling your employer and ask him for a one on one appt and explain to him what you're going through.  He/She may or may  not be acceptable.  With hopes, you're a good worker and one they need so more than likely they will understand and try and work wtih you.  But, you need to be honest and it could turn around in your favor.  A lot of people respect other's who are honest and admit they made a mistake and ask for help  and forgiveness.  

      It takes a strong person to admit they are depressed.  I wrote that again because I want you to believe that.  Taking a medication for this isn't something that makes you weak, it just means that for now, you need some additional help.  You don't have to take meds for the rest of your life.  You can take them until you're over the hump, but you will need to wean off them wth the doctor's help.

      I encourage you to keep talking about it and also talk with your g/f about it.  Let her know that you're unhappy with your work and perhaps you'd like to explore a different type of job.  I'll bet she encourages you and stands by your side.

      I wish you well and hope you realize that you are a very strong person.  You took note to your childhood and realize that your family, like many, is dysfunctional.  And it is like MANY!!  You'd be surprised.  Don't wait until you hit rock bottom to do something about your depression, you have a chance now to make things right!

      Good luck,

      Frustrated

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  • Posted

    Hi, 

    Why not take an online depression quiz and make a Dr. appt? It sounds like you have symptoms. Avoiding the doctor will not make them go away smile

    But if you are too scared to go to the doc, then do a little research, talk some more on here and then see how you feel smile the more you learn the less afraid you will be

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    • Posted

      Thank you Sara, and thank you everyone for the comments, I have coincidentally taken the test online, various sites including this one, the results are generally not the ones I was after, I guess, I do feel a little reassured, you've all been so friendly and kind to have taken the time, I know, I should go to see a doctor, as it turns out, today itself has been quite an emotional one, I appreciate everyone's comments, I really do. But, it's scary to hear people say I'm sick, I know myself you're right, but it is frghtening, I'll do a bit more thinking tonight, and see if I'm up to facing making an appointment tomorrow, your support has been more helpful than I could ever express, but I atleast have an idea of what I'm fighting now, and I guess asking for help is something I actually need to start doing, before I do hit rock bottom.

      Thanks again.

      Kind regards - W.T

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    • Posted

      My Girlfriends the only kind of real support I have, but she's stressed herself, my constant being down has started to upset her, I'm not too sure if I should ask, that said, she does so much for me as it, I wouldn't know how to ask for more from her. She's not hugely aware of the situation either, she has an idea and she's aware I have panic attacks and just generally bad days, I'm just not sure I should put this on her yet, not at least untill I see a doctor and find out for sure. It won't be easy plucking up the courage to go, but, I'll give it my best tomorrow.
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